The Forty Project

Happy New Year!

2008-12-31T09:23:00.001-08:00

I'm excited, are you?

I have a really good feeling about 2009. Really good.

I feel great today -- gorgeous, powerful, confident, content. It is a feeling that I am trying to savor and hold on to for the new year. And, trust me -- it has nothing to do with any number on a scale, or what size pants I am wearing. It's all me, baby, all from within. I don't know from where it came, but I hope it decides to stay a while.

Look for my new blog starting January 5th (that's a Monday, *groan*), over at

Ten Percent

Hope to see you there, and HAPPIEST OF NEW YEARS to you all!

xoxo Amy

Hey, y'all!

2008-12-29T08:59:00.000-08:00

Wow, I sure went MIA there, didn't I? Like many folks I let the holidays get the best of me in more ways than one. In the first place, I am sort of a grinch when it comes to the holiday season. I usually don't get into it until it has passed, really. By then there's nowhere to go with it! Ha ha. So, mentally and emotionally I'm not in the best place this time of year in general, with this year being that much harder with the loss of my stepdad.

Regardless I managed to have an OK time, and even have plans for both new year's eve AND new year's day -- that never happens! The downside of all this is that my eating has been, frankly, terrible. Whatever reprieve I had a few weeks ago from making bad choices went out the window since. But, I am fully preparing for a fresh start in the new year, all set to go once January 5th hits! I am excited to start exercising again, and gaining control of what goes in my mouth. I've sort of been having a free-for-all lately.

I do feel pretty yucky physically, to be honest. I feel that I have let myself go, and I don't like the sensation. I don't like that the clothes are fitting tighter, that walking an expansive parking lot makes me out of breath again. I know it won't take long to fix myself up again, and I am glad I have my plans to do it.

I still haven't picked out a new blog title yet, but believe me -- you will know it. I hope all of you will decide to come follow me to my new spot on the internets as I make my way to the next goal.

Thanks to all of you this past year who have been so supportive and kind. Here's to a wonderful, fresh new year with all kinds of prospects!

It's a Good Thing.

2008-12-15T09:36:00.000-08:00

Weight: 311.4
Total Weight loss: 38.6 pounds

I'm so happy with the results of the scale lately. My relationship with food also seems to be on the mend, too, after those couple free-for-all weeks I had. I haven't been tracking food, but being mindful of what I am eating. I'm seeking out more recipes to try, using good foods. It's not all, like, "lite" recipes and things, but recipes that include perhaps a lot of veggies and lots of care. I don't know. Trying to avoid JUNK, mostly. So, cereal for breakfast, still lots of citrus, a leftovers lunch (today, tomorrow, and maybe the next day: porcini mushroom and gorgonzola risotto), a meat/potatoes/veggies dinner. The evening snacking issue has seemed to be a less critical concern lately, too, just naturally.

Maybe sometimes when you let go, things even out if you are still determined to treat your body well. Maybe if all you are concerned about is dropping pounds it will never become natural, or good.

I don't know how long it will take me to figure this stuff out once and for all. Maybe a lifetime? But I am going to stick with it, even if it is in a more passive way.

Another Friday

2008-12-12T09:36:00.000-08:00

Fear not, dear readers -- I will certainly let you know when and to where I will be taking my blogging come the new year. I will put the info in the final post here, as well as in the sidebar so you won't be able to miss it!

I am really looking forward to 2009. I have so many plans up my sleeve, and ideas about who and what I want to be. In the meantime, I am going to enjoy the rest of 2008 as much as possible, and treat myself as best as I can. It's all about love.

I had a special surprise when I got home from work last night -- dinner just about ready in the oven and a clean boyfriend all freshly showered! Ah, sometimes it is the little things that can really make your day. We had a lovely dinner of little baked chuck steaks and baked potatoes with steamed broccoli and a dash of cheese sauce. Good stuff!

There's a fun, busy, productive weekend ahead. I am thankful for so many things.

Going down, down, down, down

2008-12-11T11:10:00.000-08:00

I was pleased to see that I am back down to 312-and-something today. Must be all the citrus I am eating lately -- I bought a box of oranges and grapefruit for a fundraiser from a co-worker last week!

I'm lucky to have so many smart readers here -- you all have such great ideas! My plan is to get back to the 310 area (or below, of course) and call The 40 Project about losing 40 pounds in a year. Then, on January 1st, I will start a new blog and new everything else -- FitDay or Sparkpeople, Physics Diet, maybe even a new scale. Yes, definitely a new scale. Now I just need to come up with a catchy title for the new blog, but I have some time. :)

Thanks to you all who are so awesome reading and commenting. I know I say it all the time, but it is true -- sometimes YOU are literally what keeps me going on any given day. It's YOU who makes it so I don't just give up altogether. You help me believe in me, and for that I am forever indebted.

xoxo

Fresh starts?

2008-12-09T05:17:00.001-08:00

I can't even bring myself to report to you my weigh-ins lately. It's gotten pretty bad, to tell the truth. After an especially indulgent weekend (for no good reason, really), I really saw it on the scale. OK, basically I gained 6 pounds over the weekend, if you can believe it.

I'm down a pound today, which is good, but I am still just not feeling "into it" lately. I've got all kinds of crap floating around in my head that just complicates things (unrelated to food or anything), haven't been in the best mindspace overall.

I am still determined not to go back to where I started, though. Just so you know. I really am going to contain this. To be honest, I am looking forward to the new year and fresh beginnings. 2008 held many great accomplishments and good times for me, but I also experienced much loss and sadness. This morning, in fact, I found out that my cat Rose, who's been living with my mom for the past thirteen years, had to be put to sleep last night. She's been sick and had bladder cancer, so it's not a huge surprise, but it still hurts. And knowing that my mom is dealing with even more loss is especially upsetting. I know she is looking forward to saying goodbye to 2008.

I've been considering starting a new blog to replace this one in the new year, and to not renew my Daily Plate gold membership. I'm going to return to Fitday or sign up at Sparkpeople instead. Speaking of which, they had a link to a good, timely article in their e-newsletter today, which you can read here. It reminded me that no matter how things have ended this year, I have still lost at least 10% of my starting weight -- nothing to sneeze at, for sure. It's important to recognize any amount of success any of us have at this game, and this article was a great reminder of that.

In the meantime, I'm going to do the best I can to not gain more weight in the next few weeks, and maybe even get back down to good old 305 by the beginning of January, and go from there.

Thanks for hanging in there with me.

Still lucky, I guess...

2008-12-05T06:36:00.001-08:00

Weight: 310
Total Weight loss: 40 pounds

No one is as surprised as I am about this week. I will cherish it always.

I think I can sense the almost-nothing-but-junk-food lifestyle getting old, actually. I've been more tired than usual, and I don't know... it's not THAT much fun eating crap all the time. Like anything else, you get sick of it eventually, don't you?

(Written as I just finished a second breakfast from Dunkin' Donuts -- when I wasn't even really hungry since I ate a nice bowl of cereal earlier! As Red Forman would say, "Dumbass!" It was one of those stupid impulse buys that I regretted pretty much the moment I left the store.)

It's early in the day, though, so I have plenty of time to make up for that somewhat.

Things are good, things are fine. I have plenty to look forward to.

Huh!

2008-12-04T07:49:00.000-08:00

Weight: 310.4
Total Weight loss: 39.6 pounds

Man, if I was smart I would really make an effort today and get below 310 again.

It is really quite amazing that I am maintaining at 310 these past few days. But, maybe it makes some sense, because even though I am not eating "clean", I'm maybe still holding onto a few good habits. One, I still drink a lot of water. Two, I eat breakfast (though this week it's been a big bowl of Chex cereal and 2% milk rather than my usual yogurt and an apple). Three, I don't usually overeat while I am at work (one good thing about the 9 to 5 grind -- it's a good framework sometimes), so my daytime eating is mostly pretty OK.

So, at night I have dinner and have also been indulging in a big bowl of ice cream (back to a bad habit, just for a little while), but nothing else. It's not doing any damage, yet, but let's see how long that lasts. Maybe I will forgo the ice cream tonight, I don't know.

I just haven't decided in what direction the day will go. And that's OK. There's life to be lived!

xoxo most sincerely.

Back, begrudgingly?

2008-12-03T12:51:00.000-08:00

Weight: 310.6
Total Weight loss: 39.4 pounds

Yesterday I weighed in at 310.2, so today was essentially a maintain. Either way, better than the 312 I started at on Monday.

Admittedly, I really haven't been trying very hard. Well, not really trying at all, to be honest. I don't know. It feels like the embers are burning low, but it could just be a temporary funk, too. I'm not writing myself off completely or anything... how did my 305 turn into 310, though? Now I'm happy to stay at or below 310?

For now, today at least, yes. Lately I have been feeling like eating whatever the heck I want, and I have been. I also have not been exercising. My month-long gym membership is quickly going to waste, and I am not sure I care. Though I have been craving a walk around the neighborhood, admittedly -- maybe even a jog. But the mornings are just not happening like they used to, since winter hit. It's nearly impossible for me to get out of bed when the alarm goes off, even if I have gotten a good eight hours (or more!) in.

I'm not expecting anyone to say anything yea or nay, I just wanted check in and it's turned into a little pity party. Well. Not really, I'm not doing any self-pitying. Just laying out the facts as they are now.

The funny thing is, I feel really good about myself lately, too. I might be fat, but I am not some schlub. On the contrary. I'm not sure where this is coming from.

I do know that I never want to be as heavy as I was, ever again. That was just plain uncomfortable. So I need to figure out striking a balance in this thing.

Stuff to think on.

Briefly...

2008-12-01T07:36:00.000-08:00

Weight: 312
Total Weight loss: 38 pounds

OK, so... I'm not totally upset. On Thanksgiving morning, I weighed 308.4, so a total holiday weekend gain of less than 4 pounds is... doable, at least for me.

I mean, of course I am not thrilled, but considering all the indulging I did post-Thanksgiving, I'm surprised it's not worse. And I know what I need to do to fix it, so I am not too worried.

I haven't been to the gym in a week. I shall remedy that tomorrow, as I don't want it to be a waste of money on top of everything else. I would like to get in at least 4 days this week. My goal for the week will be to get comfortably under 310, as you have suggested. I can't believe now that in just over a month I will have my year anniversary for my weight loss efforts! It would be really nice to make that anniversary number a nice, round 50 pounds, wouldn't it? Then I can start working on the next 50, once and for all. 50 pounds a year is not so shabby, not at all.

Thanksgiving was really nice. The meal was wonderful (if I say so myself, since I cooked it!), the company equally so. It took me almost as long to recover from the holiday as it did to get ready for it -- boy, was I ever exhausted after the meal and the days after! I am kind of glad to be back in the old work routine for now.

Hope all is well with you. I am thankful for each and every one of you who reads and/or comments.

Urgh

2008-11-24T09:48:00.000-08:00

We won't discuss weight today.

I mean, I know that is kind of the point of this blog in the first place, but... you know.

Well, first off, I didn't weigh myself this morning. Didn't go to the gym, either.

I was sick all weekend, after all. Plus, I didn't sleep especially well last night. I couldn't get warm no matter what I did.

You see where this is going?

*sigh*

I was back down to 306.2 at some point the past few days, and then back up to 309 yesterday. I know, I said I wasn't going to talk pounds. But that's where I stand.

I'm off from work until next Monday, which is great. I have lots of T-day prep to do, but I am also going to go to the gym at the very least tomorrow and the next day, first thing in the morning. I won't waste my month's due of $45, no sir. I also don't want to totally go off the deep end. Exercising will keep me in safe harbor.

This blog is getting to be like one of those annoying TV shows that started off really interesting and exciting for the first season, and then keeps drawing storylines out and repeating itself so much that you just don't care anymore. I apologize for that. The thing is, I just won't give up.

And there's no network who is going to cancel me.

Well, I will keep checking in over the holiday. Tell me how you are doing, why don't you?

Oh, and, if you are into art, craft, and design stuff, I have a new blog. Have a look!

Gobble.

Gym love

2008-11-20T06:42:00.000-08:00

Weight: 308
Total Weight loss: 42 pounds

Looks like the weight is holding steady... I must have had a gain yesterday, is all I can think. But no matter. I am happy that it is below 310, and I feel great from my workouts at the gym. This morning's session was great. I had another 15 minutes on the bike (at a lower level so that I wasn't dying the whole time, but enough that I still sweat like crazy) and about 38 minutes on the treadmill. I even tried out some higher speeds this time, maintaining 3.7 mph for a couple minutes, doing 3.2 a few times. The rest of the time was an easy-going 2.5-2.8 mph, but still a very good workout, trust me -- I just kept trying to push myself a little more, go a little faster for longer, go a few more minutes, etc. And I pretty much had the whole place to myself most of the time, except for when my new pal Debbie was there getting her time on the treadmill before work.

My eating has been, I'd say, a 7 out of 10. I've been tracking for the most part, having good breakfasts and lunches, and doing my best for dinner and beyond. Last night I made some sauteed bay scallops (a nice break from our usual chicken) along with our old standby, roasted asparagus, as well as something new -- roasted acorn squash with thyme. Very scrumptious and satisfying!

I'm actually trying to fight off whatever's going around the past couple days... I've had a twinge of sore throat that came into full bloom last night, and some post-nasal drip. But, I simply cannot get sick with Thanksgiving just around the corner! I broke out the Zicam for my congestion last night, which also helped with the throat, and figure that all that sweating I've been doing should help, along with the copious amounts of green tea I am trying to drink. Plus a multivitamin. I just have to keep this at bay. Thanksgiving is my very favorite holiday... so keep your fingers crossed for me that I can get rid of it and ALSO that C. doesn't get it, either. We had a sick Thanksgiving one year and it was just awful.

Here's to good health and a nicely roasted turkey!

I'm a Gym Rat

2008-11-19T06:02:00.000-08:00

Well, it's official: I'm a gym rat!

Ha ha, OK, maybe not. But I did do as I promised myself and went to the gym after work yesterday to sign up for a month and see how it goes. This morning before work I went and had my first gym session in, like, forever. And it was awesome! I loved it.

Like I said yesterday, this gym is totally no-frills and is probably geared more toward weight-lifting guys, but it has nice, basic cardio equipment: treadmills, steppers, and recumbent bikes. Plus, it was pretty empty when I was there this morning. And it's open 24 hours! The locker room is fine and has private shower stalls, yay.

Anyway, I worked out for just short of an hour this morning and I think it is safe to say that I got a much more thorough workout than when I go on my little walks. I started out with a 15-minute session on the bike to warm up -- heh, little did I know how much it would kick my ass! -- and finished off with about 35 minutes on the treadmill. Such a different experience from walking outside! I feel like it is much harder to control my form, but that may be just because I'm not used to having to keep my balance and stay on the machine -- I tend toward the clumsy, after all, it would be no surprise if I ever fell off one of those things! I took it fairly easy, staying the 2.8-3.2 mph range, with warm-up and cool-down at 2.5. I "ran" a good portion of that, as the woman next to was walking at 4.0! Ah well. I'll get faster with time.

I'm just so pleased about this. C. suggested that I just go ahead a buy my own treadmill and save some money, but I think I honestly like the whole thing of going to the gym, being able to use different machines. Not to mention that the gym has a better atmosphere than our dark little basement! When I signed up last night, the guy told me that they have a deal on an annual membership at the beginning of the year -- like half off -- so I may decide to invest in that, it would be about $20 a month. We'll see.

I ended up not weighing this morning, mainly because I was running a tad late and was hoping they would have a scale at the gym, but no dice. From now on I will be better prepared in the mornings and be sure to weigh before I leave, since I head to work directly after the gym.

I feel great! YES!

Hanging in There!

2008-11-18T06:30:00.001-08:00

Weight: 308.4
Total Weight loss: 41.6 pounds

Truth be told, even though I showed a little gain this morning, I am relieved. Once I got home after yesterday's chocolate debacle, I just sort of gave up on the day. Not totally, but mostly. We had chicken salad sandwiches and potato chips for dinner, which would have been OK in itself (though not great, I know), but I continued to snack on the chips, made a bowl of popcorn, and ate some more chocolate. All that considered, I am more than happy with a half pound gain for the day. I didn't even exercise this morning!

I'm giving myself a pass because of my period. Lame, maybe, but I am. It's just really knocked me down yesterday, and I am still feeling crappy today. On top of that, it's finally really started getting cold, and we had the first snow of the season that has stuck. Even after over 8 hours of sleep, I just couldn't force myself out of bed and out for a walk. Just no way.

I made up for it, I think, by stopping by the little no-frills gym that's right on my way to work to see how much it costs and what the facilities are like. Nothing fancy, just your basic cardio and weight equipment, but NO contract and NO crowds. This way I could still get my cardio in, even do add some weight work to my routine, and not have to freeze or worry about slipping in the ice and snow. I was thinking I could just use the gym during the unbearable winter months (late November through mid March or so) and keep doing my outside routine, which I love, the rest of the year. I'll just have to rethink my morning routine, get up a little earlier maybe. I decided, I am going to start tomorrow! Exciting!

Today I have a nice salad fixed up for lunch, plus a Lean Cuisine meal. I'm not sure what the plan is for dinner, but I will have plenty of wiggle room calorie-wise. I want to get back in full gear again!

Oh, well!

2008-11-17T10:27:00.000-08:00

Weight: 307.8
Total Weight loss: 42.2 pounds

So, a little bit of a rebound there. Yesterday I was at 306. It doesn't surprise me in the least, really -- it's now officially that time of the month, and I've got the bloat to prove it. Also, today was a rest day as far as exercise goes. I'm still mighty pleased to be well under where I stood one short week ago, though -- make no mistake about that! I only wish that I had remembered to take some Advil this morning, because let me tell you, chocolate makes a poor substitute for pain reliever!

I received a box of Russell Stover chocolates this morning at work from one of our authors, and made the mistake of opening the box after my nice, healthy lunch of black beans and fresh veggies. To say that I overindulged would be an understatement -- I literally ate half the box (ten pieces) before I snapped out of my cocoa stupor. That's 750 calories right there. Yikes! Note to self: always read the nutrition information label before you embark on a little binge. Ack. Well, I have gone ahead and tracked it with everything else, and try to do the best I can this evening with dinner.

It was kind of a rough weekend. Saturday I had plans to get a lot of stuff done but ended up getting into spats with C. most of the afternoon, mostly due to my admitted bitchiness. I just couldn't let go of anything, you know? Sunday I went to my mom's to accompany her to an old family friend's wake. My mom was good friends with her for over 20 years and had worked with her for about 10, and she had been our realtor when we bought the house last summer. So, especially after losing my stepdad so recently, this is a big blow to my mom. I am worried about her, but she seems to be holding up OK considering... you can imagine that Sunday was an emotional day, and I don't know. I'm hoping this week will be much better. I have a lot to do in the coming weeks between getting ready for my exhibition in February, and the holidays (I'm the Thanksgiving chef in our family).

I have high expectations this week. I'm looking forward to exercising again (REALLY hope the outside of my calves quit bothering me so much), and doing well with my eating and getting well into my "safe" zone. I'm just going to continue to do what I have been doing the past week, and hope for the best.

A GREAT Week!

2008-11-15T08:04:00.000-08:00

Weight: 305.2
Total Weight loss: 44.8 pounds

All I can say is, holy cow. I stuck with it this week and lost 8 pounds since Monday! Talk about unusual and, well, fantastic!

I just want to say again that I didn't do anything unhealthy to achieve this. First, the weight I lost this week was also weight that had come on fairly quickly, too. Maybe I am totally off-base on this, but I really think "new" fat is easier to lose than "old" fat. Second, as I have said earlier this week, I simply ate within my limits -- which didn't mean that I had to deprive myself of much of anything, except gluttony. I still had satisfying meals and ate yummy food. I even had a few little chocolate every day. I just made sure to stay within or darn close to my daily caloric bounds. Third, I exercised for 30-60 minutes every day (except Monday) -- five days total. I went for my walk each morning and just focused on distance, not speed. I read somewhere recently that it's not how fast you go, it's how far you go. So that has been my goal. And I really stuck with it, feeling that it was absolutely key to my success this week (and hopefully next, and next...). Fourth, drank lots of water every single day, and finally: I reported to you here in this blog almost every day.

I am almost into my "safety" zone again, which is anything under 305 pounds (though preferably 303), and I am thrilled about that after feeling so despondent earlier in the week. I was so afraid that this was it, I was headed back into dangerous territory, never to be seen again. I just couldn't let that happen, not this time. Now, if anything, I have bought myself some cushion, but ultimately, I hope that this exercise in determination has brought me to the next leg of this journey, where I enter the 200s and stay there for a long while!

Momentum. I mentioned that word a few days ago, something I so desperately wanted to keep going. I had a great week, but there is no rest for the weary, is there? If I want to continue this success, I am going to have to keep doing what I have been doing. Sure, I won't lose eight pounds every week (and wouldn't want to), but I can keep myself headed in the right direction, bit by bit, until I reach my goal.

Supah!

2008-11-14T10:28:00.000-08:00

Weight: 306.4
Total Weight loss: 43.6 pounds

Well. It's been a very, very good week for one that started off so pitiful. I was really able to get back on track in so many ways:

• Good eating habits!
• Good exercise habits!
• Making more art with my show in mind and adding some of it to my Etsy shop, Choci Art.

I'm almost back down to where I was a month ago, thank goodness. I feel confident that I can continue the momentum into next week and maybe even approach the 200s mark -- and stay there! I SO want out of the 300s already.

Though I will say one thing. I actually feel pretty good about myself and comfortable with my body, so that (god forbid) I should never lose or gain any more weight, I'd be kind of OK with that. Of course, I very much want to lose more weight for a variety of reasons, but just sayin'. It's nice to feel good in one's skin. I am proud of that, and when you see me walking around, I bet you can tell. No slouching and slinking around for this gal -- except when I am at my desk, then I am BAD about slouching.

Anyway. I am taking great pride in what I have been able to do this week. Yesterday, my walk was just about 2.75 miles long, and today's? 3.33 miles! I'd have kept going if I wasn't going to be very late for work. The walks have been vastly improving in the past few days, once I figured out that my body doesn't really warm up until after the first 20 minutes to half an hour. It's a bummer time-wise, but I don't mind too much. I'm out there doing it. And it feels AWESOME!

Momentum

2008-11-12T07:11:00.001-08:00

Weight: 308.8
Total Weight loss: 41.2 pounds

Momentum: I want it to take over.

So far, so good this week, huh? I am continuing back down into more acceptable territory again, which is a relief. But I mustn't rest on my laurels here; this is a crucial moment. I've got to keep it up the rest of the week however I can.

But it still really hasn't been hard. The hardest thing is really just watching it when I get home in the evening. Don't overdo dinner, don't snack. I had gotten used to a bowl of popcorn every night, which really isn't bad in the big scheme of things, but when you add it all up... it's just too much and I am never eating it because I am hungry anyway. I'm trying to get in the mindset "If I am not hungry, I don't need it" along with my spending habits. Like, I wanted to get a new winter coat this season, but the reality is that the coats I have are just fine, and I should keep wearing them until a) they are comically too big or b) they are just too ratty. Same thing with shoes, and whatever else. "Do I really need it? No? Then I am not buying it." Tell that to the issue of Martha Stewart Living that somehow jumped into my grocery cart yesterday. ;)

I dropped more than 3 pounds in the past couple days not from anything other than eating within my limits, drinking lots of water, and keeping up with my exercise. This is what works, without fail, if I remain focused. It works!

I had a great walk for a change this morning. I never plan my routes or anything and I general do 30-35 minutes. Recently, my legs had been bothering me a lot even at the beginning of each workout. Today I decided to start off very easy and not push myself at all for the first five minutes (probably a good idea anyway). It seemed to work, because I suffered only the very slightest twinge of pain once or twice for the whole nearly 50 minute walk. I was on a roll, and just wanted to keep going. It felt good. I was even able to throw some running in there toward the end, about .75 miles' worth. My legs were fine, and so was my cardio -- I clearly haven't lost much, if any of the fitness I developed in recent months. Thankfully.

I'm really into it again! This is the second week that I've exercised consistently -- 4-5x a week, at least 30 minutes each day. It really is my saving grace, no matter what else I do in other areas for my health.

I'm back to my basic, brown bag breakfast: yogurt and an apple. I made some great soup over the weekend -- Pumpkin Black Bean -- that has been serving as my lunch, along with a chunk of homemade cheese bread and a hearty salad. Dinners have been reasonable, and I have been snacking much less. It's starting to feel natural again, and not an imposition. That's really the key, isn't it?

***

In other news, I am excited to have 3 sales in my Etsy shop this week! They're small sales, just a few zines, but I am still pretty thrilled. I'm adding more almost every day, so be sure to go have a look!

Ah, it's a good week indeed.

Quick update

2008-11-11T13:09:00.000-08:00

Weight: 312 pounds
Total Weight loss: 38 pounds

Well, I am back down a teeny bit, and I will take that. Hopefully I can keep it going. I think now that however many times I need to write down a re-commitment, then I will: every day, if I have to. But I am not giving up.

I had a good food day yesterday, and today looks like it will be, too. I walked just over 1.75 miles this morning and that went well. I don't know.

I know there was some concern about my goal to get back down into my comfort zone again by Thanksgiving, but it is really not necessary. I know my body, and I know that it can gain weight really quickly, and if I take care of it right away, it comes off quickly, too. I've spent the last 10 months doing this and a lifetime of trying to right myself with my body. Honestly, just getting below 310 again will be a relief, but I KNOW I can get back down again with not a whole lot of effort -- yesterday wasn't painful at all; I simply ate within my limits, and didn't snack in the evening. It wasn't hard, I didn't feel like I was sacrificing anything. I'm doing it to GET somewhere, so it's OK.

This gain has happened in just the past two weeks. It hasn't settled yet. I'm going to get it.

Thanks, as always, all of you.

I think tomorrow will be a good day.

SOS

2008-11-10T05:38:00.000-08:00

Weight: 313.2
Total Weight loss: 36.8 pounds

Oh, yikes.

I don't know what's up with me lately. I keep making these big declarations about how I need to get back on track, how I really want to lose more weight, how scared I am to be backsliding so much in the past month, yet it's not getting any better.

This really, really sucks. I want to say that I don't know what to do, even though I clearly do since I have done it before! I can blame it on PMS, or being depressed about my stepfather's death, but the reality is that I have been letting my compulsive overeating impulses take over again, full stop.

Look, I really don't want to have a repeat performance of so many times before. Especially the last time I lost weight. It's starting to become a mirror image of that, and I don't want that to happen! I want to be successful at this. I want to do good for myself.

The one saving grace in all this is that I have continued with my regular exercising, even though that has been a bit rough, too. On Saturday I went out for a very slow walk, slow only because my shins were really bothering me again. So frustrating to want to do one thing and have your body allow another. Yesterday we raked leaves for about a half hour, and I am feeling it this morning -- lots of muscles who have been neglected for too long! I took a break this morning from walking with the hopes that tomorrow's workout will be back to normal. I desperately need it to be. Another good habit I've been keeping up (at least on weekdays) is water intake -- I've been averaging 100 oz. a day, and I will continue that.

This morning I packed my lunch, some of the pumpkin black bean soup I made over the weekend, and a nice salad. I'm having tea and yogurt for breakfast. I'm going to track again this week and be brutally honest with myself.

So now my goal is simple: to get back down in my "safe" zone (between 300-305) by Thanksgiving, and stay there -- even after the holiday! That gives me 2-1/2 weeks to lose almost ten pounds, which I know sounds drastic, but given that the weight came on so quickly, I have a feeling it will come off quickly as well, assuming that I stick to plan diligently. That's what's been missing from my campaign: Diligence.

Thanks again for the continued, wonderful, supportive comments. Please, in the next couple weeks especially -- keep 'em coming! It helps so much to keep my head on straight and is a major reason why I am not crying about this. It's because you help me to continue to believe that I can do this, no matter how many setbacks I have.

Hard Times

2008-11-07T07:55:00.000-08:00

Weight: 310.4
Total Weight loss: 39.6 pounds

Grrrr. I knew this would happen, so it's no surprise once again. Yesterday's eating was just totally in the toilet... BUT I figured out that yes indeed, the PMS monster is in effect which explains part of my problem as far as wanting to eat the whole universe.

I just feel like a big YUCK! Blech. Last night I had some wicked heartburn for the first time in a long time (that's my body trying to tell me something!), and just felt tired and mopey. I went to bed very early and still had a hard time getting out of bed this morning. I debated since last night whether to walk/run/whatever (I should just call my morning exercise WRW from now on) this morning, up until the very last minute. And then I was like, "You know, one of your goals this week was to exercise every day. Since everything else has been so bad, you may as well make good on this one thing, right?" Right, so I did. Once again, my legs felt heavy. It was all kinds of stuff: my left ankle kind of bothered me, my right knee was twinging, I REALLY had to go to the bathroom -- the bad kind (uh-oh!). One thing I did have going for me was my cardiovascular. Overall, I still have that -- I am never totally gasping for breath or feel like I am going to die. Just my legs give me trouble if anything these days.

I know it is probably because of all the extra weight I carry, which makes it so much extra crucial that I start losing weight again. Because I (don't laugh) truly enjoy my morning exercise and wish I could get more done in a shorter amount of time -- it's so frustrating. Well, today it was just over two miles in just under 45 minutes -- SO slow! I'm not sure what happened there, but I am just going to keep getting out there each day; things are bound to improve again.

Of course, this week's poor performance could have everything to do with PMS, too. Really. It's happened before, where exercise has been nearly impossible during that time due to fatigue, so maybe this is actually an improvement. I guess time will tell.

Anyway... I know I sound like a broken record, and it probably doesn't seem like I am very sincere based on my results, but: I am NOT giving up, dammit!

Just not.

Obama: Epic Victory. Me: Epic Fail.

2008-11-06T11:02:00.000-08:00

Weight: 308.8
Total Weight loss: 41.2 pounds

*sigh* I am SO happy about the election results. I cried with joy when I realized that Obama won enough electoral votes, and cried again when I saw his speech. What a night that was! Sadly, on the other hand, I used it as an excuse to overindulge. I don't know why, really. So, yesterday, the scale was cruel, showing at just over 310 pounds, grr! I'm back down today, as you can see, so that is good, but still. Grr.

I stayed up late on election night so I wasn't able to drag myself out of bed early enough to get a run in yesterday morning, but today I was back out with bells on. Kind of. I made the mistake of starting off running, mainly because my across the street neighbor was out walking his dog and I talked to him for a moment, but didn't want him to feel obligated to continue the conversation for long, so I excused myself and off I went prancing long enough to get out of view. It did me in, not only running without a warmup but also going faster than I normally do and heading up an incline. Ouch. So the first 20 minutes of my walk/run/whatever was sad and bleak. My shins were hurting, and I wasn't sure I'd make it to 20 minutes, much less beyond that. Fortunately, just about at that point things started loosening up and feeling normal, so I was able to run the last half mile comfortably, and get in a total of 35 minutes of exercise. Phew! It did feel good in the end, so I am glad I stuck with it.

My eating has been, quite simply, atrocious today. Maybe it is getting toward PMS time because I just feel like I want to eat everything in sight, and kind of have been, making poor choices to boot. We'll probably have a non-dangerous stir-fry for dinner, so that'll be OK, but man! What a crappy day otherwise.

Well, those are going to happen, aren't they? Truth be told, I am just pleased to not be over 310. I really don't want to go there, no sir.

***

So, it seems like quite a few of you are new readers and/or coming out of the woodwork to offer me encouraging words, which is fantastic. I'm glad that you're enjoying this blog, and hope that you will continue to stick with me through thick and thin!

***

One last piece of news is that my little Etsy shop is pretty well stocked for now, so go check it out, and spread the word to those who enjoy fine art and/or zines. I think I have some interesting and cool stuff to offer, if I say so myself.

Here's to another good day, maybe tomorrow? Definitely.

HYC Check-In: Victory Run for Obama

2008-11-04T05:58:00.000-08:00

Weight: 307.4
Total Weight loss: 42.6 pounds

I am not normally one to wear my political stripes on my sleeve (well, people'd probably guess that I am very liberal, anyway), but I just want to say: Go Obama! What an important election this is. I will say, too: Go vote! I don't care who you vote for, just go and cast your ballot. It's your right and obligation as a citizen of our country -- and the more people vote, the truer a democracy our country is.

VOTE VOTE VOTE!

My polling place is just a five-minute walk away at the local elementary school, so I walked there at around 6:30am, waited ten minutes to cast my vote, and continued on. I did a walk/run, probably a good, even split. I tried to run as much as possible, telling myself that it was my Victory Run for Barack Obama. It worked -- really kept me motivated to keep going. I don't have my stats for today's workout since I ended up chatting with a lady way up on the "dinner" side of my street, but I know I got at least a half hour of exercise in total this morning. I sweated a lot, it felt good. And it was actually quite warm out, in the 50s -- I ended up taking my hoodie off and wrapping around my waist.

I'm happy to see the scale reading heading south again, but it is starting to feel like I am never going to see below 305 again. So frustrating! I know I can make it happen, but I am getting impatient. I had hoped to be back in that neighborhood by the end of last week! And to think that months ago I though I'd have a chance to make it down to 250 by Thanksgiving! Little did I know. Oh well, it's not a race and I am still pleased that I managed to lose 50 pounds during the year. Who knows, maybe by January (my one year anniversary) I will have lost even more, we'll see.

I'll just say it one last time, in closing: VOTE!!! :)

Shameless Self-Promotion

2008-11-03T11:58:00.000-08:00

Since this blog was originally about fat and money, it's not entirely off-base that I added a little button on my sidebar that will whisk you away to my Etsy shop. I'm still working on getting my finances in order, and one way to help things along is to get going on selling some of my artwork like I always mean to do!

So, in shameless self-promotion, I urge you to take a gander at my shop, which will include original fine art, zines, handmade books, and who knows what else down the line. I'll have items at every price point, and will be adding new items regularly, so check back often!

(Also, making stuff sure does take my mind off of snacking! Support your local blogger-eater-artist!)

Brand New Day

2008-11-03T06:54:00.000-08:00

Weight: 308.4
Total Weight loss: 41.6 pounds

I had a great weekend overall, just in general as well as food-wise. Yesterday I weighed in at 306.8, so I was disappointed with this morning's weigh-in. However, it is still pretty close to where I left off on Friday, so I guess I should be happy that I made it through the weekend without totally ruining my last week's efforts. And besides, who knows how good it might be tomorrow, right? No fretting over daily weighs on this blog. That's not the point of a daily weigh, anyhow.

I am happy to say that I got 35 minutes of walking in this morning, in the rain, no less. Go me! I grabbed my umbrella and just did it. My pace has slowed considerably in the past week for some reason, but I am hoping to speed it up just a week bit... I am not focused so much on that as much as just getting out to do something, but it is nice to have determinate goals. No more walking in the dark, though this morning was darker than it might have been, with gloom and drizzle. Still, the rest of the week is supposed to be temperate, and I will enjoy it while I can! I do plan to continue my outings throughout the winter, so I am preparing myself for cold and snow. At least I have some experience with that, having started back in March.

Hey, I am wearing an XL shirt from Target today! It is from the group of clothes I bought on clearance a few months ago; this cute shirt cost just $9.00. I cheated a little, I admit... I did have to sort of the yank the arm holes open more because of my extra large armsies, otherwise the shirt fits perfectly! I love it, such a cute, modern pattern, and the detail at the neckline is lovely... see?

All things considered, I feel strong and healthy today, and look forward to a really great week on plan. This week's goals include:

• Blogging every day (I think this has really, really helped)
• Walking or running every day
• Tracking food every day
• Eating a few servings of fruits and vegetables every day
• Limiting the amount of processed foods I eat
• Doing the best I can to deal with evening snacking
• Stay within daily caloric limits whenever possible!

Totally doable, what do you think?

Doing OK

2008-10-31T06:14:00.000-07:00

Weight: 308
Total Weight loss: 42 pounds

Well, it's a step in the right direction, but I am still a little, like, ugh.

I had a good day overall yesterday, though I did go over allotment by about 150 calories, nothing to be upset over. Dinner consisted of pan-fried tilapia, roasted brussels sprouts with sweet potatoes, and a nice salad. I gave C. some candy for Halloween, but only had a handful of Whoppers -- that's where the excess cals came from. I got home a little later than usual and so we ate a little later, which meant that it was easy to not worry about snacking.

It's funny, we've got candy galore, but I'm not worried about it at all.

I did some more thinking about the bulk eating issue. It's also tied to the secret eating I still sometimes do. When I'm eating in secret or just on my own, maybe part of it is the potential for getting caught, or knowing that I only have a certain amount of time? So during that time I would try to eat as much as I can. It's such a weird thing and probably very difficult to understand unless you've experienced it. I'm trying to figure out what my triggers are, because many times I can eat like a "normal" person and feel really good about it -- in fact, it had become normal for me there for a while, and I didn't really have to think about it much, if at all. I guess if I knew what enabled me to enter that mental state, my problems would be over. Maybe someday it will become clear.

In the meantime, I just have to keep on keeping on, learning from mistakes, accepting my flaws, celebrating my successes, and most important: loving myself in the NOW and not just waiting until I am thinner and more "worthy". That's a mistake I think a lot of people make -- they can't love themselves as they are. It's taken me years to feel that way, but I can say now that I honestly do love myself no matter what.

What good have I done in the past few days?

• Been more mindful of my food choices
• Drank 80 oz. of water each day
• Exercised consistently
• Got back to more whole foods in my diet
• Learned something from each misstep
• Started blogging regularly again!

It may not show on the scale, but overall I'd say I've had a good week. I'm proud of what I have been able to do.

Rats.

2008-10-30T10:19:00.000-07:00

Weight: 309.4
Total Weight loss: 40.6 pounds

Ah well. Last night was a bust. A total bust. I was all ready to have some leftover chili for dinner when I let myself be talked into Pizza Hut instead. I'm not placing the blame on anyone but myself, but I did tell C. this morning amid tears that I really need him NOT to do that to me again, that is ask if I want to get take-out when he knows I am trying to eat right.

Because, like, even getting Pizza Hut could have worked just fine into plan, that's the irony! I had plenty of calories left to work with and I would have been able to eat half the large pizza I got (eh, coupon special, I know). But no. Yes, you're reading this right: I ate a whole large pizza last night by myself. Full disclosure and honesty is what you get in this blog. And there it is. Even after my cheer session, I still found it in myself to blow it with a large Veggie Lover's Pan Pizza.

I'm feeling better now after having a little break down this morning, crying and saying how sick I am of being fat and how ridiculous it was, what I did last night. Look, no beating myself up, I'm back on track today and have made it very clear at home that I am eating healthfully for at least the next few days. Considering what I ate, the gain could have been much worse, and I really could have just totally given up everything and continued on my path to ruin.

But things are fine. This is never a perfect process, and I will never be perfect, and that's OK as long as I always pick myself up and keep trying.

Seriously, though? I'm not sure how I actually fit a whole large pizza in my tummy. I was actually more than satisfied after half the pizza (which would have kept me within my day's allotment, believe it or not), but just kept eating. I was feeling anxious, I guess; I didn't want to have leftovers; I don't know. I guess it never crossed my mind that I could have frozen the leftovers or even just thrown them out! Food and eating anxiety is an odd thing.

Not to mention, in another fit of honesty, that look: I like to eat in bulk. It sounds disgusting, it IS disgusting, but if all things were equal, I would eat and eat and eat. Even though it makes me feel crappy afterward and in general when done on a regular basis. I don't know what void I am looking to fill -- that is something I could hash out with a therapist, I guess -- but I like me some nom nom nom.

It's impossible to expect that someone can effectively deal with and solve this kind of problem in a matter of months, I suppose, especially when said person has had this problem for most of her life. I should really invest in figuring out what the underlying problem is, don't you think?

***

Today I had a fine eating day and have plans for a good evening. This morning I got out and walked for just over 30 minutes despite freezing temps and a pair of legs that felt like lead, along with the same shin and instep pain I had yesterday. I ended up going at a pace almost as slow as when I started the C25K program back in March, that's how bad it was. Safe to say that tomorrow will likely be a rest day, and I will try again on Saturday.

The important thing about all this stuff is that I am not giving up. In fact, right now at this moment I barely feel discouraged. I know that even when I make mistakes, I am doing other positive things at the same time. I know that with lots of practice, I am going to finally GET it.

Rah! Rah!

2008-10-29T12:51:00.000-07:00

Go TEAM 2008!

Heh. I am giving myself a little pep cheer shortly before I head off home for the evening and face the challenge of dinner and evening snacking.

To self:

What you're doing? It's too important to keep messing up for dumb reasons. This is REALLY important. Stop screwing up and having to start over again the next day. A little consistency would be nice, love. Eat when you are hungry and don't eat when you're not. Honor your body as a vessel and don't denounce it as a cage.

Above all, love yourself and the people who love you.

Have a great evening. You'll be great, I just know it!

Love,

Me

One Step Forward, One Step Back

2008-10-29T06:02:00.000-07:00

Weight: 308.0
Total Weight loss: 42 pounds

Well, this morning's weigh-in wasn't much of a surprise. I ate well all day yesterday and then made the mistake of waiting too long to eat dinner, which by the time was ready to eat, I was starving. We're good cooks, so the food was very tasty, and I just totally overindulged.

The good news is that we made a stir-fry; however instead of the much more healthy "regular" chicken and veggie one we make, we chose our infamous Peanut Butter Chicken, which, as you can imagine is much higher in calories and everything else. The bad news is that I started out with good intentions and just caved the more I ate. We also had one egg roll a piece (not really necessary in retrospect), and to top it off, I had post-dinner snacks of a leftover biscuit (totally not worth it) and a bowl of popcorn (always good, but I wasn't hungry and definitely didn't need to eat it).

Well, lesson learned. I can't let myself get too hungry, else I am more likely to overeat. The Peanut Butter Chicken could have totally fit in to my plan, but I just ate too much of it. Way too much.

Some real good news is that this morning I went out for another walk even though the weather was the same as yesterday, only even colder. I laid there in bed debating whether to go out, and decided that if I had a dog I wouldn't have a choice -- I would have to take it out for a walk! Surely I myself am as worthy of braving not-so-great weather to get some exercise in, yes? So that's what worked for me this morning. I did a mile and a half of walking interspersed with one-minute bursts of running. I felt really sluggish, though; my insteps and shins were bothering me for most of the walk for some reason. But, I'm glad I got out there and did it regardless. Tomorrow the temperature is supposed to be a little warmer, so getting up and out should be a little easier. Not to mention that starting next week it should be easier, too, with the time change it will get lighter earlier! Being out there in the dark is sort of a bummer -- the whole time I can't help but think about horror movies and serial killers, you know?

Well, today's another day and I got a good start. It feels great to be more active, and to be getting into "gazelle" mode again (yet another Dave Ramsey term -- where you get so intense about achieving a goal, you're gazelle intense!). I just really have to watch out in the evening. A way I have figured out how to solve this is getting away from the TV so much, addiction to That 70s Show reruns be damned. Lately I have been thinking, "Well, the house is pretty tidy, and I don't have anything else that I really have to do right now, so... I guess I will sit on my ass and watch TV all night, as usual!" Ugh. That's got to stop. There are actually all sorts of things I can be doing with that time that would also prevent these evening snack attacks. Stuff like:

• Listing the books I have for sale on Amazon.com
• Going through my CDs and deciding what I don't want anymore, and list those, too
• Make art for my upcoming show in February
• Organize my office
• Sort through all my crafting supplies and decide what stays and what goes
• Strip and refinish that bookcase I garbage picked
• Sort through junk in the basement and clean it out
• Give a good cleaning to all the wood in the house -- floors, trim, doors, etc. (we have an Arts & Crafts bungalow, and it has beautiful original wood all throughout)
• Work on my personal finance plans

See, all kinds of stuff I can do with that time I waste in front of the TV. It'll be good to have this list to refer to when I think I have "nothing to do".

Onward and upward! I remain positive.

Life Goals

2008-10-28T11:19:00.000-07:00

Way back in February I wrote in my LiveJournal about the importance of writing down your life goals, after having read something about that subject over at Millionaire Mommy Next Door. If you recall from when I first started this blog, I also had plans to overhaul my finances along with my eating habits, but the eating ended up taking precedence. One of the things she talks about is sharply defining your goals and your values: what it is you want, and what really matters to you. I've really only scraped the surface over there, but it got me thinking thoughts that I wanted to note for future reference. (So I said back in February.)

Anyway, I found these goals interesting to read. They are all still things I hope to achieve one day soon (though some will no doubt happen somewhere a ways down the line), and it was good to be reminded of them. I think everyone should have a list like this.

Without further adieu, here is my Life Goal List, with today's annotations in italics.

1. I want to catch up on all the recurring household bills and always pay them on time from now on (I still very much want to do this, but it hasn't happened yet -- I think I am getting close, though!)

2. Same for debts I have incurred (Ditto on this, though there has been progress; I've been studying Dave Ramsey)

3. I want to be able to be at home more often (This is something I am going to pursue at my annual review at work -- negotiating working at home a couple days a week)

4. I want to be free to travel (I'm not even sure how I could make this happen anymore, but it's definitely something that is still on my mind a lot)

5. I want to accumulate and always have on hand at least $10,000 as a cushion (Baby steps first, though! I'll start with $1,000 and work my way up)

6. I'd like to have more time to spend with family and friends (Also tied to money issues... if I have enough money saved, I wouldn't have to work as much...)

7. I want to be rid of extraneous crap in my life, and in this I am thinking about hobbies I enjoy but aren't worth the time and expense to me (Blythe dolls, I am looking at you!) (I have been working on this. I still have quite a lot to liberate myself from; it's just making the time to do it)

8. I don't want to live paycheck to paycheck anymore (Again, the money. I'm getting there.)

9. I want to focus on my art as my main pastime/hobby/vocation/whatever you want to call it (I go back and forth on this thought. It depends on the day, but yes, it would be pretty awesome to make my living as an artist above anything else)

10. I want to invest in other artists (I LOVE buying art, and do buy small, inexpensive pieces from time to time. I'd love to be able to really indulge in supporting my fellow artists someday, though!)

Obviously I still have a lot of work to do, but I think all of these goals are totally attainable within a few years if I focus hard enough and make the effort. Just like my weight loss and healthy lifestyle.

HYC Check-In: Getting back on track

2008-10-28T06:14:00.001-07:00

Weight: 306.2
Total Weight loss: 43.8 pounds

Now this is more like it! Granted, still above my self-imposed 305/303 threshold, but a big step in the right direction. My body has clearly responded well to a day of good eating and this morning's exercise. What a relief.

For dinner yesterday I stayed true to plan. My boyfriend was making southern fried chicken (he's from Tennessee) and having biscuits and macaroni and cheese. I wanted to stay on plan and had plenty of calories left for one piece of chicken (boneless breast) and one biscuit; I skipped the mac and cheese and had salad instead. For dessert? A delicious Empire apple! Wow.

I'm not going to say that it was easy. There was a battle going on in my head all evening, and I felt a palpable anxiety over what I wanted to snack on. I kept telling myself, "You know that you aren't hungry. You just got used to a bad habit again, and now you're suffering withdrawal, is all. Ride it out and just don't worry about eating, because you're not going to anymore for tonight."

It was hard, but it worked.

This morning I was a trooper and got up a little early to get out for a walk. I say I was a trooper because the weather hasn't been the nicest lately -- very gloomy, rainy, and windy. We had a cold front coming through so it was about 40 degrees out, and the wind was whistling. On top of that, it was still dark outside, so it was kind of creepy overall. I got used to it, though, and did about half running and half walking for a half hour -- just over a mile and a half total. Not my fastest ever, granted, but at this point in time I am mainly interested in getting my body up and moving consistently than setting any records, personal or otherwise. I am happy to say that since Friday, I've been out every other day to exercise, which is what I am aiming for this week. I will keep it up, maybe even exceed that. We'll see.

So one day of concentrated effort really changed my outlook and think it is totally possible to get back down below 303 by the end of the week. And, I tell you: I'm going to keep going this time and not let the landmark 300 get to me mentally.

Thanks for your awesome, supportive comments these past few days -- they mean the world to me and help make what I am doing possible.

3:11pm Update

2008-10-27T12:11:00.000-07:00

I have almost made it through the work portion of the day feeling good about losing some more weight and making the effort to eat more healthfully again. I am really conscious of my mind set and doing a lot of talking to myself. A time like this really benefits from dedicating one's self to taking one day at a time. Well, today I am breaking it up into two portions: work and home. Work is relatively easy to deal with as far as eating the way I really want to eat: I don't like leaving the office for lunch, so whatever I bring with me can dictate what I eat throughout the day. Today I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast, and for lunch one of my favorite starving college student meals: black beans right out of the can and into a bowl of rice, heated together. I didn't even add jarred jalapenos -- just straight. That's how I ate it back then, and it is still good and still filling at under 500 calories. I had a lowfat yogurt for dessert. Eating this way again feels good.

The real test will be at home. I'll be fine for dinner with plans of chicken, salad, and a veggie, but the evening will be telling. I think we are finally out of nasty snacks and I will probably spend most of the night in the basement making some art, but I am still steeling myself for possible slip-ups. I feel that today and tonight are really important as far as how well I can do the rest of the week. It will really set the tone, and I want to do well. I want to see anything below 310 on the scale tomorrow.

Anyway, I wanted to get this out there on the page. I wanted these feelings documented. I want to get back on track more than a lot of things right now. I gotta do good for myself.

Godspeed this evening! Will report tomorrow with results and a report.

Yikes

2008-10-27T06:38:00.000-07:00

Weight: 310
Total Weight loss: 40 pounds

Wow. This is really disappointing and scary! How can I do this to myself?

OK, I'm not crying about this and I am not beating myself up over it either. This isn't the result of taking baby steps and not seeing positive changes. No. This is the result of bad eating habit: too much of the wrong things. I need to start eating just the right amount of the right things instead. Today, I decided. I'm going to look back at all the things I was doing when I was having good results, and do them again. This includes things like tracking my food intake at The Daily Plate, entering my weight every day at Physics Diet (I have been doing that, actually, but I also want to start entering my daily calorie intake there again, too), and getting in some form of exercise at least three days a week. I'm going back to measuring food amounts more diligently instead of just guesstimating. All of it. I have to, because look how easy it is to go back to where I started almost a year ago! It takes a matter of days to slide back. And I just can't do that to myself again. Not to mention, I have clothes waiting for me on the "other" side -- I've got all my dark side clothes packed and ready to be sold and/or donated.

None of this has been easy, but a time like this is really when my mettle is tested. If I can bring myself away from this dark place now, I will be OK.

And I WILL be OK. I will.

Positive thoughts and vibes would be greatly appreciated. I want to get this 10 pounds off as quickly as possible, and your support will make it that much easier.

Love to all!

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

2008-10-24T07:09:00.000-07:00

The Good: After over two weeks of relative inactivity, I got up very early and took a run by the moonlight and stars. I managed to run for 32 minutes and covered 1.78 miles. In addition to that I had five-minute warm-up and cool-down walking sessions. Overall, I covered almost two and a quarter miles, and it felt really good! So nice to challenge myself again and have my body come through for me even though I have been treating it like crap lately.

The Bad: The past few days I have been hovering just above my threshold weight of 305. This morning, even after the run, I weighed in a 307.8, a number I haven't seen in months. I was pretty horrified. What if I hadn't run this morning, then what? Eesh.

The Ugly: I've been eating like crap lately, falling almost entirely back into my old habits. I sure can feel the difference in my energy level, and just my overall feeling. In short, it sucks. I don't like feeling this way at all, and I don't like seeing the number on scale increasing like that, especially after maintaining for a couple months! Time to nip this thing once and for all.

I suppose I could make all sorts of sweeping changes and proclamations, but you know what? That hasn't worked for me so far, so I am not going to do it now. I don't honestly know how I am going to handle this situation exactly, but I am going to take action before the gain gets out of hand. Running this morning was a good start, and I am going to be very busy making art this weekend, so I won't have much time for sitting on my ass in front of the TV munching out on whatever I have made handy for myself. At the very least, I need to break the habit I rebuilt of evening indulgence -- crap I really don't need to eat every night like big bowls of ice cream (why did I even buy it?). Mind you, I am not demonizing ice cream, merely my inability to keep a half gallon in the house at this point in time. It just makes it too easy to veer off track. Who needs it?

Fortunately, my body is craving vegetables, believe it or not. I bought some salad fixings for tonight's dinner, and last night we enjoyed yet another new stir fry. Plus, with the economy the way it is, who can afford to fill themselves with junk?

*sigh* I'm just still not ready to give up. I have so much work still to do, and I am going to get there eventually, however long it takes!

sigh

2008-10-14T09:23:00.000-07:00

This blog is getting repetitive and probably not very interesting. Every time I check in with you (if there is still anyone out there, that is), I've nothing new to say except Still hanging in there! Still maintaining!. Today is no exception, I am afraid. I still remain at or under the 303 threshold, which is great, right?

*sigh* Right. I guess.

I am trying to figure out how to get my zing back. I suppose tracking my eating again might do it, or what if I started over with the Couch to 5K plan, just to take baby steps? I can still run a good 20 minutes at a stretch, but why not try something easy that will ensure that I get back out there again regularly? Perhaps I will even improve my running by doing so, even. It's a thought.

I was very happy this morning to try on one of the last pairs of jeans I bought (a size 24, no big deal, but they were always a squee bit tight on me, at least compared to my other pants), and find that they fit me perfectly. For some reason I had it in my head that I wouldn't be able to wear them, which doesn't really make any sense since I haven't put on any extra weight since I first bought them. But you know how the psyche can be, sometimes a little cruel and with rather low expectations.

You know what I would really like? To lose some more weight! I really, really would. I want to see what I will look like with another 10, 20, 50 pounds off me. I want to see how I feel, for that matter.

Lately I've been tired all the time and while I am sure I can attribute some of it to my inability to sleep all the way through a night (thanks, cats! Not!), I think that a lot of it is that I have not been nearly as active as I used to be, and it's taking its toll. That's no good.

Hm. Maybe starting tomorrow I will start C25K again, do it every other day straight through. I'll be all like, "Pfft! This is EASY!" but it will be really interesting to see how fast I can run in those very short intervals.

We'll see! I also dedicate myself to tracking food intake for the rest of the week, no matter what.

Hope all is well with you.

STILL HERE

2008-10-10T09:59:00.000-07:00

Yes, that's in ALL CAPS.

I am still here, though it may not seem like it.

I am still maintaining, and last week Thursday I did dip below 300, even! I have remained below the 305 threshold this entire time, and mostly below the 303 threshold... just the past few days have I been playing with 304, which I think is lady-related, if you catch my drift. Because it can't have anything to do with that cheap-o half gallon of ice cream I bought at the beginning of the week that I have been gradually polishing off, no sir! ;)

Note to self: It's still not a good idea to have a large container of ice cream in the house, apparently.

Aside from that, things are things. They're fine. I'm getting out every so often to move my ass around. The other day I managed a pretty decent short run, which was surprising and pleasing. I haven't lost my fight, no way.

Anyhow, just wanted to poke my head in the door and say, "Hi! Thinking of you!"

Two days in a row

2008-10-01T06:37:00.000-07:00

Hooray!

Despite loathing the idea of leaving a very cuddly bed this morning (with an affectionate grey long-haired kitty, and C. of course), I got up at 6:30 and threw my gear on and headed out the door for a good walk. On the program, today is labeled a "rest or walk" day, so I just decided to do... whatever. Actually, shortly after starting, I figured I would try for a 40 minute brisk walk. In the end, I came up with 43 minutes and 2.32 miles. Nothing super-fast or PR-breaking, but a pretty good workout in which I ran just a quarter mile.

After last night's munch fest -- well, I wasn't too bad, just half a bag of marshmallows (ugh, I know, gross!), I was expecting to see at least a slight gain, but fortunately I stayed exactly the same as yesterday, which I was very pleased with. I'm also very happy to see the moving average at Physics Diet heading downward once more, and in the green!

My goal for today is fairly simple, and will be easy to implement: I want to do no snacking after dinner. I say that it will be easy to do because I have my dad and stepmom coming in from out of town tomorrow afternoon, and have a bit of tidying to do. If anything, I will be burning a bunch of extra energy units! ;) I'm really hoping that this will put me under 300 again, and maybe even for good. Yes.

Ah, wearing size 22 dress pants today, very nice! They are snug, but not obscene or unseemly... at least I hope not! ;) Fresh out of the wash, too. Now that's progress.

HYC Check-In: Back in the Game

2008-09-30T06:54:00.000-07:00

Weight: 301.8
Total Weight loss: 48.2

I am happy to say that I started my exercise regimen again this morning -- in the dark, even! After writing yesterday's entry, I was truly inspired to motivate myself to JUST DO IT already. At some point one gets tired of sounding like a broken record or a lameass who is always saying that she will do x or y someday, but never does. So now, I no longer qualify as either one. Major points for myself, I'm not proud.

I decided to pick up again not with a running program, but with good old Hal Higdon's 10k walking program instead, giving myself the option of sprinkling each outing liberally with at-will periods of running. This morning prescribed a 30-minute walk, which I did. I managed to cover 1.72 miles, which is about a 17.25 mile pace. Not too shabby considering that I haven't been out in almost three weeks! I am so happy that I didn't lose all my fitness. If I keep it up, I'll be ahead of where I left off in no time.

The result on the scale this morning was also pleasing, and I really hope that I can get myself in the 200s again by the end of the week. My dad and stepmom will be visiting this weekend starting on Thursday, but I am sure I can still fit my regimen in.

The thing I really like about having taken a break from severe regulation is taking the focus off food in a negative way. Like, I have found that I can eat without having to count every calorie, or fret over it at all. Yes, I am mindful of what goes in my mouth, but it is no longer stressful or a big pain in the ass. I feel confident that I will continue to lose while eating like a "normal" person, that is, not doing the things I was just talking about. For me, this is key. Knowing that I can eat this way and not put on tons of weight this summer was practically a miracle. But now I know it really can be done.

I'm excited!

Staying Accountable

2008-09-29T10:06:00.000-07:00

Sorry -- it's like every entry these days reads the same. Still maintaining, not exercising again yet. I have, however, set a new maintain goal. Instead of my threshold being 305 (which I have not hit yet), I'm lowering it to 303. Baby step, to be sure, but something. Honestly, I still desperately want my threshold to be 299 but I really haven't had it in me to get back down that far again. It's so close and easily attainable, though! Seriously -- all I would have to do is really watch the food for a couple days and go on my morning jaunts, and BAM! That'd be all she wrote. Hm.

It's really true, too. It'd be just that easy.

I'm doing fine, still kind of achey all over for no good reason, but I did get some things accomplished over the weekend. I found another pair of pants I can wear that were among a big mess of clothes in the basement, and threw them in the wash. I am still proud of being able to keep off the weight I've lost so far -- believe me, I can gain so much weight so quickly that this is a real, true HUGE accomplishment. I am much relishing in it, even after over a month of staying at around the same weight, weighing myself every single day. Since July 23rd, there were just two days that I weighed in at (just) over 305 pounds.

What, a plateau that I am happy with?

I am still eating more crap than I really should lately, but I am also having these automatic conversations in my head about how much I need to sate a craving, or whether eating a snack at 9pm is prudent... often times I end up making the better choice, and it's not difficult or regretful, which is a very new sensation to me. It feels real, as opposed to put on. I think I made it and don't really have to fake it anymore!

No doubt I will get back to more regular posting again soon. The cool weather approaches (yay!) and I will need something to do to keep me occupied, right?

Still here!

2008-09-25T11:36:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to do a quick check with y'all. I am still around, though I have been slightly removed from blogging and reading blogs (um, duh). I am still successfully maintaining, which I am very happy about -- this week my weight was between 301 and 304 at all times.

I still need to get back into some regular exercise. I've been in a bit of a funk and have some weird pain issues with my upper body (neck, shoulders, upper arms and back) since Monday... I am guessing stress is a factor there, but I don't really know. Yes, I also bet some exercise would help, I know... ;)

Anyway, hope all is well with everyone. I expect to be back to my regular self shortly.

HYC Check-In: Still Under Limit

2008-09-16T06:38:00.000-07:00

Weight: 304
Total Weight loss: 46 pounds

OK, this is much better than I thought, weigh-in this morning. As I stepped on the scale, I was like, "Ugh... probably like 307... be prepared to deal!", so it was no small thrill to see that I am still under 305, my threshold weight over which I must not step.

Today has the potential to be a good one. I started off pretty well with breakfast, just one of my usual from McDonald's: a Fruit n' Yogurt Parfait and an Egg McMuffin with no meat. Lots of protein, this meal keeps me satisfied well into the afternoon. I'm drinking my usual water (it's very rare that I drink anything but water at work), and need to figure out what to have for lunch and maybe even think about dinner.

One thing I really need to do in the near future is start planning meals and grocery shopping. It's a good idea for two reasons. One, planned meals equals a well-balanced diet; two, our budget is going to absolutely require it shortly (I am still working, no worries there -- I just prefer not to go into that particular portion of my life here and now). That doesn't help for today, though. I'll figure something out, but I think I definitely would like a nice stir-fry tonight for dinner.

Oh, and hey! I'd like to thank those of you who were so kind in the comments box yesterday... your thoughtful words really, truly made me feel much better about where I am at now. I am nowhere close to giving up on this, but sometimes it just feels so dire, so impossible. It really helps to have awesome cheerleaders like you. So thanks, BIG TIME.

Maybe this will be a better week. I think it has potential.

I Don't Know What

2008-09-15T10:17:00.000-07:00

Hm.

I feel like I am totally gone. I don't like it.

I just read a few of my "regular" blogs, realizing that I had been missing out on a lot of updates, which upset me... that hasn't happened at all since I started up in January. It sort of feels like... I am heading down the slippery slope.

I have really not been watching my eating. I have not been walking or running. I haven't been blogging as much as I should. (I did do a lot of housework over the weekend, at least -- it was an all-day workout yesterday!) I forgot to weigh in yesterday and today before eating anything, so I don't even know exactly where I stand on that front. That's dangerous. I couldn't believe it when it happened this morning. There I was, happily munching away on my Cheerios, when it hit me: You haven't weighed yet, dumbass.

However, I will find out tomorrow and report it here. That is my promise to you. And to myself.

I'm definitely sad about all this. I know I have the power to start back again full-on at any time. I don't know why I haven't yet. I will. I WILL! I MUST!

Sorry, I can't help it: I suck.

Not Much to Say, But I Am Here Anyway

2008-09-12T09:09:00.000-07:00

Weight: 302
Total Weight loss: 48 pounds

Hello! Herro!

Since I haven't had much weight-loss or fitness excitement in my life lately, I feel like I don't have much to tell you about. But, because I feel that blogging has been an instrumental part of my success so far, here I am. I don't want to let too much time go by between entries, thereby insinuating that I am gradually giving up the ghost.

No worries, I am not.

I've decided that it's kind of cool that I have been able to maintain my weight in the past month or two. It's been pretty easy, much to my surprise. It's nice to know that some of my healthier eating habits have stuck without really trying, AND that I can eat without tracking or really thinking too much, and still eat reasonably and not gain weight. So, I haven't been eating totally clean, as I have said. But, I haven't returned to my old ways completely, either. In fact, I find that a lot of that kind of food I used to live on doesn't have half the appeal it used to. Interesting! Nifty!

Doing the minimal is better than doing nothing, and seeing this plateau as an adjustment period is a really big step for me mentally... sort of like how Andrew from Andrew is Getting Fit (see sidebar for a link to his awesome blog) was talking about not freaking out because his weight has been stabilized and even going slightly up, but seeing it as part of a much larger, ongoing process... this is so true, and such a constructive way to look at it. Like Andrew, there have been many times in the past when a series of weeks like this would have me so discouraged and depressed, and I would have thrown in the towel. Not now, though! Now I am proud to have been able to maintain my weight and prepare myself for the next phase. Hm, maybe I should take it 50 pounds at a time in general, giving myself a reprieve at each milestone?

What I have been doing:

• Drinking water
• (Mostly) avoiding nighttime snacking
• Balancing out each day's eating (i.e. if I have one "big" or "bad" meal, I am trying to eat well the rest of the day, and/or reset mentally for the next day)
• Taking one day at a time
• Being kind to myself
• Weighing daily to keep myself on track and accountable (this is HUGE one -- it is easy to let things go when you are ignorant of the facts)
• Trying to be more active in my regular daily life (housework & yardwork, etc.)
• Walking and/or running 2 or 3 times a week -- not the best, but something. OK, so this week I didn't, but there's always tomorrow to get a nice walk in...
• Blogging and reading other blogs!

It's nice to know that I do not resemble my old self a whole lot anymore. That list totally confirmed it.

Thank you, btw, for the wonderful, supportive comments the other day. They obviously helped a great deal. xoxoxo, You guys are the best!

HYC Check-In: Hanging on for Dear Life

2008-09-09T06:16:00.000-07:00

Weight: 302.2
Total Weight loss: 47.8

I am keeping my 50 pound bling in the sidebar even though I have been dancing around it for weeks now. I've been slightly under, slightly over, and right on the money for the past month or so.

To be honest, this morning's weigh-in felt like a gift. I got back up to 304.2 a few days ago which really freaked me out... if anything, I must, must, must stay under 305 at all costs. Of course, lower is better, but that is the absolute threshold right now. It just is.

I'm not sure what is going on with me lately. I guess it is the constant, low-level blues I am experiencing after losing my stepdad, but it is not really the excuse. I have not been emotional eating; I think it has been more about laziness or not wanting to take the time to plan meals or even cook.

That said, I'm obviously doing something right if I able to maintain as I have been. The nighttime snacking has not been an issue, for one. Another is that I do try to make it so that I only have one big meal each day -- so that if I indulge at lunch, I have a lighter dinner and so on.

Unfortunately the exercise has been out the window. I had my last run on Thursday and nothing since then, except yard work last night. (It counts! I sweat and toiled, believe me!) I'm sad to report that running has lost a little appeal for me at the moment, but I do also think that it is just temporary. The depression I am experiencing is also causing fatigue and poor sleep, so the last thing I want to do is get out there for a run -- probably the thing I need to do most, too! Such a battle sometimes, all this is.

I just want you all to know that I absolutely refuse to give up. I am NOT going back to living the way I was, and I do not want that body I had 50 pounds ago ever again. Talk about uncomfortable and unpleasant! I keep thinking about those size 20 jeans I have waiting in the closet for me to start wearing a few pounds down from now, and all the options I will have in the not-too-distant future. I have to keep these things in mind in order to fuel my will to keep progressing and seeing new successes. It'll be totally worth it. It IS totally worth it now.

Until I get my mojo back, I will keep maintaining and getting used to a 300-pound body vs. the old 350-pound one. I have to remind myself that it is OK to take a rest on a plateau once in a while -- climbing this proverbial mountain is hard work, after all! I'm taking my time and giving my body the chance to adjust to its new form. So what if I had originally hoped to lose 100 pounds in a year and I only lost, say, 70 (which seems likely), or even "just" 50? It's still a great accomplishment, nothing to beat myself up about. This is not a race; I can take my time as long as I don't lose my footing and backslide completely.

My new mantra: Keep your eyes ahead and above; don't look down, and for god's sake, DON'T LOOK BACK. The future is where it's at, and you have the power to create it as you see fit.

I am not in the habit of it, but am asking for some positive/inspirational/supportive feedback. I need you guys more than ever right now. Tell me something good, please? Many thanks in advance.

Back to Active

2008-09-04T05:41:00.001-07:00

This week has gone pretty well, though definitely more so on the exercise front. Yesterday I got in a nice 2 mile walk at about an 18:30 pace, and today I did a 1.5 mile run at a 16:40 pace! Nice! Coincidentally, today's run was an exact copy of the last run I did before my "Basil Hiatus" a few weeks ago: Same time starting and finishing, same distance, same route. I was pretty shocked to see that, how funny! It was also pretty awesome that I was able to get back to where I left off so quickly. I'm going to be sure to incorporate week-long breaks from running every couple months, I think. I can just picture all those muscles renewing themselves and becoming stronger, like on a CSI episode or something...

My runs are still never easy, though. Make no mistake. It was a struggle to get out of bed this morning and I kept having negative thoughts cycling through my head ("I can't possibly run 1.5 miles today," etc.), but I knew if I didn't get up and out there I would really regret it for the rest of the day, and who wants that hanging over her head? Not me. As usual, I kept telling myself to just try to make it to the end of the next segment (usually a block or at an intersection), and that I could always walk if I wanted to... at one point after the halfway mark I almost did walk a bit, but resisted and pushed through. Of course after that, things got better.

But yeah, it's never easy. I think that is part of the reason why I favor running over walking.

My eating continues to be so-so, not great. Still mindful but not always making the best decisions, yet trying to make up for indiscretions with subsequent meals, keeping up exercise. Whatever I can do NOT to revert back to the old way of living. This week marks eight months of my project and I am not letting up, the longest I have ever stuck with something like this, ever. I am proud of that.

Keep on keeping on, one day, one meal at a time.

HYC Check-In: Holding steady, again

2008-09-02T06:53:00.000-07:00

Weight: 300.2
Total Weight loss: 49.8

Though I am slightly up from a few days ago, I'm considering myself doing fine and holding steady, still. We had a few days of pretty crappy eating again, so considering that I am happy to still be where I am today. I am back into my healthy ways today, and started my day with a nice 2 mile run-walk, about 2/3 running and 1/3 walking. Seeing how I haven't been out in 2 and a half weeks, this was a great accomplishment -- and I actually hadn't planned on running at all today. Once I was out, I found that I couldn't resist trying, and once I started, the running felt very comfortable. In fact, as it turns out, even with the walking included, my pace has stayed about the same -- 17 and a half minutes per mile. I was very pleased and not totally zonked or anything.

I'm starting off repeating Week 3 of the Hal Higdon 5K running plan for novices. I had been into Week 4 when I last left off, so that's not too bad.

I think I will see some real progress on the scale this week. I'd love to have a big loss for the month, shooting for 10 pounds if I can. It's been a while since I've done that, but I think it is totally possible if I stay on target with my active goals. I can do it!

Hope all is well with everyone out there.

Almost back to normal...

2008-08-30T13:00:00.000-07:00

Weight: 298.2
Total Weight loss: 51.8 pounds

I feel like I am just about officially into the 200s. The past few weeks I have been dipping my foot into the pool but never jumping in... but I feel like I am there for real. (I'm sure I am jinxing myself by saying that, oh well.) It was rather anti-climactic, since it happened so gradually, nothing exciting at all. I am still not ready to change the "bling" in the sidebar to 50 pounds lost, but maybe I should.

Things are still mopey, but getting back to normal, kind of. I'm thankful that it is a holiday weekend so that I don't have to return to work on Monday. An extra day off is always a nice thing, but especially after you've experienced a major blow to your emotions as I have.

I will confess that I haven't been eating the best, most healthy foods. I've been eating crap, mostly, but I have been watching how much, trying to eat mostly during daylight hours, and getting some exercise in the form of cleaning and gardening and just plain running around in. No, I still haven't returned to running and walking yet. I may wait until Tuesday. I could start Hal Higdon over again. Fortunately, my weight has been stable and even going down slowly, gradually. I'm definitely in control and for the most part not letting my emotions dictate my eating habits, i.e. I haven't been self-medicating with food or anything. We did, however, move the furniture around today. Sometimes, change is good.

Don't tell anyone, but I bought a pair of size 20 jeans the other day because the size 22s fit just a little, teeny bit loose and I wanted to be able to wear them into the winter if I can. The 20s (from Avenue, btw) are very snug and not suitable for public consumption just yet, but it won't be too long. FYI, I wore a pair of old size 22 dress pants to the funeral this past week. I made sure to get clearance from mom to make sure they didn't look godawful or anything. If it passes the mom test, then it's OK with me.

I'm getting there, despite hard times.

Losses and Gains

2008-08-28T11:54:00.000-07:00

Weight: 301.2
Total Weight loss: 48.8 pounds

My stepdad, Basil, passed away early Saturday morning, August 23rd. It's been a whirlwind since then. Yesterday was the funeral, today is the first day I have had since late last week to take a breather. I'm pretty tired and just generally mopey. My mom seems to be holding up relatively well considering and still has my stepsisters around, so today I am holed up at home. It's grey and drizzly out today, perhaps appropriately.

It feels a little on the trite side to be posting about this stuff -- weight loss and fitness -- but Basil was proud of my efforts and I know he would want me to soldier on. If I didn't start blogging sooner than later, I might veer back into no man's land, and I really don't want that to happen.

I weighed myself every day but yesterday when I stayed over at my mom's house. There were a couple days when I went on "The Basil Diet" and didn't eat a whole lot of anything and saw a pretty drastic loss... down to 297, 295... held under 300 for a few days. Yesterday was one of those free for all days for when you are feeling really low and you just hang out with family and eat lots of food and chat and share rememberances, so I am not upset about my weigh this morning. It'll be down again soon enough.

Also, I haven't been out for a run or walk in abut two weeks now. I may start up again this weekend, I do miss it.

Mostly I just feel numb and empty, and probably will for a little while. But, I know that life goes on and that Basil would want me to carry on my efforts and be happy in life. I dedicate this entry to him and his memory.

Basil J. DeBlasi, 1939-2008
We will always remember you in your best times!

HYC Check-In: Holding steady

2008-08-19T06:38:00.000-07:00

Weight: 303.6
Total Weight loss: 46.4 pounds

I am still weighing every day, but posting it here just once a week. I'm up less than half a pound from last week, which I consider staying level for all intents and purposes. Part of me is frustrated, but honestly? With the state of my life the way it has been, I am actually quite happy to see that my weight has been stable.

It's been a really hard week overall. I am dealing with a lot of stress, most notably about my stepdad's health being in rapid decline (cancer), my hideous financial state, and (least of all, but still a stressor) getting freelance web design project finished this week (had planned to finish over the weekend but didn't). I won't go into any detail about any of it except that I've been a mess, and totally exhausted.

My eating habits have been... balanced. Balanced, that is, between eating fairly healthfully and fairly crappily. Hence no weight loss, but no weight gain either. I'm OK with this for now, but see myself getting back full-on sooner than later.

My exercising has been... infrequent since my run on Thursday. Friday was my big rest day of the week, and while I had fully intended to do my run on Saturday, I was just too tired after an emotionally draining and long day spent with my mom and at the hospital until after midnight. I didn't get home until 1am. Sunday's long walk was also nixed. I just didn't have it in me, even though it probably would have been good for some stress relief. I did go on a 20-minute bike ride in the afternoon, though, and did get my heart rate up a bit.

I am still very tired, and let myself get talked out of the first run of the week this morning by C., who wanted to spend a little time together since I have been so busy. I think he knew I was vulnerable! On top of everything else, it's PMS time again so I'm getting the drain of that, too. Just great.

All that said, no beating myself up here. Totally cutting slack. I think it's understandable; at the same time I remain diligent in the small ways I feel capable of right now. I weigh each morning, I try to eat as healthfully and reasonably as I can most times, and I do try to get at least a little exercise in when I can (like when I walked to the PO box down the street on my lunch break yesterday, for example). One thing I did accomplish: cutting out evening snacking! It was only a matter of simply not doing it. How novel!

It looks like August will be a wash, but it's OK. C. already mentioned that he is aiming for September to really get back into things -- he's also not lost or gained for the past month or so -- and I will, too (and probably a bit sooner than that).

The point is in the end that it's never too late to keep going.

Godspeed!

Grrr

2008-08-14T10:43:00.000-07:00

Today's not half as great as yesterday was. Well, they all can't be, can they?

It's just a blend of various things going on in my life that is bringing me down today, not least of which is my weight and how I have been eating lately. In a nutshell, I'm still playing around with the same 4-5 pounds and I need to get over my evening snacking. It's not rocket science, really. Pretty much if I stop that pesky evening snacking (which I only started doing recently for some unknown reason), I'll probably start losing weight again. During the day I have no problem, and I get exercise in regularly. There's no reason why it shouldn't fall off of me, really.

It's so diet cliche of me, isn't it, to have an evening snack problem? What a mundane issue to have. Fortunately, it should be an easy one for me to address.

All I can say is thank dog I found some exercise that I really enjoy. Running has been my saving grace through all of this.

As for my other problems, I won't go into them here, except that they are really stressing me out and probably not going away anytime soon. So I just have to hang in there and do my best to deal with things and/or find my way through them.

It'll be a busy weekend, so you'll likely not hear from me until Monday... have a fun one!

A Nice Day

2008-08-13T07:14:00.000-07:00

Despite totally being unable to drag my ass out of bed this morning at first, the morning turned out lovely.

C. was already up for hours and watered the plants and gardens so I didn't have to do it. We had a nice chat before I headed out on what I thought would be just a short walk. I was feeling very sore and tired, and while I had the option of a total rest day, I really didn't want to rest. I wanted to get out and move around, so I compromised and said to myself that a 30-minute leisure walk would be the ticket. No pressure.

Har, har!

I got out there and felt tired, but once I was approaching my intended half-way mark (at 14 minutes or so in), I thought... well, I'm feeling OK now, why not just go another few minutes and make it 40 total? (I keep seeing those notes about how getting more than 30 minutes of exercise a day each week is really best, what, they're actually recommending an hour a day at least 5 times a week?) So I kept going. And then at that halfway mark I only had a little ways to go to a particular intersection that would probably bring the total walk to 50 minutes, so you guessed it! I walked for 50 minutes this morning, covering over 2.5 miles. It was very, very nice.

I am, however, glad that there is a 1.5 run on the schedule tomorrow and then Friday is my true REST day, hooray!

On top of that my weight continues to go back down gradually. It's fine. My ankles are becoming more shapely, and my stomach is getting squishier (whereas it used to be more solid and full-looking and feeling), so I'm happy. I feel really, really good today.

This is my fourth week of 5x exercise, and this week it will be 6x! I like this routine, it makes me feel very strong and confident.

*Pats self on back* You're doing good, kid.

HYC Check-In: Feelin' Fine

2008-08-12T07:53:00.000-07:00

Weight: 303.2
Total Weight lost: 46.8

So, I am up a little from last week, but a few days ago I was back down to 300, and I've been back on track since yesterday, so I feel good about the chances of getting back under there shortly. Preferably in time for my 20th high school reunion on the 22nd! Ha ha! We'll see. It's not like it will make much difference; after all, most of the people who will be there saw me last when I weighed no more than 140 pounds. Wow, that's something to think about, isn't it?

I bet a lot of people wouldn't even go to their reunion if they weighed 160 pounds more than they did in high school. But, for me it's not like that. I am who I am, thin or fat, and now even though I am very fat I still feel confident, happy about where I am in life, and proud of my achievements over the years. I've taken a much different path than many and I relish in that fact. So, I will go there with my head held high and just enjoy the highjinks that is sure to ensue.

I had a really nice run today. A lot of mornings I wake up to the alarm, groan, and hit "sleep". Several times. Today was one of those mornings. I got to bed a little later than usual, and I was (and still am) pretty achey from the weekend. I really, really didn't feel like going out today and maybe almost didn't. But I did, telling myself that if it felt bad, I could cut it short. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to do the 2.25 mile run that was on the schedule.

But, I did it. It was a little rough at first, but once I got into it (as per usual), it actually started to feel good. Great, even. I finished strong, even passing by a walker who looked to have a good stride. My mileage for the actual run turned out to be a little short (by like .12 miles), but including my warm-up walk I got in a total of 2.32 miles, which is fine by me. And a bonus was that I garbage picked a multi-plant planter and a bookcase! I noticed the items on my run, and went back to get them afterward. Gotta love free stuff!

On another good note, I am wearing another skirt today that I couldn't get into previously -- a 2X, no less! Yay! Here's to more forward motion this week.

Never-Ending Struggle, But It's OK.

2008-08-11T06:39:00.001-07:00

Yep, that about describes the past week or so in a nutshell. But it's OK, really. I'm still here, and I haven't given up which is pretty amazing. So I am giving myself a big thumbs up for that. It'd be really, really easy to just give up, keep letting the pounds creep back up again, gradually (or maybe not so gradually) slip back into all my old habits.

I'm not doing that, though.

I've been keeping myself in the 300-305 range the past week. Not great, but not terrible. The exercise has been my saving grace. I rely on running and walking to keep me focused on something good, and to make me feel good about my body. This is so, so important, maybe more so than anything else. Over the past few weeks I have upped my frequency from 3, maybe 4 times a week to 5, usually 6 times per week. I run 3 times, and walk or run-walk the others. A day just doesn't feel right if I don't get in my morning routine. I'm very proud of this.

And that's why today I am not beating myself up about anything. I pretty much let go on my eating for most of the weekend, although Friday was a totally great clean eating day and it felt good. Now that it is almost the middle of August, I want my goal for the month to be to find myself solidly below 300 pounds. Just once and for all I want to be done with it, no more pussyfooting around. It's time to get down to business again. I'm going to have a look at some of my old food logs and see what I was eating back in the early days and see what has changed, if anything. I would sort of like to take the approach of this whole thing being fresh and new again, somehow. Being more diligent and accountable as I was back then will help a lot.

I guess all of this post is saying nothing new. How many times have I said this stuff already? How many times have I needed to refocus or get on track? Many times, but... really, it's never too many. It's however many times it takes to keep the weight from jetting back up. It doesn't matter how many times I start falling off the wagon, as long as one finger is still holding on, it can be enough to pull me back up.

***

I had quite the interesting adventure on Sunday, by the way! Sundays are my long walk days (one hour+), and to shake things up a bit I decided to go in the opposite direction on the trail at Devil's Hole State Park to see what I could see. Well, I found myself descending some stone stairs well into some amazing, but rather hairy, scenic trails. I wish I had had my camera with me! It was pretty hardcore hiking territory, at least to my eyes. There I was with my running sneaks, totally unprepared to navigate rocky, narrow, cliff-hanging trails. It was something I don't think I'd ever consider doing before, and I wanted to challenge myself a little, and do something that was out of my comfort zone. I was all alone, no one in sight... one misstep could have resulted in minor disaster, but at least I had my cell phone with me.

Eventually I saw a sign that said, "Limestone Cave/Power Authority Access Road". The idea of a road sounded really good to me at this point even though I had no idea how far away from home it was (though I figured probably not too far since the Power Authority is about a five minute drive from the house). I saw the cave, which was a big, dark hole in the side of a cliff with a bunch of graffiti on it and beer bottles sadly strewn about -- scary! -- and then went in the other direction, the trail getting narrower and less trail-like with each step, until finally -- FINALLY! -- I reached the road. Ah, civilization!

I had spent about 40 minutes wrestling foliage and rocks in the "wilderness" and that was enough for me. But now I had to figure out where I was and how I was going to get home. The point where I arrived at the road was at the bottom of a hill, so I had to do some work. Still, it was better than being afraid of falling off a cliff at every step. Soon enough I realized where I was and found myself entering a different type of wilderness and isolation and scariness: the wilds of a crappy industrial area of the city of Niagara Falls. Nothing but run-down abandoned factories and warehouses, and no sidewalks for another half hour or so!

I could have just as easily been attacked or kidnapped in either situation, and no one would have seen anything. All the horror movies I've ever watched in my life (and that's a lot, believe me!) cycled through my head during almost my entire walk. Fortunately, an hour and forty minutes after I first started out I was back home, never happier. Moral of the story? Sometimes it's a bad idea to be adventurous, even though I did kind of have fun.

This week my training brings me up to 2.25 mile runs tomorrow and Saturday, with an easy 1.5 miler on Thursday. I have a great route planned out that doesn't involve wilderness of any kind. ;)

Back in the Saddle Again

2008-08-08T06:43:00.001-07:00

After a two-day hiatus from good eating habits, I am back in business. And it's not even an effort because eating junk makes me feel so junky! C. experienced this, too, so we're both on the same page. That's always a good thing. I don't feel guilty about what I ate, and I am not too terribly frustrated about the few extra pounds I put on as a result. As always, this is a process and a journey that sometimes goes off the planned course, and it's OK, as long as I find my way back to the main road in short order. :)

One thing I did do that I am proud of was stick to my running program this week. It was really interesting to me that there is a direct correlation between what I eat and how I perform; it became so obvious yesterday on my short run for the week. It was just 1.5 miles, but it was rough and I did walk here and there. I just felt like I could keel over the whole time, and I know it was because of what I put in my body the day before. It was a magnificent revelation. Today on my walk, same thing. When I woke up I felt practically hungover and the last thing I wanted to do was get my gear on and exercise. But, I did it anyway and got in a good 40-minute, 2 mile walk that was made even nicer than usual by the light drizzle and cooler temperatures... my favorite weather to run or walk in, especially in my neighborhood where there are so many trees that shield you from getting totally soaked in the rain. Just lovely, as always.

And you know? For as much as I didn't want to do it, I really needed to at the same time. It felt really good once I was out. It is this experience that keeps me going each week, even on days when it would be easier to sleep in. I know that I am going to feel better if I stick to my regimen. I love having a program to adhere to for many reasons, one of which is that no matter what else happens during that week, I have that to look back on and feel proud of -- I'm still doing something good for myself. I am honoring my body by helping to make it stronger and capable. Everything else just flies out the window. It's a great sense of accomplishment that I cherish so much, that makes it possible to do everything else I need to.

In short, I am really looking forward to some clean eating today and really getting back on track.

Update: All Is Well

2008-08-06T07:52:00.000-07:00

I promised a follow-up to my earlier post (wow, two posts in one day!), and here it is.

Weigh-in, as predicted, was not pretty. It's back up to 305, rats! Ugh. However, my moving average only went up a tad, and I am still down from last Saturday's average (it's a Physics Diet thing, sorry if that doesn't make sense), so that's an upside.

As I said earlier, I wasn't going to let this ruin my mood today, and I am pleased to report that it hasn't. Right after weigh I set down to write little lovey birthday notes to leave around the house for C. to find. I had a good time doing that, and found that it was impossible to feel down after doing something nice like that.

Moral of the story? Redirect your disappointment, frustration, or other not-so-good feeling. Make the decision to bring yourself out of it and into a positive place, whatever it takes. My suggestions:

• Doing something nice for someone else in need and/or deserves some TLC
• Taking a yummy bubble bath (yes, I LOVE baths!) and luxuriating
• Get outside and convene with nature, via gardening, a stroll or jog through the neighborhood, or a leisure bike ride
• Write about it -- get it out of your system!
• Declare the day a "Cutting Slack" day, whereupon you forgive yourself and move on very consciously
• Call a friend or family member and tell them why they matter to you

What do you do to get yourself out of a funk?

Losing It?

2008-08-06T04:16:00.000-07:00

No, I'm not talking about losing weight, I am talking about losing "it" -- my determination, my gung-ho, my will to recreate a new life for myself.

I think, like one of my biggest inspirations, Michelle, I'm not off the wagon, but holding on to the edge for dear life hoping not to fall off. I'm not sure what is going on with me. I've been cranky and stressed out and pretty snippy with poor C. I just got over my period, so I can't blame that. Today is his birthday, though, so I have to get happy and be kind, which will be good for me anyway. You know how sometimes you just get into a rut with certain behavior? I think I am getting used to being snippy as my "normal" way of dealing, and that is not good. I've got to snap out of it.

So it is starting to affect me in other ways, specifically what I am doing here. Last night for dinner and beyond I totally went off plan (totally unplanned, unlike today which I have planned to do for C.'s special day), and the result is that today I feel literally ill. It's my body telling me to cut the crap! I should definitely listen to that. I need to listen to that.

I am writing this before weigh-in this morning because I wanted to sort out my feelings before seeing the number on the scale, see how it might affect me. I'm sad to say that even though I am much more immune to emotional response to the scale, I am not completely cured. I know that, for example, when I weigh in a few minutes it can cheer me up a bit (number going down), or it will make me feel slightly surly (number going up, most likely scenario). I have control over this, though. What if I decide to weigh and get over it right away? Just move on in my life, start with renewed dedication immediately, cultivating a positive attitude? I won't ruin my day. I need to be happy for myself and for others -- just to be alive and to have all the opportunities I do have. One bad day or even a bad week will not change that.

I'm going to check in later and tell you what happened, and how I turned my crappy mood around.

It's a rest or walk day for my training, and I am taking a rest because I am sore. I'd really like to get out there, honestly (and not just to improve my scale reading!), but I also want to stay in tune with my body, and I think she needs to rest her bones. Tomorrow's a relatively easy 1.5 mile run, and then I will do another good walk on Friday, etc. etc. Today, I'm being gentle with myself.

Have a good day and wish me luck!

HYC Check-In: Oh, the Bling...

2008-08-05T06:55:00.000-07:00

Weight: 302 pounds
Total Weight loss: 48 pounds

So, I decided to change my bling back to 45 pounds lost and wait on the 50 pounds lost badge. I'm obviously not quite there in full, but it's OK. I will get there permanently soon enough. I think I need to have another massive refocus, it seems to be a weekly requirement. So be it! I am totally refocusing my efforts for a smashing week.

It started off well, I must say! This morning began week 3 in my training, and called for a 2 mile run. After my last run on Saturday that was so hard (barely made it through 1.5 miles), I was a bit leery of this one. I needn't have been, though -- it went well. And though it felt like I was quite slow, I ran at a pretty decent pace for me, just over 17 minutes per mile. Still much better than what I was running while still going through C25K, for sure. And this morning I just realized: I've only been running for just over four months now -- I've made a LOT of progress already. I have to keep reminding myself of that as I scold myself for not tackling the 10K training yet. My 5K training ends in mid-September, so I should start looking for another suitable race to try, preferably out closer to where most of my family lives, so that I have a cheering section and someone to hold my keys and take photos! ;)

In summary, it is a disappointment that I am up a couple pounds from this time last week, but I am still happy with how things are going. Nowhere to go but up from here! (Or down, depending on how you look at it, heh.)

Have a good week, everyone!

Another Opportunity to Kick A$$

2008-08-04T06:41:00.000-07:00

Last week I wrote that my goals were to complete my training week in running successfully (check!) and to keep my weight at or under 300. I am sad to say that on the second count, I did not fully succeed. The highest high was 303.6, and the lowest low was 299.4.Today on my rest day (Fridays and Mondays, btw), I clocked in at 302.6.

I'm disappointed, but also pretty OK with this. Whenever I hit a new, sudden low, the weight plays around a bit. I think this past week has been about not only simple bodily adjustment, but also crazy female hormones, so I am cutting myself some slack. However, I have very, very good feelings about this week. I will be entering week 3 of my Hal Higdon 5K training, and I also feel that I can take my weight down below 300 for good. This will be my focus.

I have to admit that I had a moment this weekend when I just felt like throwing in the towel. It wasn't for any particular reason, but I even declared it out loud to C., whose prompt response was perfect: "You can't give up now, you've come so far! You can do it." Isn't that some awesome support? It snapped me right back into reality, with reality being YES I can do it, and YES I have come so far. Dummy. ;)

Saturday's run was really tough for me. I had accidentally shifted Thursday's and Saturday's run around, so I was doing a 1.5 mile, but man! I had like zero energy. I did end up walking a little bit, but I finished. Here's another reality: you can't always have a good run, and hormones suck. I totally blamed my clunkiness with the hormones. But! On Sundays, a long walk (30-60 minutes) is prescribed. Last week I finally made it over to Devil's Hole Park, which is just a 10-15 minute walk away from my house. The trails there are gorgeous and run right along the Niagara River. Yesterday I made a return trip there, but got a little carried away and walked for just under two hours total, all the way to Whirlpool Park and back. It was pretty amazing. I got a great workout, I really enjoyed it (!) and bonus! Today I am not sore at all. Hiking the park trails will be my regular Sunday morning activity from now on.

Here, for your viewing pleasure, a photodoc of my walk:

Here's an example of the scenery along my regular route. Lots of greenery and shade which makes for a really pleasant run or walk.

Once I arrive at Devil's Hole Park (located just beyond where the first photo was taken), this is the view I am treated with! Ah, breathtaking! I love the sound of the river. Canada's on the other side there, just across the way.

Dun dun DUN! Most of the trail I cover is pretty easy-going, but look at this little downhill treachery! Last week I didn't even attempt to traverse it, but I tried this week and it was pretty all right. You just have to be careful. (It looks much worse in person, btw.)

A little ways down the trail, I am rewarded with the vista at Whirlpool State Park. Believe it or not, I'd never been here before in my life. I feel so lucky to live so close to such gorgeous landscape. Again, Canada's just across the way there! Upstream is the Whirlpool Bridge.

...but then, on the way back I had to go UP that little rocky hill... Turns out it wasn't half bad to climb up. No problem! See how rocky and steep?

If that kind of scenery does not inspire one to get out and move, I don't know what will. I covered just over 4.25 miles on my walk, and I was thoroughly enjoying it the whole time. I can't wait until this upcoming Sunday to do it again! That's the kind of exercise everyone needs. Also, a trek like this really reminds me that I am not just doing all I am to see a smaller number on the scale. I'm doing it in order to enjoy life more, to enable my body to do fantastic things, and to be healthier overall. This thought is what really keeps me going, what keeps me from giving up after having a rough day or week.

Bloat, Bloat, Bloat

2008-08-01T10:55:00.001-07:00

Ugh, sometimes I just despise being a female of the species. I'm experiencing yet another marathon period again this month, today being the 8th day with no signs of slowing or stopping. This happened a few months ago, too... I don't know what's up with it, but it is most unpleasant.

Anyway, the point being that I feel bloated today, and the scale certainly reflected it. Like, above 300 reflected, which sucks the most. Oh, I know, it'll come off like nothing, because it is nothing, but man. Psychologically? I just never want to see that 3 at the front of my weight again. Ah well. Soon enough. It's nothing I did or didn't do yesterday... I had a clean eating day, got my exercise in, drank lots of water.

The funny thing is, just before I woke up this morning, I dreamt the number on the scale, almost exactly. And I remember in my dream, I was very upset. In real life, I was just surprised and annoyed, which is a much better reaction, don't you think? Today's been a funny day, feeling slightly off due to aforementioned female trouble and because I had a rest day from running. I know I needed it, but I also really feel funny when I don't get to go. It's a really important facet of my morning routine now. Rest is important, too, though... even if I have to remind myself of that fact every week, even to the point of reading it on Hal Higdon's website or wherever else runners talk about that stuff.

Suffice it say that I am really looking forward to the weekend. I want to get a lot of stuff done, and I want to kick some ass.

More Thinking

2008-07-31T11:27:00.000-07:00

I can't stop thinking about my earlier post and how unclear I was being in the correlations I was making. I think what it is... is that, I have been using my morning exercise to "make up" for my evening transgressions (the brownie, the popcorn). To me that is practically a binge/purge scenario, though certainly not as extreme as a session of uncontrollable eating followed by, say, forced vomiting (which I could never bring myself to do) or taking laxatives (which was my purge of choice way back when).

The good thing is, I guess, that the eating involved now is not binging but considered choices, (I chose quite consciously to have a bowl of popcorn or a brownie knowing that I didn't have the room for them) and that they resulted in positive action, doing something I was going to do anyway. But you can see now more clearly how I equated each situation? I do.

As I said before, self-awareness goes a long way on this journey. It's nice to make these discoveries about myself and the reasoning behind my actions and thoughts.

Thanks for reading.

On Binging and Purging

2008-07-31T07:59:00.001-07:00

This topic has been one that I've been thinking about a lot the past few days. I've never really binged and purged, but I've done other things that are not particularly healthy, like plain old binging and plain old purging. When I was in high school, I got to a point where I was eating very little (I remember trying to keep my food intake to 500 calories) and taking laxatives and over-exercising to keep losing weight. How I managed to get through a day at school without collapsing on that lifestyle, I have no idea, but I did. Later on, after college and gaining almost 100 pounds, I lost enough weight to feel fairly good about myself but I never did come to terms with food and my relationship with it. So, I would binge, feel like crap, and to absolve myself of the deed, head to the gym to work it off. In this way I was able to retain an unhealthy way of eating while maintaining my weight.

In subsequent years, I gained weight again. I dealt with it mostly by attending Weight Watchers meetings, which I pretty much hated (ugh, diet mentality galore!). I would lose 20 or 30 pounds, gain 40 or 50, and over the years I ended up with a higher and higher "highest weight ever". I remember in my college years it was 229. In the late 90s, it was 250. In 2001, I was horrified to see that I let my weight go to 310. Of course, now, as you know, my latest (and hopefully last) highest weight was 350, and even that is an educated guess since I didn't have a scale when I first decided to lose the weight for good, once and for all.

Well, now that I have lost 50 pounds and I am back down to 300, I realize that I still have a lot of issues to work through -- I mean, of course. Years and years of flawed eating and psychological crap do not get fixed in a few months. Anyway, I have been thinking about the binging and purging thing because since last week when I amped up my exercise and saw consistent daily losses, I've been doing some things that I'm not sure are good for me. Or maybe I should put it this way: My mindset is shifting in a way that I am not sure is entirely healthy. Let me tell you about it and will you tell me what you think?

As you may know, I weight myself daily according to the tenets of the Physics Diet, which really isn't a diet (see sidebar for link and check it out yourself). This has been great for me, as it keeps me accountable and has also taken the emotion out of the number on the scale; I don't base my self-value on it any longer, and I don't freak out over weight fluctuations (though I certainly get annoyed, as anyone would -- I just don't let it ruin my day, is all). Since I started running, my daily routine is to get up, go to the bathroom, go on my run, come home and get undressed, go to the bathroom again if I need to, and then weigh. But now I seem to have taken it one step further. Initially out of sheer curiosity, I weighed myself pre-run and post-run just to see if there would be a difference. And of course there is, always, because I sweat. I mean, no big deal, right? Not really. Except since then, I do this all the time now and use it as a motivational tool to get myself out the door on the days when I just don't feel like doing it. Like, I will get on the scale first, see a number I am not happy with, and then have to exercise. When I get home, my weight becomes satisfactory.

*sigh* I don't know what this is about. I mean, it's not like I am killing myself exercising. I am still doing the same things, same amount of time spent, same exertion. It just feels funny to use the scale in this way. Like I said, before I started doing this I would always weigh in after my workout, so I am getting consistent readings, and I was blissfully unaware of this effect the workout had on my weight so immediately.

I don't even know why it makes sense to me to connect it with binging and purging; maybe it's because it feels so odd and slightly obsessive. It seems to me that a simple solution to fixing it would just be to weigh myself like I always used to, once in the morning after my workout, and just stick to my training schedule no matter what because I want to, not because my scale reading was frown-worthy.

Just keeping on keeping on seems like the thing to do, but you know... I can't help but freak out about this stuff once in while. Trying to break myself of obsessive behavior and my poor relationship with food is one of my highest priorities, after all. It's not just about losing weight.

I'm sure it also doesn't help that I have slightly overeaten the past two days. Nothing major, just a bowl of popcorn that I didn't need one evening, and a leftover brownie the next (yes, of the brownies I made that I didn't care about!)... but, it's those extra indulgences on a regular basis that really add up and are the reasons I got to where I found myself in the first place. Processing all these icky feelings and missteps, I am realizing, is just as important as exercising or eating enough fruits and vegetables to ensure my success at this.

If I'm purging anything these days, it's that ickiness exactly that's got to go.

Let the Records Show

2008-07-30T06:48:00.001-07:00

...that I am actually wearing a shirt that is not black, and that I am fully accessorized! (I've got earrings on which you can't see here, just plain studs that are close in color to the red of my necklace).

This is a really rare occurrence, but I like it so... perhaps it is the beginning of a new leaf? Likely so, as all my black jersey tops that I wear the crap out of are, well, crapping out. This salmon-hued button-down is yet another item of clothing I haven't been able to wear for a long time. It's a size 22/24 and fits well everywhere except across the back and in the arms, because I have a wide back and BIG arms, where it's a tad tight but workable.

Wearing color makes me feel so noticeable. It's weird.

In other news, I walked 5K this morning on my "rest" day. It was awesome, sprinkled with the occasional few minutes of running. I just love my neighborhood so much. It is perfect for running and walking, and really gets my wishful thinking going... so many beautiful houses to shoot for someday when I have my finances in order and I'm (hopefully) making more money. Not that I don't love my house now, but I love to dream, and there are some lovely English tudors and Craftsman-style homes over there...

Dare to dream, right?

PS Isn't it funny how I can get these face shots of myself to always look almost exactly the same each time? It's kind of creepy, if you ask me.

HYC Check-In: I am still fat

2008-07-29T06:35:00.000-07:00

Weight: 300
Total Weight loss: 50 pounds

Ha ha. Well, I have lost 50 pounds but I am still fat. I have to remind myself of this fact sometimes. You can imagine how chuffed I am about getting through the first quarter of my journey and feeling a little cocky. But still, here I am in my size 24 pants and my double chin, still a fat girl.

It's OK. I don't mean this in a disparaging way. I guess I am trying to remind myself not to rest on my laurels and that I still have a lot of work to do. It would be easy to kind of sit back and take it easy for a while, or tell myself that I don't need to do this anymore because of how great I feel. But that couldn't be further from the truth. I'll probably be at this my whole life, which is fine. I'm totally adjusted to this lifestyle and shudder at the idea of going back to how things were. Back then, every day was full of fattening, atery-clogging treats. Sure, it's fun to stuff your face indiscriminately, but really? Honestly, I like it much better nowadays, when I still indulge, but just not every single day for every single meal. "Treats" have become much more enjoyable and tasty. They are also way more resistable, unless I am dealing with hardcore female issues. I made brownies the other night at C.'s request... and they looked really good, and I could have had one (or more!), but... eh... I cut myself up some kiwi along with some blackberries instead. And I did it most sincerely.

Last night I found a bunch of size 22 pairs of pants that I had saved from my last weight loss. They're not far from wearable, definitely by September if not sooner. I am excited about that -- they are very cute pants -- but at the same time, I am so ready to blow right past them, too. I'm all like, "Oh, 22s? Yeah, I got to them last time... give me some 20s, give me some 18s!" I do have a few smaller sizes tucked away, ready to see the light of day after so many years... like that poor Gap skirt I bought on super clearance years and years ago, size 16 that I was sure I would fit into again one day. I could never find it in myself to give it up for some reason, and I'm glad I didn't, because I am going to wear it for the first time next year, mark my words. The thing's still got its tags on, for chrissakes! "Wear me, already!"

This morning I felt kind of crappy (it's still that time of month) and really was having second thoughts about going on my run. I took my time in the bathroom, weighing the pros and cons, until I finally got off the pot (figuratively and literally), got my gear on, and headed out, once again promising myself the option to only do a mile if it felt bad. A 1.75 miler was on the schedule, and I really didn't think I could handle it.

But handle it I did! I also let myself take it slow and easy today, so it was totally manageable. I had no problem getting through the run at all, and I even jogged in place through a conservation with a big guy who was driving around in his pick-up garbage picking (it was garbage day today). He passed by me a couple times, and the third time, he stopped and said that I should lose some weight for him, too. He couldn't believe that I weighed as much as I do, and seemed pretty impressed by my loss so far. That was kind of neat and really kept me motivated to complete the run. I am so glad I did.

My goals for this week are pretty much the same as ever: to successfully complete my training for the week, and to keep the numbers below 300. At this point I don't even care so much about losing a lot; I just want to keep it in the 200s, even if it's 299 all week.

Hope everyone's doing well -- here's to another successful week!

What Minus 50 Pounds Looks Like

2008-07-28T09:16:00.000-07:00

(Edited a bit since my original post to include older photos and more commentary.)

Here's a photo from sometime in the fall of 2006, when I must have weighed close to 350... I had stopped wanting to know by then. I looked like I was pregnant, my stomach was so bulbous! I was in grad school for art so I had a nice haircut and dye job, cos, you know... artsy fartsy and all... ;)

OK, well, I didn't start taking progress photos until 20 pounds in, this is technically what my last 30 pounds or so looks like. Anyway... quite a difference, I think! I see the most difference in my width, especially through the arms. In the first two photos I am wearing size 26 pants (tight, then loose), and in the third I've got my size 24s, which fit nicely. (Not for long, though!) And look at my hair! It's grown like a damn weed. ;)

And, from dates as marked:

Here is a face shot from back in January, when I started. You can see how I use my hair to hide sometimes... I have a lot of these photos where it is so obvious I am trying to hide how fat my face had gotten:

And here, subsequent shots:

50 Pounds Gone!

2008-07-27T17:53:00.001-07:00

Weight: 299.2
Total Weight loss: 50.8

That's all I have to say. Wow! I did it, finally. Now, just 150 more pounds to go.

One More Little Post...

2008-07-26T10:44:00.000-07:00

Weight: 300.2
Total Weight loss: 49.8

*dies*

Ack! I am so, so close to 50 pounds lost. I mean, I am basically there. It's thrilling, but at the same time a little anti-climactic. It's definitely a great achievement, but I have a long road yet ahead and lots more to accomplish -- which I am excited about! Just think... I just have to do this three more times. Not bad! I can handle that.

I asked C. this morning if he thought I should wait on the celebration, and he was like, "You should wait until you're at 295 or so, so you know that you definitely won't see 300 again." I agree and disagree with this, but mostly I disagree so I am celebrating today with just lots of good thoughts for now. I don't really have any rewards in mind.

This morning I got hit with the first day of my period, and felt pretty crappy. I was considering not heading out for my 3rd run of the week, but did it anyway, telling myself that if it felt really bad I could just run a mile instead of 1.5. Also, I wasn't out to set any new PRs or anything... I was running strictly to get it done, not to see how much faster I could go. Turns out, I was still running at under a 17 minute pace (16:46, to be exact). Not too shabby considering I thought I toned it down quite a lot.

It'll be nice weekend. I am going to my company's picnic today, and tomorrow heading out for visits with my uncle and his wife, as well as my mom and stepdad. Should be fun! And I am going to be glowing the whole time, you can count on that.

Hope you have a great weekend, too.

It Just Keeps Getting Better

2008-07-25T07:19:00.000-07:00

Weight: 301.2
Total Weight loss: 48.8 pounds

I just have two words for you: Holy crap!

The weight is just falling off me this week. Making up for lost time, I suppose. Not to mention that I have been making a real, honest effort, too -- and it hasn't been one whit of hard, either. Seriously. Something really clicked in me this week, and food has been a non-issue, basically. The exercise has been phenomenal. Today I quite reluctantly got into my gear not really knowing what I was going to end up doing... it's a "rest or run/walk" day on the HH 5K (which is my shorthand for the Hal Higdon 5K Training for Novices, see sidebar), so I could have done nothing and technically not felt bad about it. But, I wanted to continue the good vibes for the week and, I admit it, I wanted to see more weight loss if I could help it. So I went out with the intention of walking "however long", and ended up covering more than 2 miles in about 40 minutes. I probably ran anywhere from a third to a half of it, I didn't really keep track. I just did what I felt like doing, and it was totally awesome. The best part was, once I was out there, I was doing it because... wait for it... I ENJOY it. I like being active. Wow.

That said, there are a couple more things I want to do eventually, but I don't think I want to add to my routine just yet... I think it would be more self-inflicted pressure than I would enjoy at this point, and I really do not want to upset the apple cart. Baby steps... gradual changes. I've already achieved so much in just six months! Anyway, I want to do the 100 push-ups and 100 crunches challenges that I've been seeing everywhere. They're kind of like Couch to 5K in that you start off very slow, and you gradually build up to more and more repetitions, until one day... voila! You're totally hard core.

I know I need to be doing more strengthening exercises to supplement the running, but it's going to have to wait for now. Perhaps in some more pounds lost I will feel more comfortable adding on, but for now, those tools will remain on the shelf. And I am OK with that!

I feel like such a powerhouse today. It's a great way to end the week.

Making Progress

2008-07-24T06:47:00.000-07:00

Weight: 303.2
Total Weight loss: 46.8 pounds

Steady dropping all week, and here I am at another low! Ah, the power of accountability and regular exercise. I am STILL in awe about how this works, even after months and months. You'd think I would be used to it by now. I had my second 1.5 mile run of the week, and I pushed myself a teeny bit -- not enough to kill myself or anything, but just to see what I could do -- and lo, my pace was an amazing all-time low of 16:06! I'm almost running 3.73 mph, people! That is huge for me. And I must note that it really didn't take a lot more conscious effort, it's happening naturally. I can feel a difference in my gait, most definitely; it's doesn't resemble a shuffle at all anymore. It's cool.

Another neat thing was that I came across another runner who was just finishing up her run. We totally did that runner's acknowledgment thing, and I didn't feel like a poseur even though the other runner was obviously experienced and very fit. She said, "That was a good run!" and I said, "Good! Keep it up!" and we went on our respective ways. I was about halfway through my run and it really spurred me on.

Finally, I had the biggest treat yesterday. I heard from a long lost cousin, who emailed me after she found me online -- including this blog! It was wonderful to reconnect with her and an added bonus was that she said how proud she was of what I am doing here. S., I kept that in mind when I was out this morning! It means so much to me.

I also want to thank Wee, whose comment about walking in addition to running really helped me a lot this week to come back into a regular training schedule. And Michelle? Holy crap, talk about kicking ass. She amazes me more and more each week and has really raised the bar for my own expectations for myself.

Love, love, love! It's a good day.

100th Post! Most Excellent!

2008-07-23T07:38:00.000-07:00

Today is my 100th post in this blog since I started it in February. If that does not show some real dedication, I don't know what does. ;)

***

It never ceases to amaze me how much my mood can shift, so drastically, in a matter of a day or two. If you recall I was all doom and gloom on Monday, and today it's 180 degrees. Huh? I can chalk it up to a) crazy hormone stuff or b) the amazing power of positive thinking. Or both, of course.

Still, I am amazed. *shakes head*

Chalk up another day of clean eating yesterday, and another good outing this morning, this time intervals of running and walking (5r, 3w, 6r, 2w, 5r sandwiched in between 5 minute warm up and cool down). Today I stopped at the grocery store before work to load up on veggies and fruits for the day, as well as a couple mutigrain rolls and a spicy lentil soup for lunch. I'm continuing to log my food and will do so until I don't feel like it again. I must admit that there is something very comforting about keeping track when you feel like you're in the middle of a personal crisis.

I tried on the pair of size 22 grey dress pants again this morning to check on the progress there. They are fitting much better even though I haven't lost much more weight, so much that I could wear them comfortably. I would definitely wear a long shirt with them, though, as they still make my belly look like a balloon. Not for much longer, though! I figure another five pounds and they'll be in full rotation. At this rate, I may be able to get into normal sized stores sooner than I originally thought!

I'm going to keep this up, and I will definitely have no problems reaching my goal of under 300 pounds by the end of the month. I can't wait.

Feels SO good!

HYC Check-In: Back on Track

2008-07-22T07:30:00.000-07:00

Breathe a sigh of relief. I'm no longer in panic mode.

I had a good, clean eating day yesterday. Lots of fruit and veggies, reasonable calorie intake, but also totally satisfied throughout the day. It felt good, to be more structured again. I'm aiming for that today again, too.

This morning I ran my best time ever! It was Week 1 Day 1 of Hal Higdon's 5K for Novices, which is a 1.5-mile run, and it was awesome. I felt pretty darned good the whole time, and I could just tell that my pace had improved. Turns out I was doing a 16:30 pace, which is my fastest yet. Quite an improvement from 18 and 19 minute miles!

I think my goals for the rest of the week are to just continue to eat as cleanly as possible, and log my food; and complete the first week of running training successfully, which includes three runs, and three walks. Totally doable, and something to look forward to in the end -- certain progress!

And I must say once again that the power of positive, supportive comments from my readers, and reading my favorite blogs really, really keeps me going. You can't underestimate the importance of those things, by the wisdom and success of those reaching for similar goals. You all rock!

A Recommitment, because I have to and because I want to

2008-07-21T06:10:00.000-07:00

I need to regain that enthusiasm and pep I had when I wrote the last post. You know, the one where I'm saying how great balance is, and being able to do this whole thing without feeling deprived, etc. etc.?

Sometimes I feel like such a sham (or like that silly commercial, Sham-wow!)

Sham-wow!

No, I am not conning you. I'm not even conning myself. I'm chalking my feelings this morning up to a plain old bad day. I'm hoping that it won't last the whole day, though. My plan is to nip it in the bud by purging the ugly feelings into my blog. I need to keep telling myself, "I'm human, I'm fallible.. . and it's OK."

Sham-wow! What's going on, man?

Ugh. Not much. Just that getting on the scale this morning was a gross disappointment, even though I made the choice to totally eat dirty this weekend. Oh, it was all well and good when I was maintaining, but watch me show a few pound gain and the whole thing shifts.

It's not just the weight gain, though, it's also that I only ran two times last week and didn't pursue any other physical activities aside from gardening and housework (OK, I should cut myself some slack on that because I totally kicked my own ass on those!). So add two and two and you get the feeling that you're starting to veer off track, which is scary as all get-out.

Of course since I am here in my blog addressing the problem, I have no doubt that I will come through this little crisis better and stronger than before. But for now, for this morning, I'm feeling a little defeated. I'm sure PMS isn't helping matters, either.

My plan to get out of this funk and get back to business, even just for today (because sometimes that is all you can do), is to log my food today and watch my calorie intake. Honestly? After not having done it for a while, I think it will really make me feel better, more in control and more like I am actively doing something for myself. Also, I am recommitting to starting Hal Higdon's 5K Training for Novices running program tomorrow, as planned.

See, my old self just night have decided that I just didn't have it in me to continue trying anymore. The old me probably would have said it was too much trouble, or that I was just sick of having to monitor what I eat and how I exercise. Within a few weeks, or sooner, the old me would have been firmly ensconced in the old habits and on the way to gaining all the weight back plus more.

It's just not going to happen that way anymore. This journey is far from over, and I have not run out of gumption yet. I want to reach my goals. I want to weigh between 150 and 175 (we'll see when I approach it), and I want to be able to run a marathon. That's it. And I can do these things. It's going to take time and it's going to take lots of effort, but I CAN DO THESE THINGS.

Dammit.

Checking In

2008-07-19T07:38:00.000-07:00

Weight: 304.0
Total Weight loss: 46 pounds

Holding steady! Things are going well. The last couple days have involved the epitome of balance: not necessarily eating the best stuff in the world, and perhaps eating a bit more at a meal (like, last night we celebrated new homegrown peppers with some delicious, albeit cheese-laden burritos followed by a hefty bowl of ice cream), but countering it with more activity. Yesterday, I cleaned the house in preparation for a studio visit the curator from the museum where I am having my show next year -- and it was quite a workout! With four cats in the family we always have tons of cat hair floating around, so corralling that alone got my blood flowing.

Then, this morning, I was up bright and early tending to the garden. I did several transplants that required lots of digging and shoveling, and in the heat and humidity we've been having, I literally sweat through my clothes, probably buckets worth!

All very fun stuff, I must admit. The house looks great, the garden looks great, and I feel great.

Honestly, I can't say that I plan to eat clean all weekend, but I am doing it with both eyes open and looking forward to Monday, when I am totally going in full force -- I really want to get to 299 by the beginning of August! I will probably never be so obsessed about a number on the scale again, at least not until I am straddling 200, anyway. ;)

Hope everyone is doing well. There weren't all that many updates on my regular list of blog reading, hopefully that means that you are all out enjoying yourselves!

Taking It In Stride

2008-07-16T09:47:00.000-07:00

Weight: 304.0
Total Weight loss: 46 pounds

That's what it feels like lately... kind of casual, in a way. Natural? Yes, I think so! I am just doing what feels right to do, whether it's reaching for a snack or deciding whether to run in the morning or not. I ask myself, "What will make me feel right for the rest of the day?

Note that I didn't say "good", I said, "right". That's because doing what feels good isn't always what is good for us, right? For example, I might not really feel like running when I am scheduled to run, but a quick thought reminds me that I feel so much better on any day that I do it (aches and pains aside). Same goes with my food choices. If I indulge at lunch (which seems to be the thing lately for some reason), I try to eat a veggie-heavy dinner.

It feels like everything I have been working so hard at for the past six months has really sunk into that brain of mine and become the modus operandi. That's not to say it is always easy -- which you know if you read this blog regularly -- but, it is certainly becoming more natural to eat more healthfully than to eat junk food; more natural to get out and move around than not. I even get antsy if I lay about for too long, gotta DO something!

I ran another miler this morning, after having one of my little conversations in my head. It was fine, I'm glad I did it, as I almost always am. The scale was also my friend -- looks as if I am on a downward trend again. 299, here I come!

Honestly, I am a tad flabbergasted that I am still doing this, that I am still totally into it. I've never committed to my health and well-being for so long before, and let me tell you, despite all the rough spots and discouragement, it has been totally, totally worth it. I just can't wait to see how I turn out in the end.

I'm a Runner, Again.

2008-07-15T06:21:00.000-07:00

Weight: 305.8
Total Weight loss: 44.2
(But I am still keeping my 45 pound badge for now!)

Well, I guess I never stopped being a runner, except for the fact that I took a break from it for a week. And boy, am I glad I did! This morning I rather begrudgingly got my running gear on and headed out the door. I was running a little late, as seems to be my habit lately, so I thought, well, just get 20 minutes in today and see how it goes. 1.06 miles and 18 and a half minutes later, I was finished and very pleased. Running didn't feel like a chore as it had started to feel before my break. Also, I had no pains or aches to contend with, which really helped matters. My pace felt improved (it was, by about a minute!), and it was just GOOD overall.

So, now my plan is to get three or four 20-minute runs in this week, and next week start Hal Higdon's 5K Training for Novices. The first week of that program begins with 1.5-milers, so that will be perfect and totally doable. My goal for the next eight weeks is to make the 5K distance comfortable or even easy, and to speed up a little, which I suspect will also happen naturally. I'm not going to do speedwork or anything yet, don't worry!

As predicted, my weight went up a bit after that big drop. Today's weigh-in was awesome, headed back down again. I've been really working at balancing things eating-wise. Yes, I make sure to get in fruit and veggies a-plenty -- both C. and I seem to actually crave the stuff as much as we crave chocolate, ha! But I have also just been eating. Like, eating whatever. Like an ice cream sundae yesterday for lunch's dessert! Then, we made a fantastic chicken and veggie stir-fry for dinner, super healthy, filling, and yummy. And no snacking after that. Balance. It seems to be working out OK. Good stuff since this is my ultimate desire -- to be able to not be overly restrictive in my eating habits, to not feel like I have to make major unpleasant compromises, and still be healthy and maintain a reasonable weight. Yes, it's true that this is taking some extra time. But I'm going to be happy I did take so long when I see that I am able to keep what I have lost off for good. I truly believe I can do that.

I've also had a couple clothes NSVs recently! Today I am wearing a skirt that I haven't been able to wear in at least a couple years, Lane Bryant size 22/24, and yesterday I tried on a pair of pants that I bought the last time I lost weight five years ago... they're LB size 22, and I am now able to get them on and zipper and fasten them without inhaling! They're not quite ready for public consumption as my tummy looks like a balloon in them, but I'm getting close. This particularly intrigues me because the last time I could wear them I weighed quite a bit less, which leads me to wonder whether I have a lot more muscle weight now? Or perhaps my weight distribution has shifted slightly. Who knows?

All personal stuff aside, I'm very pleased with the recent turn of events and attitude concerning my efforts and look forward to a good, active week.

Waaaa hooo!

2008-07-12T13:16:00.000-07:00

Weight: 304.6
Total Weight loss: 45.4 pounds

Well, well.

After all those feelings of doubt and discouragement, here I am the next day standing on the scale facing what some folks call a "sinker": down to 304.6! No one is more surprised than I.

It may well be a fluke, and I might end up going back up before I go down again, but I don't mind. I just love seeing that I broke another barrier. I was really hoping to see myself below 305 this week. And now I know that I can get below 300 by the end of the month.

This was just what I needed right now.

And thanks again to those of you who write such wonderful, supportive comments. I really couldn't have made it this far without you, and that is no exaggeration.

Onward and upward! Also, new bling! -- see sidebar. :)

Hard Time

2008-07-11T08:38:00.000-07:00

OK, I admit it: I'm having a hard time.

I made all kinds of declarations and proclamations and I generally sound pretty upbeat and optimistic about what I have been doing. But the real truth is (I say that a lot, don't I? Hey, I'm all about the confessional) that it's been pretty rough going for the past month. I don't feel as if I am focused enough on my goals, my eating has been marginally so-so overall. Sure, I have held my weight steady for the past few weeks, but I can't help but feel like it could all slip away any minute, that all the sudden I could find myself back where I started. Or worse.

Of course it is entirely within my power to prevent that. Last night as we lay down to bed, I said to C., "I can't lose weight!" His response was smart and true. "Of course you can. You have! You can do it."

He's totally right. I have, and I can. It's just hard lately, maybe due to stress, who knows and I find myself wanting to just eat and eat.

I guess when I really think about it, I am not indulging anywhere near the way I used to, hence my relatively stable weight. But it still doesn't feel very good. It feels like my old self, a most unwelcome visitor. It's not really that I totally gorge myself, but the way in which I eat. I'm not really mindful. I enjoy the taste, sure, but after the first few bites it becomes more about getting it into my mouth rather than fully appreciating it. It's almost like hoarding, in a way. I don't know how else to explain it.

Obviously the first step in correcting a behavior is recognizing what's wrong. First and foremost, I need to start prioritizing eating healthier foods most of the time again. We've gotten lazy about cooking the past few weeks and have been relying on take-out more often. I got out of the habit of bringing my lunch to work. Next, I want to reinvest in exercise as a tool to get me into the right mindset to achieve my goals. Just because I took a break from running this week, for example, didn't mean that I had to stop exercise all together. I could have gone on walks, or rode my bike, or started the 100 push-ups/100 sit-ups challenges like I have been planning.

It's so hard to keep your momentum going when outside elements are bringing you way, way down (in this case, it's my stepdad's struggle with cancer), but you know? This is the sort of behavior I have been seeking to overcome in the first place -- emotional eating, probably my biggest problem. I should see about reframing this experience as a challenge to be welcomed, as I did with running, and work it no matter how hard it is. Instead of measuring my progress with time or distance run, I'll be measuring with making it through a day, even a meal, eating mindfully and eating to pleasure and nourish myself -- not reward or comfort.

That is all. I am still here. I have to keep telling myself that is a big accomplishment in itself. I'm not fading away or disappearing in to the ether of dead links and neglected blogs.

HYC Check-in: Taking a Step Back

2008-07-09T06:57:00.000-07:00

Oops, I'm a day late on check-in, but you know what they say, better late than never!

I'm still here, which is in itself an accomplishment. It's true. After six months of life-changing activity, I am still here and still committed to achieving my goals. Monday was my six monthiversary, btw! It hasn't always been easy, but I have come a long way and can't wait to see what the next six months will bring. I already mapped out what I would like see six months from now, in this post -- I was so excited about it I jumped the gun a bit. I set a weight goal that is attainable by losing just 1.5 pounds a week, which is just about what I have been averaging, but I plan to be happy no matter how much weight I lose by then, as long as I lose something!

Many thanks to those of you who responded to my last post concerning taking a break from running for a week. Just what I needed to hear, some confirmation that my feelings were valid and even wise! Well, I did end up trying a run yesterday morning anyway, and while I did complete the prescribed 1.5 miles, I did have to walk about a third of it. So sluggish! And I had even had a snack before heading out, an apple, to see if that would help matters a bit. Usually I run on an empty stomach. Regardless, it was another tough run, and on top of that, my knee started acting up again. The gods have apparently spoken, and I am taking the hint: at least a week off from running, and then return working with perhaps an even novicer novice program, like Hal's 5K Training instead of the 10K. I need to work on building up to the 3 mile runs, even though I have already done a few. They're just still a bit too much for me, so I'd like to build some more endurance for shorter distances before I try to go beyond that and train for the 10K. It was just easy to get wrapped up in progress!

For all the success I have had so far with running, the reality is that I am still very heavy and the pounding of the pavement is a lot of stress on my body. I can't compare myself to someone much more lightweight than me, even if we've started running at the same time (which I have been doing to an extent, I admit it). Like it or not, most others have the advantage of having to carry a lot less weight. I want to be careful not to hurt myself, so I am going to keep at it but keep it slow and easy until I lose a bit more weight. How much, I don't know... I'll see how I feel as I go along. But as C. said, "It's not like you're an Olympic runner or something," so taking a week off will not be the end of the world. I will just give my body a chance to catch up with itself.

I had a good eating day yesterday, after having a weird slight binge on Sunday evening with a whole bag of marshmallows, of all things, and having it show viciously on the scale the next day. This morning it was back down again, and I still think I can see 305 by the end of the week if I stay focused. That is my main goal for now. And I still have three weeks to try to get into the 200s for a secondary goal, which would be great.

Anyway, I don't know. It's been a rough past few days overall. I'm worried a lot about my mom and stepdad mostly... his illness is right there beneath the surface at all times in my mind, and it's definitely taking a toll.

TGIM!

2008-07-07T07:12:00.000-07:00

I hate to say it, but I am glad it's Monday. I need a fresh start.

It was an odd weekend, mostly good, but I am exhausted again and glad to have some structure in my day.

My weight has pretty much held steady. I was hoping to see a dip to 305, but no such luck yet. Perhaps this week! Running has been really, really difficult for some reason. I'm not sure what is going on, but maybe I am just worrying too much. So, Friday was a rest day, and Saturday a 30-minute walk was on the schedule but I did three and a half hours of gardening and yard work instead, i.e. yanking miles of creeping Charlie and other invasive species out of the jungle garden, trimming bushes, and generally tidying things up. I must have sweated about 3 gallons' worth and had nothing left after that. On Sunday, I was in no shape to, and I got a late (9am) start on my scheduled three mile run. I thought there was no way I would be able to make it through, but I tried anyway since a lot times what happens is that those days are always the most successful. Not this time! I barely made it a half mile before I had to walk, and I only covered about 1.5 miles total, about half and half running/walking. It was so disappointing, but what can you do? It's not always going to be great out there, I know.

Today, thankfully is another rest day, which I really need. In fact, I have been considering taking a week off from running, if only to have some relief from the low-grade pain I've been living with since I ran the 5K. I can't seem to shake it totally, and it kind of sucks always walking around trying to ignore it. Or is that what you have to do as someone "in training" as I consider myself? Does everyone feel soreness all the time?

Sorry to sound like a baby about this. I'm just not sure if I should continue on with my program, scale back, or just rest for a week. Tomorrow's run is a 1.5-miler, and I may try it just to see if it goes any better... maybe I will just stay at 1.5-2 miles for a couple weeks before I continue with Spring Training. The 3 mile runs really take a lot out of me at this point.

I guess I am discovering that, much like adjusting to a new eating plan, you have to tweak things a bit as you go along, and figure out how much you can handle at a given time. It's such a delicate balance, though. On one hand, I want to challenge myself and not rest on my laurels; on the other, I don't want to take on too much, too soon and end up quitting because it was too hard. It is hard to pull back a little, especially when you're blogging and make your plans public and accountable to so many people, but the reality is that if I push too hard, I'm going to either hurt myself or get discouraged, or both.

So that's where I am at today. Feeling weary and a little down, but still willing to figure out how I can move forward to the next level, and still wanting desperately to reach my goals. Ultimately, that's the most important thing, isn't it?

It's Time for Success

2008-07-03T07:50:00.000-07:00

Yes, I have decided: it's time for success.

This morning I weighed in at 306 pounds even, so yesterday's weigh was not a fluke! Hooray! I am just inching my way to sub-300... July is the month! (Not to focus on the scale, but... this is a crucial time!)

Also this morning I successfully completed another run on my new program, this time another 1.5 miles. Much easier than Tuesday's run, but still tough. It's funny... before I ran the 5K race last week running seemed like it was getting easier, but since then it's getting harder somehow! Every run is a struggle. It must get easier at some point, right? This morning one of the thoughts that crossed my mind was... Why exactly am I doing this? Not to get all existential on you, but really! It's a good question that I thought I answered for myself many times already, but now those reasons seem simplistic. Like, there's got to be something bigger about this, kind of like pondering existence itself! Why am I here? Because I am. Why do I run? Because I can? That said, I am really thankful for the "rest day" that is on the schedule for tomorrow, and the 30-minute walk that's on for Saturday. Hopefully it will get me rested and ready for another 3 miler on Sunday! At least today's run saw my speed go back up a little bit, so that's good. Moving along.

While I was out doing some warm-up walking, I saw one of my neighbors out with her dog. She yelled to me, "Looking good! I can really tell a difference!" This is a neighbor whom I have never actually met before, so it was nice to shake hands and get a name (Mary). It also made me feel really good that people who only ever see me from across the street notice my progress. That's pretty cool.

Motivation, motivation -- in real life and virtually (all you who read this and comment make me feel the same way!) -- keeps the momentum, makes it all worthwhile.

PS -- My stepdad is feeling better, and should be headed home today. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers, he'll continue to need them!

307, Begone! Plus thoughts on being slow

2008-07-02T08:42:00.000-07:00

Weight: 306.2
Total Weight loss: 43.8 pounds

I know I should wait to totally celebrate until it's been a few days under 307, but hot damn! I finally broke it! I think eating clean the past two days and my new training schedule are really helping. I just plain feel better, too, except for the usual aches from running.

Today's run was a 3-miler. I was apprehensive about it since my runs since the 5K race have been difficult, including the 1.5 mile one yesterday. But, I trudged on through and finished it without walking! And, I added on just enough for it to qualify as a 5K, so... maybe it could count for the Wee Little Virtual 5K? (Ha ha, I am still hung up on that!). It took me an hour on the nose to finish, for those of you keeping score. Damn, I run slow.

I had this whole conversation in my head about how slow I am, how I thought it might be good to start an official "slow running" movement, but also how maybe I should just give it up and stick with walking. Hell no! Slow or not, I am running. It's what I love to do. My movements are running movements; in fact, if I entered a race as a walker I would be disqualified because of that. I am obviously still pretty self-conscious of my pace. I kept thinking about how all my readers, if they saw me running, would be like, "Hey! That's not running! That's... I don't know what!" I wonder if I wrongly claim the title of Runner. C. says I am a jogger, but no, I firmly believe that what I do is running. I am serious about improving, I have a training schedule, and I run races. Please don't belittle what I do by saying that I jog, simply because I am slow.

Michelle asked yesterday if I am treating myself to something special to celebrate my six month commitment. The answer is an emphatic YES! I subscribed to two running magazines and bought a couple books on the subject as well. Surely a casual jogger would never do that? Last week I bought a copy of Runner's World and was instantly hooked. I admit it, I am becoming obsessed with running. I hope those of you non-running readers aren't getting fed up with my new focus, but I must say it again: I don't think I would have stayed with this like I have if I hadn't discovered running. It really keeps me going, as well as takes away the focus from my actual weight loss, which, as many of you know, can be really frustrating and/or obsessing in not the most healthy way. I have new reasons to eat more healthfully: to fuel my runs, and to make my body more efficient for the task. It's nifty, if you ask me.

I suppose it could be argued that I have shifted my sometimes obsessive nature from one area (weight loss) to another (running), so why is it any better? Well, I do think it is healthier and more conducive to a better mind-set overall. I'm finding it easier to love my body now that I have challenged it the way I have, now that it has proven itself to me that it is so much more than a mere lump of flesh. I can now start to see it for what it is: a configuration of active molecules that I am making use of!

Today's achievements are bittersweet. My stepdad took a turn for the worse recently and is back in the hospital. Would you all kindly think some good thoughts/prayers for him? I would really appreciate it.

HYC Checkin-In: W1D1 of Spring Training

2008-07-01T08:03:00.000-07:00

Weight: 308
Total Weight loss: 42 pounds

It's Tuesday again already? The weeks seem to be zipping by. Unfortunately, my weight hasn't been zipping off lately. I was really thinking that I'd see a nice loss this morning, but instead a very slight gain (pretty much a maintain, half pound). Well, who knows? Maybe it will happen tomorrow, or the next day. I'm bound to see to movement again soon. After all, one day of eating clean again won't show instant results, I know that. ;)

I did as promised, and began my Spring Training this morning according to Hal Higdon's plan. The first run was just 1.5 miles, which yesterday I declared as "easy"; however I had another tough run despite the shorter distance. The whole time I didn't feel like I would make the distance, and my pace was back up (down?) over 19 minutes. SLOWer than even my usual. It's OK. Hal says that it doesn't matter how fast you go or even whether you decide to walk some or even all of a particular run. I did consider walking at some points but just couldn't let myself do it, even though there is nothing wrong with it... it's a rather silly point of pride, I guess. I should probably get over it.

Anyway. With July comes my official six-month mark (July 7th, to be exact). I feel a sense of renewal to my commitment and look forward to what the next six months will bring. Let's fast forward to January 2009, which will be my year anniversary, and speculate about what I might be like by then. I hope to:

• Weigh somewhere between 250 and 270 pounds
• Be able to run 10K comfortably, have my "easy" runs be 5Ks
• Wear pants size 20-22, depending on brand (based on what I wore when I last weighed the above amount)
• Have a normal "bad" cholesterol level (the "good" levels are good at this point)

And, by my 39th birthday (June 2009), I would like to:
• Weigh no more than 229 pounds (my highest weight in college when I thought I was REALLY fat, ha ha!)
• Feel confident in entering the Buffalo half-marathon (late May)
• Be able to shop in "regular" clothes stores for some things (pants size 18?)

*sigh* I just love setting goals. I'm trying really hard to visualize all these things -- if you write things down, you are more likely to do them, and if you can "see" yourself doing them, all the better. So I hear. Just think, someday in the not-so-far future, I will look back and laugh at my running struggles, and not being able to get below 307!

Where do you see yourself in the future?

A New Plan

2008-06-30T07:31:00.001-07:00

I did something new today: I ran two days in a row! After yesterday's lackluster outing, I got up early this morning and tried again. Honestly, I surprised myself by doing this -- I had gone to bed a little later than I like to and only got about six hours of sleep. Still, when the alarm went off at 6am I just couldn't resist trying to run again and see if I couldn't do a little better. (Talk about pod people! Where has the real me gotten off to?)

I wasn't the speediest ever, but I took a different route than normal and it turned out to be quite a lot hillier than what I am used to, so that didn't help my pace. No matter. I managed two and a quarter miles in 43 minutes, and it felt great. It was a really nice run; at times I felt like I did pick up my pace a bit so I was actually surprised it was as slow as it turned out to be. Maybe I should get a Garmin after all, so I know these things for sure? All Mapmyrun.com does is give you the average...

Anyway. It was a good way to start the day (Monday, ugh) and the week (a short holiday one, yay!) and, after being inspired by Wee I decided to research Hal Higdon's various running programs to give myself some structure and definite goals, post C25K. Behold! I have chosen the Spring Training for Novices, a twelve week program that starts at a level that's good for me now, and will put me at 10K capabilities before winter sets in. Then, after that, I could continue on with his marathon training if I am so inclined. Exciting! I like having a plan to follow; I admit I've been feeling a little forlorn since finishing up C25K. Unfortunately, he prescribes Mondays as rest days and I ran this morning, but I will just bite the bullet and run yet again tomorrow (it's just 1.5 miles anyway, easy peasy!) and get right into it.

Last week after I wrote my race report I sent my mom the link to it. Turned out she liked it so much that she printed it out and gave copies to her co-worker and her two sisters (and who knows who else)! I'm blushing. Anyway, if any of you are out there reading this because of my mom, welcome! And thanks, Mom, for the kudos! I love making you proud.

All is quiet on the weight front. We had a crappy eating weekend, pretty much, but I tried to keep it to just meals, and balanced it out as much as I could with activity. The result was: NO GAIN! In fact, I am back down to 307 again. Both C. and I are ready to get back into our healthy eating routine full-on again, so this week just might be the week I see some new numbers on the scale! I think that combined with Hal's plan will equal success. I can't wait!

WTF? Plus and minus

2008-06-29T12:43:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a day of WTF???s, both good and bad.

1. Good: I looked up the 5K race results online, and my chip time was 50:15, with a pace of 16:13. Also, I came in 99 of 133 in the women's group, which means that either a lot of people didn't finish, or maybe they didn't show up? I have no idea, but I also think that the chip was on crack. I have never come close to running a 16 pace before, and as I said in my last post, the finish line clock was approaching an hour when I crossed. There's no way that it took me 9 minutes to get to the start line at the beginning of the race. Anyone wager to guess what is up with that? I mean, hey, I am excited to see those stats, but can't believe they're correct.

2. Bad: I went on my run this morning with the hopes of finishing the Wee Little Virtual 5K, but alas, 'twas not meant to be. I didn't feel particularly well this morning in the first place, and the run just never got comfortable, even after 20 minutes, when I usually break through. After my first mile or so, I half walked and half ran, and even that was tough. I only managed 2 miles. It was my worst run to date, for sure. I blame my period totally. The last time I had a hard time running like this when I was still doing C25K was when I had a bad period. Hopefully I will be back to my regular self in a few days, but for now, I'm sorry to Ms. Wee Little Me and all my fellow runners doing the 5K for not making it. I tried, really!

Weight remains stable, which is great. I'm ready to drop now.

A Quick Update

2008-06-28T10:26:00.001-07:00

I am still recovering from the 5K race and haven't run since then. Of course, getting my period on Friday hasn't helped -- it's really knocked me out and I've got pretty bad cramps this time. However, I do still plan to run the Wee Little Virtual 5K (see sidebar) tomorrow morning, first thing, no matter how long it takes me. Then, starting next week I want to implement my 4x a week running schedule, with one "long" run on the weekend. I think maybe two 2-mile runs, one 3.1-mile, and a 3.5 to 4 mile run for my "long" one each week to start sounds doable. I really want to kick it up a notch.

Also, my weight seems to have stalled, or stabilized, however you want to look at it. I've pretty much maintained it between 307 and 309 since the first week of June. One one hand, I'm disappointed that I haven't done more, but on the other, I'm glad that I am capable of maintaining. Now that I am approaching the six-month mark of weight loss, it is something interesting to test. But, now I need to really get back into it and start losing consistently again. I really want to get into the 200s soon!

So, I am officially declaring July as the month I enter the 200s (sorry, I refuse to call it "twoterville", ew. It can be done! It must be done! It will be done.

Last, but not least, I must sincerely thank each and every one of you who commented about my race report! I felt completely overwhelmed by the response, between here and Livejournal (where I keep a personal journal and belong to various fitness communities) -- I felt like a superstar. :) It made me feel like coming in last is its own kind of honor. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your support! It really keeps me going!

That said, I am trying to figure out which real-life 5K I will do next. I have a couple picked out for August, but I'd like to fit one in July also. Don't worry... I will keep you posted! I am totally addicted to racing now!

Yours in hangover recovery,

Amy

PS: Hey, look! I really am losing my double chin! These was taken just a moment ago.

And this was taken back in January, when I started.

I can see a difference!

My First 5K: A Story about Coming in Last

2008-06-26T05:44:00.000-07:00

(Stupid arms-behind-back pose. What's up with that? Also, I am very proud of my sweat stains! I took a few photos of pre-race stuff with my phone, but didn't get any taken of me, except after I got home and had C. take a couple of me still in my sweaty outfit. Maybe next time I will have a buddy there with me to have photo duty!)

I did it! I finished my first 5K race last night. It feels amazing, if a little (OK, a LOT) achey and sore. People, I am 300 (and some) pounds of RUN!

I was nervous for nothing, really. I got to the registration table early and got my number (200, cool!), chip, and goody bag (neat!), and then had over an hour to kill. The race took place on Goat Island in Niagara Falls, NY, so it was a beautiful park setting (the oldest National Park in the country, in fact), with an amazing bonus view of the falls right at the starting line.

It wasn't a huge race. I'd guess maybe 300 people? It was an exciting feeling to be among all the people as we waited for the signal to begin. I positioned myself back with the walkers (who were doing a 1.5 mile route as opposed to the full 5K), since my pace is probably slower than even some of them! (More on that shortly, heh.) Of course there was a great surge forward at the start, but I was cautious to not let it get the best of me and I stayed at my usual pace: SLOW. People of all types passed me: very old, very young, walking soccer moms, people with strollers... eventually pretty much everyone passed by me. Yet somehow, I didn't get discouraged. I kept going. It felt weird and disconcerting, yes, but I had one goal that I was going to achieve no matter what: finish the damn race.

Early on middle-aged older lady and a young girl of about six walked by me. The girl asked the lady, "What's she doing?", looking at me. The lady answered, "She's doing a combination!" I turned to them and said, "No, actually, I am running. I'm just really slow." The lady smiled and said, "Well, you're doing great." Ha ha.

Not too much longer after that, a motorized cart came by, and the driver said something to the people behind me, who were part of the walking group. I turned around and asked the group what was going on. This man was like, "There's a marathon (sic) taking place here," like he didn't realize that I was participating in it! When I told him, "Yes, I KNOW that, I am running in it, too!", he acted all surprised and apologized, and said that the cart driver told him that the elite runners were starting to come through, so we'd need to watch out and stay out of the way. I admit, I threw him a dirty look, not very sportsmanlike, I know. But come on! I've got a running outfit on, sneakers and all, and I am making running motions with my body! What would make you think that I was not IN the thing? I don't know why, but it really pissed me off.

That was the only thing that threw me off a bit. The rest of the race was great, but hard. During the first mile, I really didn't think I had it in me to finish. But, once I passed by the guy who was announcing the first mile marker along with the time, I started to feel better. At one mile I was at 18:38, pretty standard for me. Plus, I tried to keep in mind that the first 20 minutes are always the toughest for me, so I just kept going. Also, seeing the "elites" -- actually, seeing all of the other runners pass by -- was really inspirational. Big bonus points go to the few that said, "Good job, keep going!" and the like as they zoomed by me. Truly, it meant the world to me and made a big difference in my mental state. Ah, to be a gazelle. Maybe someday.

I was glad once the walkers were out of the picture. The route looped around the island twice, so for the second loop I was essentially on my own. It's what I am used to, and I preferred it to the annoying chatter of the gaggles of walkers who seemed to smugly stroll by me. Bastards. Ha ha, just kidding! While I was on my second loop I started to see the occasional elite runner coming toward me on their cool-down. They, too, gave me encouraging words and told me to keep going. Again, I appreciated this more than I could ever express.

The last 700 meters was weird. (I know it was 700 because some guy was walking by said, "You've just got 700 meters left! Keep it up!") The race route was also the island's trolley path, where the sightseeing trolleys take tourists around the island. They had stopped service during the race, obviously, but since I was out for so long, it had started up again. So twice, I was honked at to get out of the way by a trolley car, which threw me off a bit, both mentally and into the grass. Still, I kept going.

Then, finally, I could see the finish line! They kept it up for me, and the clock was still ticking away. The only people left there were the official and a few volunteers, but they cheered for me. I could see the clock read 59:30... 40... I think I crossed the line at 59:50. A little slower than my time on Friday, but that's OK. I finished! I did it!

The folks at the finish line were awesome. I had a brief sob of relief and happiness, had my chip cut off, and headed to the after-race party for a banana and a beer.

Overall, it was an amazing experience and I can't wait for my next race! But, I can't help but wonder if I got a little overzealous and tried to do it before I should have? Of all the reading around I've been doing about slow 5Kers, or on forums and the like, everyone says, "Don't worry about being last. There's always going to someone slower than you." Not in my case! I mean, it doesn't really bother me that much -- just a teeny bit -- but I have never heard about someone running as slow as I do in a race. I don't know... maybe it would have been different if the walkers had been doing the whole 3.1 miles as well, but maybe not. I guess it is a moot point, really. Someone's got to finish last, and I don't mind it being me, as long as I finish.

From here on out, I plan to continue to work on my 3 mile runs until they become easy. One mile is fine, two is fine, three is still an effort for me. I want three to be like one and two, and I don't think it'll take too long for me to achieve that. I'm going to keep shooting for distance and endurance, and continue to lose weight. It's bound to get easier naturally!

I'm going to make the Run in the Mist 5K "my" race -- this year was its first and my first, a match made in heaven. I'll run it every year that I am able. It seemed well-organized, the scenery can't be beat, and it's less than five minutes from my house!

Got on the scale this morning and I'm back down to my lowest weight again. Yesterday was a fluke after all (I hope!).

Nervous! Need to Refocus

2008-06-25T06:42:00.000-07:00

Ugh. Yikes! I am nervous about running in the 5K tonight! But I also excited. I have no idea what to expect but I'm just going to go and do my best, and hopefully I will make it through OK, and that they will let me finish. I am trying to prepare myself for the likely possibility that I will come in last of the runners, and that even some walkers will beat me to the finish line. I'm pretty certain I am OK with that; I mean, someone's got to pull in the rear, right? At least I am out there doing it, and that's what important.

I slept pretty well last night, and long -- from 10pm to about 6:15am. But I was a little worried because I've been really achey the past few days, probably mostly PMS-related. I should probably pick up some Motrin or something this afternoon on my lunch break to help with that.

Also, this morning the scale was most disagreeable. I had a bit of a free-for-all last night, which was the result of saying, "Oh, I will just have some popcorn for dinner, it'll be fine," and then end up grazing for a good portion of the evening. How discouraging! Still, I can't imagine that I really ate 3.5 pounds worth of gain. :( That puts me back up over 310 again, which I was hoping to avoid ever again. I think maybe at least until I get down below 300, I'm going to start tracking food intake again, just to make sure I am on track and not getting too loose-goose. It'd be so sad to see all my hard work go down the drain because I got careless.

I know it's probably not just the food I ate last night (one night does not make or break), but also TOM and just normal fluctuation noise... but still, I want to nip this in the bud and get really serious again. I haven't been serious enough lately, to be honest. I want desperately to be under 300 pounds, but I am not going to get there half-heartedly. I have to MAKE it happen; I have to effect change.

Anyway, would y'all wish me lots of luck tonight? I won't have anyone there to cheer me on personally, though don't worry, I'll be sure to take at least some photos, and grab a stranger to take mine so I've got proof I really did it. (I'm not sure I will believe it myself, haha!)

HYC Check-in: 3.2K and beyond

2008-06-24T07:26:00.000-07:00

After a three-day break after my momentus 5K run on Friday, I was back on the road this morning. It was hard the whole time, like my body was made of lead. But, I managed to slog through just over 2 miles in about 38 minutes, so I wasn't too disappointed. I am sore! I wonder if biting off that extra little bit of distance was too much, too soon yet?

Well, if it is then darn it all, because I've decided to go ahead and run in my first 5K race tomorrow as I planned months ago -- the Run in the Mist 5K that goes around Goat Island at Niagara Falls in two loops. Should be fun! I wasn't sure if I was going to go ahead with it, but I emailed the contact person for the race asking if it would be a problem if it takes me an hour to finish. She said, no problem, that it was the first time they are mounting the race and that there would be plenty of walkers. That sealed the deal -- I'm in, and I plan to run the whole thing! It'll be interesting to see how I will do running in the evening as opposed to my regular morning run.

As far as my weight goes, I am still hovering at and just above my lowest, with which I am totally fine. It's funny, I think my body might be going through an adjustment period right now -- as I was taking a bath this morning, I looked down at my belly and it seemed really different somehow, like the shape of it is changing. Really interesting. My experiment in less/no food tracking has seemed to work out OK so far, though it still feels odd, like I am cheating the process somehow. This is all becoming easier and easier as time goes on. My lovely family showered me with compliments on Sunday about how much slimmer I am looking -- that's always nice. This morning a co-worker commented on my cute jeans, but that I am swimming in them (these were the ones I bought at Target a few months ago that wouldn't fit at first!). I am learning to accept that this is a slow, ongoing process. Still. But it's really starting to stick in my craw, I can tell!

My latest realization is how my weight loss happens. I see a cycle occurring within a five pound range. I'll sort of go between that range for a week or two (or three), seeing a good dip here and there but then evening out, and then finally going down to the next step, and so on. Again, really interesting to me, and I'd never have been aware of that without weighing in daily. It goes so far in educating you about how your body operates. I very much appreciate that knowledge...

ETA: Oh! And I almost forgot to mention the fabulous dinner C. and I cooked last night. We do love our stir-frys, and last night we tried a ginger chicken and green beans version. We'd made it before, but it had been a while, and we don't really use a recipe... you just never know how it's going to turn out. Well, let me just say that it was incredible! And easy! And super-healthy! The sauce was made up of chicken broth, soy sauce, corn starch, rice vinegar, sliced ginger and canned ginger juice. We marinated the chicken slices in soy sauce, corn starch, and brown sugar. I simply rinsed fresh green beans, and snapped off the stem ends, and threw 'em in the wok along with some garlic, red pepper flakes, and more ginger -- and we use peanut oil to stir-fry with. The beans come out of the wok once they are bright green and tender-crisp, and in goes the chicken to do its thing, with a little of the sauce. Finally, the beans come back into the mix, we throw the sauce in, a bit more corn starch to thicken, and voila! Almost better than Chinese take-out!

I love when we come up with killer meals that are also good for us. Plus, it's fun to cook together!

My first 5K!

2008-06-20T05:27:00.000-07:00

Wow, I'm totally proud of myself. On my run this morning, I ended up deciding to try for 5K. I didn't have a particular route planned ahead, but I knew that at my normal pace it'd take me just under an hour to cover that distance -- so I went for it. I ended up covering 3.2 miles in exactly an hour. It blows my mind that just three months ago I could barely run for 60 seconds, and now I can run ten times that!

I don't know whether to be more proud of the distance I covered, or the amount of time I was out there on the road, running all the way! OK, I will be proud of both. It's pretty awesome, even if I am super slow. :) I know a lot of people would balk at running for an hour straight, you know?

I also had a good weigh-in, my lowest weight so far at 307.2.

Hopefully today I will feel a little better about everything. I was pretty sad when I went to bed. My stepdad isn't doing too well, and I can't stop thinking about him and worrying about the pain he's in, etc. plus all the other stupid crap I worry about in my life, as usual.

I'm really glad it's Friday, I will tell you that much. I'm going to a birthday party on Sunday that's in my honor, along with my two younger cousins -- we're all June babies. I also have a lot of catching up to do on lawn and garden activities, since it's been raining here almost every day. It's supposed storm all weekend, too, but we'll see, hopefully I can at least mow the lawn quick. It is well on its way to jungle status at this point!

One. Day. At. A. Time. It's the only thought that gets me through lately.

PMS Strikes Again!

2008-06-19T05:43:00.000-07:00

I should know better. I've been feeling a little bit down about my efforts lately, feeling like I am getting nowhere with any of this, and today I finally pulled my head out of my a$$ and realized that it's PMS time again! That almost always brings overall feelings of malaise and personal failure in ALL aspects of my life -- relationship, finances, work, art, and you guessed it! My health and fitness.

Just wait. In a few days this will pass over and I will be back to my usual optimistic, gung-ho self who is able to see quite clearly all the positive things I am doing for myself and the subsequent results. I just have to ride through this, wait it out, try to be as kind to myself as I can in the meantime. Which is why I took down the photo I posted yesterday. It didn't portray a positive image at all. Not just because I am fat (duh!), but because I was caught with a weird, unhappy-looking expression on my face, and I was kind of slumped, and... as was commented upon, I don't need to punish myself. I don't need to put myself up for inspection and criticism in that way. (Though I may want to reconsider my posture!)

I did have a small NSV this morning -- more pants! Two pairs of capris that I haven't been able to wear in about four years, and even then they were on the tight side. Today, I was able to zip and button each with no problem, though I think I will probably hold off on wearing them for another ten pounds or so, when they will be more comfortable and fit better. Both are size 24 from Lane Bryant stores; as I have mentioned in the past I can already fit well into Old Navy 24s, so I guess 22s in that brand must not be too far away at this point.

It looks like I will probably not see 305 until next week or even the week after that, which is fine. I seem to be holding at right around 308-309 for now, I get the sense that my body is making an adjustment. And hey, I never did celebrate the fact that I am now below 310, which was the weight at which I started losing in my last big effort seven years ago! In the next 30 pounds I will really start to see a big difference in my face, which I am really excited about. I don't want to hate on myself, but dude? I really don't like my double chin, and how I become such a moon face when I am heavy.

To make up for that, here are some things I do like about my appearance right now:
• Lovely long hair (needs a shaping or a trim, but I still love it)
• Smile
• Strong legs!

OK, so that's only three things -- I was hoping for more -- but it is better than nothing. This is something I will work on. How about you? What's your list look like today?

Ups and Downs, Lows and Highs

2008-06-18T06:47:00.000-07:00

Weight: 308.4
Total Weight loss: 41.6

OK, OK, there's my weight! I know I said yesterday that I would stop posting it every day, but I was pretty happy to see it still under 310. Especially after the rude awakening I had yesterday evening.

I had a really great time in NYC, as you might recall. I was there for some art-related stuff with a bunch of other artists. One of the artists took photos throughout the weekend, and sent everyone a link to his Flickr account to see them. Well, they were great! I didn't take many photos at all myself so it was nice to see all those faces and places again. He took a lot of snapshot-style photos, unposed slice-of-life kinds of shots, which I love. And there I was, in a few of them. I was shocked at what I saw.

I know it is no big news -- everyone knows I am really fat. I still weigh over 300 pounds, and just because I lost 40 pounds doesn't mean that I have become thin somehow. Intellectually, of course, I know this, too. But it is amazing the disparity between the image I have of myself in my head vs. the reality of my girth. It's crazy -- just the total opposite of how I imagined myself as a teenager (thinking I was a huge whale, when in reality I was quite slender). I mean, I guess my delusion now is a more healthy one, and maybe once I really am thin again my mind's image will match. It was just such a shock. I am still BIG.

It's OK and everything. I mean, I know I've come so far and that I am still making progress. I also can't deny that seeing the photos was like a kick in the stomach, there for a while. The thought almost crossed my mind that I've done all I have for nothing, even though I know this is not true. I was also like "Well, no wonder no one at work notices," and "My family was totally just being nice when they say they see a difference every time they see me," (See? Damned if you do, damned if you don't).

I guess there is really no point to this post except to record these feelings. It's not going to change anything as far as what I am doing, except maybe to keep me going even stronger and harder. I guess in a way it is good for me at this point to truly understand that I have so far to go, that six months in is no reason to slack off or give up. Now is the time to instead up the ante.

(EDIT 6/19: I took out the photo I had posted. It just seemed too... something... not helpful?)

HYC Check-in

2008-06-17T07:19:00.000-07:00

Weight: 309.4
Total Weight loss: 40.6

Heading into Tuesday, this week still feels good. I'd really love to see 305 by the end of the week, but I don't know if that is reasonable. Probably not, but I'll shoot for it anyway, even if it's just for a "blip" like 307 was initially. I am up a little today, but this is the "noise" we talk about over at Physics Diet. I don't worry about small fluctuations. In fact, I'm sort of wondering if I should just skip my daily explanations about what my weigh-in means to me each day; I find it a bit tedious, and since I log my weight every day elsewhere, should I bother doing it here? It's not that interesting. Maybe from now I on I will give a weight report on a weekly basis and talk about any strange or remarkable fluxes then.

So things have been changing slightly since I was on vacation, and since my scale ran out of juice. I realized that I can indeed gauge proper eating without logging my food intake every day, like I had been, and still lose weight successfully and still make healthier choices. It's becoming more natural now, totally done out of habit and desire. I suppose I can try it more loose for a while, and if I start seeing things head in the wrong direction, I can always go back to tracking my food. Then again, maybe I should continue at least until the end of the year and make the most of my Daily Plate gold membership... hm. Things to consider. But, I must say that I like much more not having to obsess so much about what goes in my mouth. As long as I can keep myself honest, I'll see how it goes. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this!

I'm heading into my 24th week of healthy habits, a couple weeks shy of six months! In that time, I've lost over 40 pounds, about 22 inches all over my body, and borderline diabetes worries. I've gained a fresh perspective, more energy and strength, and just a plain awesome overall attitude adjustment.

What a difference a week makes!

2008-06-16T06:42:00.000-07:00

Weight: 307.8
Total Weight loss: 42.2

Well! I am back down to where I was one week ago (plus two ounces, but whatever). Just what I thought would happen. It feels good!

This morning I went on my first run in nearly two weeks. I missed it! I also got to try out my new pair of beautiful sneakers, the New Balance 768 Stability. It seems to get mixed reviews online, but when I was getting fitted at the running store, they were the shoes that were the most comfortable to me (I tried on three pairs total, these were the last ones I tried), and the run went just fine. Granted, I was a little slower and didn't go as far as where I had been before my break, but I did manage just over a mile and a half in just over 30 minutes, which was fine by me. I'm sure I will be back up to where I left off in no time.

Overall I am feeling much better. My cold pretty much disappeared Friday evening, and Saturday was spent running errands and cleaning out the basement space I'm going to use as my art studio -- it was quite a job! Yesterday was more of the same, plus transplanting our tomatoes and other plants into larger containers, also a heart-rate increasing activity (yes, really! They were BIG containers that I wrangled all by myself!), plus miscellaneous garden and lawn stuff, as usual.

So today I feel all fresh and renewed in my efforts, and totally back to normal, which is sometimes a really nice thing. Here's to Mondays!

I've been tagged!

2008-06-13T05:57:00.000-07:00

The lovely and awesome Michelle has tagged me for some survey questions, which I am happy to answer.!

The Rules:

Tagging is easy. Just copy the following onto your post. The rules of the game are posted at the start of your blog post. In this case, I'm asking you 5 questions about running. Each player answers the 5 questions on their own blog. At the end of your post you tag 5 other people and post their names. Go to their blogs and leave a comment on their blogs telling them they've been tagged and to look at your blog for details. When they've answered the questions on their own blog, they come back to yours to tell you. Got that? (Stolen in its entirety from Flo by way of Irene ;)

1. How would you describe your running 10 years ago?
No running at all. Maybe some bike riding and walking. Five years before that, I was going to a gym regularly and using the treadmill, among other things. Some years before that, I was on my high school's cross-country team for one season, mainly because I had some encouraging friends on the team, and I wanted to see if I could do it. I was really slow (as I am now), and always came in last at the races, but my coach was awesome and encouraged us all to do the best we could, no matter what. He wasn't one of those crazy "You have to win!" coaches. Sadly, I didn't keep it up after that.

2. What is your best/worst running experience?
My best running experience was reaching the point in the C25K program where it's just straight running, and being able to do it, period. Yes, it was painful and slow, that first 20 minute run, but it was also totally great. I have two worst experiences: one, the time I fell a few weeks into C25K, when I tripped on a crack in the sidewalk (I didn't get hurt and was able to finish my run, but it still sucked), and two, when I developed runner's knee at the beginning of week 8.

3. Why do you run?
I run because I like to challenge myself, and because I wanted something convenient and cheap and simple to do to improve my fitness level. I run because I always, always look on with envy at those runners you see who look so effortless, gliding along -- I want to be like that someday. I run because it makes me feel amazing and invincible, like I can do anything. It gives me a fantastic high, even if I am slow.

4. What is the best or worst piece of running advice that you've been given about running?
Rest if you are injured. Take it slow. Work up your endurance and distance. I guess I haven't heard any bad advice.

5. Tell us something surprising about yourself that not many people would know.
I'm really self-conscious overall. But I don't think you would ever know that if you saw me running my way through the neighborhood. OMG fat runner! Yeah. I just really don't care anymore what people think about that. In fact, I am very proud of what I am able to do, so I don't care if I jiggle like a bowl of jelly or if a kid on a tricycle could ride circles around me. Running has really given me a sense of pride about my body and what it is capable of doing now, and what it might develop into later.

I know I am supposed to tag five people, but... I'd like to see any one of my readers take this survey and post it on their blogs, too! So, go for it!

Oh well

2008-06-13T05:36:00.000-07:00

Weight: 313.2
Total Weight loss: 36.8

What a frustrating week. It started out so well, and has ended in shambles.

OK, maybe I am being a bit dramatic. In fact, I know I totally am. I'm thankful to be alive and well, for instance. But I don't understand how I could have lost so much weight and then gained it back so quickly, in the course of two weeks! Well, it's probably just that I expended so much energy and sweat every day that I was in New York, and once I got back to my regular life (and a less active one than usual, at that, because of this cold), my weight evened itself out and reverted back to reality. The reality is that I wasn't eating the best over my vacation before I went away, and that the last time I was able to weigh I was in the 313 neighborhood, therefore I have effectively maintained during that time, which I should be happy about.

There. I think that is a reasonable explanation, and putting it in that context, I feel much better. Like I had my cake and ate it, too. Literally.

I'm not feeling any better today, but not any worse, either. All I can say is thank the gods for Zicam, which keeps my nasal passages free and clear. I don't seem to be developing a cough or anything else, yet. Hopefully, I won't as I really do want to start running again, stat. I decided that tomorrow morning I am going to the running store for my sneakers no matter what. I want them on my feet and at the ready! As I may have mentioned before, C. is buying them for me for my birthday, but the funny thing is that I got a torn out catalog page from my stepmother in the mail yesterday with a note written on it: "Would you like these? They're on me, just let me know!" It's a pair of sneakers from Hammacher Schlemmer that have some sort of spring cushion in them or something. Well, I will tell her that I am all set on the sneaker front, but if she would like, I'd take her up on some other running gear if she is so inclined. Hopefully she will go for it. When I told her about my running goals, including 5Ks, 10Ks, and beyond, she said that she would love to join me on a 10K when I was ready, so that's something to look forward to.

Did you notice, I took my 40 pounds lost "bling" down for now? I don't feel like going back to the 35 pound one, so I'm going to wait it out until I get back down another few pounds before I put anything up announcing my achievements. At this point, it feels like too much pressure, too much to live up to. It's just that kind of week.

I'm looking forward to the weekend, and to a new week coming up. It's bound to be better than this one was.

Physics Diet doesn't lie

2008-06-12T07:12:00.000-07:00

(You can click on it to get a better view)

Behold the wonder that is my Physics Diet chart. This covers from January on, but it wasn't until mid-February on, when I first started using that website and weighing daily. You can see how it really demonstrates trends in your body, like how every month I have "peaks", where my weight spikes fairly sharply, then goes back down over the following three or four days. It's why I am really trying hard not to get too down about the most recent occurrence, because, dude! Scientific data doesn't lie, right? Right.

Anyway, just wanted to share. You can see how it interpolated my data from when I wasn't able to weight myself recently.

Blergh.

2008-06-12T06:51:00.000-07:00

Weight: 313.4
Total Weight loss: 36.6

Yikes. It turns out I actually am sick. By the time I got home from work last night, I felt like total crap. I'm very stuffed up, and fortunately Zicam does wonders for that, and and Advil substitute takes care of my aches. But ugh! How lame to get this kind of sick in the middle of summer, right? I was really looking forward to getting back into my running routine, but I'm going to hold off until next week. And I probably won't get my new sneakers until this weekend, which is fine, but this whole thing really bums me out, you know?

Well, I'm down a half pound-ish from my big gain yesterday. This is good, but man! I just knew that big loss was too good to be true, or just a result of the NYC craziness. Never mind, though. It'll come back down, just like it always does, and soon I will be totally back on track and headed down into the 200s.

I'm in a bit of a funk, sort of feeling like I just don't look any different, that I will never lose the double chin and rolls, and all of that. I'm usually very upbeat and optimistic about this stuff, all this work I'm doing, and I feel great, but... today? I'm feeling quite low about my efforts. It's probably just because life was so crazy there while on vacation, and getting back into some semblance of "normal" (whatever that means), but still. I have to admit: I am really, really upset about getting down to 307 and change, and then having it come back up to 313. I really am.

Not that I am giving up or falling off the proverbial horse, don't worry about that. I've felt this way before, way back when, and came through just fine. I will this time, too. I'm glad to have a place where I can publicly talk about this stuff, purge it from my psyche and pass it on into the ether of the internet.

Coaching self to regular self: "It's OK to feel down. You're sick, not feeling well and it's totally normal. It doesn't mean that you aren't succeeding. This is but a small bump in the road, a mere flicker in the flame. Go ahead, feel bad today, but work on getting better, feed your body with vitamins from healthy foods and lots of water, and ride it out. You're doing fine!"

*pats self on the head*

How to gain five pounds overnight

2008-06-11T06:37:00.001-07:00

Weight: 313.8
Total Weight loss: 36.2

Wow, how about that? Birthday cake, or what?

Well. I'm honestly not too worried. When I entered my data at Physics Diet, I saw on my chart that just like clockwork, I had my monthly peak. Evey single month this happen; it's pretty amazing, really. It's not a TOM thing, as I had my period last week before I left for New York. It just is, but I am glad to know it. If it wasn't for the daily weigh, I wouldn't know this about my body and I'd probably be freaking out.

Anyway, if all goes according to history, I should be back down minus even more in just a few days.

I feel like total crap today, physically and emotionally. My stepdad is not doing too well (the cancer is now "progressing", they've been told), and I think it was a big mistake to finish off those chicken wings and blue cheese dressing last night that had been sitting out all day and the night before on the counter. I definitely have some mild food poisoning going on, for sure. Stupid. Also, last night I had the worst night's sleep I've had in a long time. Total. Crap.

I'll be drinking lots of water today, and I don't know what. No wonder my body's holding onto some weight today, poor thing.

Ouch.

Post-birthday, last day of vacation

2008-06-10T14:34:00.000-07:00

Weight: 308.2
Total Weight loss: 41.8

Healthy You Challenge Check-in Day

I was quite happy with weigh-in this morning, showing a gain from yesterday of just about a half pound. What? Happy with a gain? Well, one, I am happy to have my scale back in working order so I can weigh daily again. Two, yesterday was my birthday and therefore a sort of free-for-all kind of day, eating-wise. (OK, so was today, kind of -- we got the cake a day late, but I did do some pretty back-breaking yard work all morning, so hopefully it will balance out.) Three, I wasn't sure if all that weight I lost over my scale break was just a result of lots of water lost in New York. (Hey! Have you seen my water?)

Therefore, this sort of gain does not register as a gain to me, per se, and it still reads as a loss on my moving average chart over at Physics Diet, so it's all good.

I am still letting my body recover from New York City. My feet and legs feel much better today, but I am still very fatigued from all the schlepping around and constant stimulus. All can say is, it's a damn good thing I had minus 40 pounds and the C25K under my belt in time for the trip, else I'd have been in really bad shape, I know. It was still difficult for me even being fairly new and improved, I can't really imagine my old self tackling the Big Apple, honestly.

I was going to try running this morning, but C. woke me up bright and early to get a head start on our Lawn and Garden day, which was threatening to be thwarted by stormy weather. I had some brush and errant trees to clear out on one side of our house, and he had some hot pepper and tomato plants to transplant into all our shiny new containers -- plus we needed to stop at Home Depot for some more soil, a shovel, and other miscellany before we got rained and thundered out from outside activity. So it looks like tomorrow will be my first day back on track with the running... I am thinking about giving myself yet one more day, though, as my knee got a lot of mileage and a tiny bit of a twist the other day walking into a convenience store. I don't want to hurt myself. We'll see how I feel.

I am excited that tomorrow after work I will be heading over to a local running store to be pro fitted for a new pair of sneaks -- my birthday present from C. this year. I can't wait.

Vacation redux

2008-06-09T16:02:00.000-07:00

Weight: 307.6
Total Weight lost: 42.4 pounds

Wow, can it be possible that it has been over a week since my last post here? For shame it is! I guess being on vacation sort of scrambles all my regular activities, but part of the problem was that since Thursday I hadn't had sufficient internet access to allow me to update, travelling to and being in New York City for four days. (Yes, I've heard of internet cafes etc., but really? I was way too busy to even think about blogging.)

I had a fabulous time. My whole vacation has been fabulous, really, and refreshing and totally making me not want to return to my working life, as A-OK as it is. My NYC trip was no less than life-changing in many ways, but I will focus on the stuff I reserve for this blog for consistency's sake. ;)

You remember how my scale's lifetime battery bit the dust and I hadn't been able to weigh myself for almost two weeks? That was interesting. I found that I was less restrictive, less careful with the food choices I made, and that I even stopped logging my food intake at The Daily Plate like I have been doing. However, I was still mindful in a way. I certainly kept up the physical activity, and my runs are now up to 40 minutes straight, and I am able to cover just over 2.25 miles!

To give you an idea of how into running I am now, I actually brought my running sneaks with me to New York. Good thing I did, too, because my regular shoes gave me big blisters on each foot (nothing new for me, it's a New York tradition!) and my sneakers cushioned the pain a little bit. (I wore flip-flops on the 9+ hour train ride home, which allowed my poor dogs to breathe!) Really, though, I brought them with the intention to run, whether at the hotel fitness room or on the street or wherever else seemed fit.

I did in fact run/walk on the treadmill the first night I was in town, on a fairly archaic model which kind of kicked my ass. I got a good 30-minute workout in, though, and that was it for the weekend. The rest of the exercise I got was purely natural, beating the sidewalks faithfully and sweating my ass off. I had the privilege of visiting New York for the first heat wave of the year, in 90+ degree temperatures. And I'm someone who basically refuses to wear short sleeves no matter what. I sweated, and sweated, and sweated. Buckets. I also could not get enough water. It's all I drank, aside from some wine and Mojitos, all weekend. Probably gallons and gallons, no exaggeration. How the hell do all those Sex and the City type of women do it and still look their brand of good? Seriously.

I kind of watched my eating, or was at least semi-mindful. I found that whenever I did eat, I didn't eat a whole lot in one sitting. There was so much going on that eating became a footnote in a way. I did have brick oven pizza, a few salads, steak and scallops (a birthday dinner with my dear friend Sherri -- me today and she tomorrow, btw, Happy Birthday, Sherri!), and then mostly finger foods that were served as part of the seminar stuff I was there for in the first place. In short, I wasn't really concerned about it, especially not with all the running around I was doing.

So, when I got home last night (my train was almost two hours late getting in, so C. was at the station picking me up at quarter to one in the morning!), I saw that the scale company had finally sent the replacement battery and that I could weigh this morning again. I had no idea what to expect, to be honest. Part of me felt that I must have lost something, and then part of me was fearful that I'd be back up to 320. It was real pleasure to see such a low number appear on the readout, as you can see above. In the past twelve days or so, I've lost about five and half pounds, which is great. We'll see how it goes tomorrow, today having been, ahem, my birthday and therefore an opportunity for pizza and movie popcorn (we're going to the drive-in movies later), and maybe some ice cream. Amazingly enough? I didn't go crazy on anything. I think my stomach is shrinking, no lie.

I alluded to the fact that it's my birthday today. It is! I'm now 38 years old and really, really happy and proud of all the things I am doing. I don't resent getting older at all and feel bad for people who do. Life is a learning process that I embrace, and I see the vitality of so many others who are around my age, totally living it up like rock stars, totally NOT the age their driver's license claims them to be. This is the way to live, on your own terms as much as possible, with as much reverence to the lives and bodies we are so generously given to care for however long we're on this earth. I am thankful for all the opportunities I've had, both given to me and created for myself. I am thankful for all those who inspire me in one way or another, or in many ways. I am thankful for each day I have to try, try again.

Still in it, I wanna win it

2008-06-01T06:55:00.000-07:00

Hi!

It's only been two days since my last post, so why does it feel like forever?

The no-weigh business still has me a bit discombobulated. I feel lost somehow.

I did take my measurements today. I don't see drastic differences when I measure, but my waist, my thighs, and my neck have shown the most change. I know the waist decrease is the best, since it's not good to have all that extra bulk around my innards, so I am happy about that. Also, my hips are now a full inch smaller than my measuring tape, hooray!

I did something crazy this morning. I guess I am sort of not really following the C25K plan anymore, though I did count this as my W9D2 run, which was supposed to be 30 minutes. Well, it was going so well and I felt so comfortable that I just kept going. I ended up running for 40 minutes total, plus seven minutes of warm-up and cool down. My whole outing took me just over 2.5 miles. Wow! It was AWESOME. And my knees are still with me, so far, so good.

My next run on Tuesday, I've decided, I'm going to go for the distance: 3.1 miles. I've already mapped out a route, and we'll see how it goes. Hopefully it'll take less than an hour, but I will take it on the easy side and just concentrate on getting the mileage done. I'm pretty excited.

As for my eating, well... I haven't been pristine. I've been pretty crappy and lazy about it, to tell the truth, not making the best choices overall. OK, really it was just yesterday that I ate so poorly, but it feels like forever. Especially after today's accomplishment, I'm fully into eating well until I leave for my NYC trip, and while I am there I will try to make healthy choices as much as I can, but I am not going to be overly stringent, either. I will have some free meals throughout that I want to take advantage of, so I will just do the best I can. Also? I am going to try a run or two while I am there, believe it or not! May as well. At the very least I'll take advantage of the workout room at the hotel. No, really. I am looking forward to that part!

Oh, I should also point out another facet of my achievement running today: I have my period, and I still did OK. I remember trying to do one of my earlier runs at that time of the month and how difficult it was... those were the days! Har.

I feel so powerful. Unfortunately, I am also a little stinky, so I think I will treat myself to a nice bath.

Have a great day!