Happy New Year!

I'm excited, are you?

I have a really good feeling about 2009. Really good.

I feel great today -- gorgeous, powerful, confident, content. It is a feeling that I am trying to savor and hold on to for the new year. And, trust me -- it has nothing to do with any number on a scale, or what size pants I am wearing. It's all me, baby, all from within. I don't know from where it came, but I hope it decides to stay a while.

Look for my new blog starting January 5th (that's a Monday, *groan*), over at

Ten Percent

Hope to see you there, and HAPPIEST OF NEW YEARS to you all!

xoxo Amy

Hey, y'all!

Wow, I sure went MIA there, didn't I? Like many folks I let the holidays get the best of me in more ways than one. In the first place, I am sort of a grinch when it comes to the holiday season. I usually don't get into it until it has passed, really. By then there's nowhere to go with it! Ha ha. So, mentally and emotionally I'm not in the best place this time of year in general, with this year being that much harder with the loss of my stepdad.

Regardless I managed to have an OK time, and even have plans for both new year's eve AND new year's day -- that never happens! The downside of all this is that my eating has been, frankly, terrible. Whatever reprieve I had a few weeks ago from making bad choices went out the window since. But, I am fully preparing for a fresh start in the new year, all set to go once January 5th hits! I am excited to start exercising again, and gaining control of what goes in my mouth. I've sort of been having a free-for-all lately.

I do feel pretty yucky physically, to be honest. I feel that I have let myself go, and I don't like the sensation. I don't like that the clothes are fitting tighter, that walking an expansive parking lot makes me out of breath again. I know it won't take long to fix myself up again, and I am glad I have my plans to do it.

I still haven't picked out a new blog title yet, but believe me -- you will know it. I hope all of you will decide to come follow me to my new spot on the internets as I make my way to the next goal.

Thanks to all of you this past year who have been so supportive and kind. Here's to a wonderful, fresh new year with all kinds of prospects!

It's a Good Thing.

Weight: 311.4
Total Weight loss: 38.6 pounds

I'm so happy with the results of the scale lately. My relationship with food also seems to be on the mend, too, after those couple free-for-all weeks I had. I haven't been tracking food, but being mindful of what I am eating. I'm seeking out more recipes to try, using good foods. It's not all, like, "lite" recipes and things, but recipes that include perhaps a lot of veggies and lots of care. I don't know. Trying to avoid JUNK, mostly. So, cereal for breakfast, still lots of citrus, a leftovers lunch (today, tomorrow, and maybe the next day: porcini mushroom and gorgonzola risotto), a meat/potatoes/veggies dinner. The evening snacking issue has seemed to be a less critical concern lately, too, just naturally.

Maybe sometimes when you let go, things even out if you are still determined to treat your body well. Maybe if all you are concerned about is dropping pounds it will never become natural, or good.

I don't know how long it will take me to figure this stuff out once and for all. Maybe a lifetime? But I am going to stick with it, even if it is in a more passive way.

Another Friday

Fear not, dear readers -- I will certainly let you know when and to where I will be taking my blogging come the new year. I will put the info in the final post here, as well as in the sidebar so you won't be able to miss it!

I am really looking forward to 2009. I have so many plans up my sleeve, and ideas about who and what I want to be. In the meantime, I am going to enjoy the rest of 2008 as much as possible, and treat myself as best as I can. It's all about love.

I had a special surprise when I got home from work last night -- dinner just about ready in the oven and a clean boyfriend all freshly showered! Ah, sometimes it is the little things that can really make your day. We had a lovely dinner of little baked chuck steaks and baked potatoes with steamed broccoli and a dash of cheese sauce. Good stuff!

There's a fun, busy, productive weekend ahead. I am thankful for so many things.

Going down, down, down, down

I was pleased to see that I am back down to 312-and-something today. Must be all the citrus I am eating lately -- I bought a box of oranges and grapefruit for a fundraiser from a co-worker last week!

I'm lucky to have so many smart readers here -- you all have such great ideas! My plan is to get back to the 310 area (or below, of course) and call The 40 Project about losing 40 pounds in a year. Then, on January 1st, I will start a new blog and new everything else -- FitDay or Sparkpeople, Physics Diet, maybe even a new scale. Yes, definitely a new scale. Now I just need to come up with a catchy title for the new blog, but I have some time. :)

Thanks to you all who are so awesome reading and commenting. I know I say it all the time, but it is true -- sometimes YOU are literally what keeps me going on any given day. It's YOU who makes it so I don't just give up altogether. You help me believe in me, and for that I am forever indebted.

xoxo

Fresh starts?

I can't even bring myself to report to you my weigh-ins lately. It's gotten pretty bad, to tell the truth. After an especially indulgent weekend (for no good reason, really), I really saw it on the scale. OK, basically I gained 6 pounds over the weekend, if you can believe it.

I'm down a pound today, which is good, but I am still just not feeling "into it" lately. I've got all kinds of crap floating around in my head that just complicates things (unrelated to food or anything), haven't been in the best mindspace overall.

I am still determined not to go back to where I started, though. Just so you know. I really am going to contain this. To be honest, I am looking forward to the new year and fresh beginnings. 2008 held many great accomplishments and good times for me, but I also experienced much loss and sadness. This morning, in fact, I found out that my cat Rose, who's been living with my mom for the past thirteen years, had to be put to sleep last night. She's been sick and had bladder cancer, so it's not a huge surprise, but it still hurts. And knowing that my mom is dealing with even more loss is especially upsetting. I know she is looking forward to saying goodbye to 2008.

I've been considering starting a new blog to replace this one in the new year, and to not renew my Daily Plate gold membership. I'm going to return to Fitday or sign up at Sparkpeople instead. Speaking of which, they had a link to a good, timely article in their e-newsletter today, which you can read here. It reminded me that no matter how things have ended this year, I have still lost at least 10% of my starting weight -- nothing to sneeze at, for sure. It's important to recognize any amount of success any of us have at this game, and this article was a great reminder of that.

In the meantime, I'm going to do the best I can to not gain more weight in the next few weeks, and maybe even get back down to good old 305 by the beginning of January, and go from there.

Thanks for hanging in there with me.

Still lucky, I guess...

Weight: 310
Total Weight loss: 40 pounds

No one is as surprised as I am about this week. I will cherish it always.

I think I can sense the almost-nothing-but-junk-food lifestyle getting old, actually. I've been more tired than usual, and I don't know... it's not THAT much fun eating crap all the time. Like anything else, you get sick of it eventually, don't you?

(Written as I just finished a second breakfast from Dunkin' Donuts -- when I wasn't even really hungry since I ate a nice bowl of cereal earlier! As Red Forman would say, "Dumbass!" It was one of those stupid impulse buys that I regretted pretty much the moment I left the store.)

It's early in the day, though, so I have plenty of time to make up for that somewhat.

Things are good, things are fine. I have plenty to look forward to.

Huh!

Weight: 310.4
Total Weight loss: 39.6 pounds

Man, if I was smart I would really make an effort today and get below 310 again.

It is really quite amazing that I am maintaining at 310 these past few days. But, maybe it makes some sense, because even though I am not eating "clean", I'm maybe still holding onto a few good habits. One, I still drink a lot of water. Two, I eat breakfast (though this week it's been a big bowl of Chex cereal and 2% milk rather than my usual yogurt and an apple). Three, I don't usually overeat while I am at work (one good thing about the 9 to 5 grind -- it's a good framework sometimes), so my daytime eating is mostly pretty OK.

So, at night I have dinner and have also been indulging in a big bowl of ice cream (back to a bad habit, just for a little while), but nothing else. It's not doing any damage, yet, but let's see how long that lasts. Maybe I will forgo the ice cream tonight, I don't know.

I just haven't decided in what direction the day will go. And that's OK. There's life to be lived!

xoxo most sincerely.

Back, begrudgingly?

Weight: 310.6
Total Weight loss: 39.4 pounds

Yesterday I weighed in at 310.2, so today was essentially a maintain. Either way, better than the 312 I started at on Monday.

Admittedly, I really haven't been trying very hard. Well, not really trying at all, to be honest. I don't know. It feels like the embers are burning low, but it could just be a temporary funk, too. I'm not writing myself off completely or anything... how did my 305 turn into 310, though? Now I'm happy to stay at or below 310?

For now, today at least, yes. Lately I have been feeling like eating whatever the heck I want, and I have been. I also have not been exercising. My month-long gym membership is quickly going to waste, and I am not sure I care. Though I have been craving a walk around the neighborhood, admittedly -- maybe even a jog. But the mornings are just not happening like they used to, since winter hit. It's nearly impossible for me to get out of bed when the alarm goes off, even if I have gotten a good eight hours (or more!) in.

I'm not expecting anyone to say anything yea or nay, I just wanted check in and it's turned into a little pity party. Well. Not really, I'm not doing any self-pitying. Just laying out the facts as they are now.

The funny thing is, I feel really good about myself lately, too. I might be fat, but I am not some schlub. On the contrary. I'm not sure where this is coming from.

I do know that I never want to be as heavy as I was, ever again. That was just plain uncomfortable. So I need to figure out striking a balance in this thing.

Stuff to think on.

Briefly...

Weight: 312
Total Weight loss: 38 pounds

OK, so... I'm not totally upset. On Thanksgiving morning, I weighed 308.4, so a total holiday weekend gain of less than 4 pounds is... doable, at least for me.

I mean, of course I am not thrilled, but considering all the indulging I did post-Thanksgiving, I'm surprised it's not worse. And I know what I need to do to fix it, so I am not too worried.

I haven't been to the gym in a week. I shall remedy that tomorrow, as I don't want it to be a waste of money on top of everything else. I would like to get in at least 4 days this week. My goal for the week will be to get comfortably under 310, as you have suggested. I can't believe now that in just over a month I will have my year anniversary for my weight loss efforts! It would be really nice to make that anniversary number a nice, round 50 pounds, wouldn't it? Then I can start working on the next 50, once and for all. 50 pounds a year is not so shabby, not at all.

Thanksgiving was really nice. The meal was wonderful (if I say so myself, since I cooked it!), the company equally so. It took me almost as long to recover from the holiday as it did to get ready for it -- boy, was I ever exhausted after the meal and the days after! I am kind of glad to be back in the old work routine for now.

Hope all is well with you. I am thankful for each and every one of you who reads and/or comments.

Urgh

We won't discuss weight today.

I mean, I know that is kind of the point of this blog in the first place, but... you know.

Well, first off, I didn't weigh myself this morning. Didn't go to the gym, either.

I was sick all weekend, after all. Plus, I didn't sleep especially well last night. I couldn't get warm no matter what I did.

You see where this is going?

*sigh*

I was back down to 306.2 at some point the past few days, and then back up to 309 yesterday. I know, I said I wasn't going to talk pounds. But that's where I stand.

I'm off from work until next Monday, which is great. I have lots of T-day prep to do, but I am also going to go to the gym at the very least tomorrow and the next day, first thing in the morning. I won't waste my month's due of $45, no sir. I also don't want to totally go off the deep end. Exercising will keep me in safe harbor.

This blog is getting to be like one of those annoying TV shows that started off really interesting and exciting for the first season, and then keeps drawing storylines out and repeating itself so much that you just don't care anymore. I apologize for that. The thing is, I just won't give up.

And there's no network who is going to cancel me.

Well, I will keep checking in over the holiday. Tell me how you are doing, why don't you?

Oh, and, if you are into art, craft, and design stuff, I have a new blog. Have a look!

Gobble.

Gym love

Weight: 308
Total Weight loss: 42 pounds

Looks like the weight is holding steady... I must have had a gain yesterday, is all I can think. But no matter. I am happy that it is below 310, and I feel great from my workouts at the gym. This morning's session was great. I had another 15 minutes on the bike (at a lower level so that I wasn't dying the whole time, but enough that I still sweat like crazy) and about 38 minutes on the treadmill. I even tried out some higher speeds this time, maintaining 3.7 mph for a couple minutes, doing 3.2 a few times. The rest of the time was an easy-going 2.5-2.8 mph, but still a very good workout, trust me -- I just kept trying to push myself a little more, go a little faster for longer, go a few more minutes, etc. And I pretty much had the whole place to myself most of the time, except for when my new pal Debbie was there getting her time on the treadmill before work.

My eating has been, I'd say, a 7 out of 10. I've been tracking for the most part, having good breakfasts and lunches, and doing my best for dinner and beyond. Last night I made some sauteed bay scallops (a nice break from our usual chicken) along with our old standby, roasted asparagus, as well as something new -- roasted acorn squash with thyme. Very scrumptious and satisfying!

I'm actually trying to fight off whatever's going around the past couple days... I've had a twinge of sore throat that came into full bloom last night, and some post-nasal drip. But, I simply cannot get sick with Thanksgiving just around the corner! I broke out the Zicam for my congestion last night, which also helped with the throat, and figure that all that sweating I've been doing should help, along with the copious amounts of green tea I am trying to drink. Plus a multivitamin. I just have to keep this at bay. Thanksgiving is my very favorite holiday... so keep your fingers crossed for me that I can get rid of it and ALSO that C. doesn't get it, either. We had a sick Thanksgiving one year and it was just awful.

Here's to good health and a nicely roasted turkey!

I'm a Gym Rat

Well, it's official: I'm a gym rat!

Ha ha, OK, maybe not. But I did do as I promised myself and went to the gym after work yesterday to sign up for a month and see how it goes. This morning before work I went and had my first gym session in, like, forever. And it was awesome! I loved it.

Like I said yesterday, this gym is totally no-frills and is probably geared more toward weight-lifting guys, but it has nice, basic cardio equipment: treadmills, steppers, and recumbent bikes. Plus, it was pretty empty when I was there this morning. And it's open 24 hours! The locker room is fine and has private shower stalls, yay.

Anyway, I worked out for just short of an hour this morning and I think it is safe to say that I got a much more thorough workout than when I go on my little walks. I started out with a 15-minute session on the bike to warm up -- heh, little did I know how much it would kick my ass! -- and finished off with about 35 minutes on the treadmill. Such a different experience from walking outside! I feel like it is much harder to control my form, but that may be just because I'm not used to having to keep my balance and stay on the machine -- I tend toward the clumsy, after all, it would be no surprise if I ever fell off one of those things! I took it fairly easy, staying the 2.8-3.2 mph range, with warm-up and cool-down at 2.5. I "ran" a good portion of that, as the woman next to was walking at 4.0! Ah well. I'll get faster with time.

I'm just so pleased about this. C. suggested that I just go ahead a buy my own treadmill and save some money, but I think I honestly like the whole thing of going to the gym, being able to use different machines. Not to mention that the gym has a better atmosphere than our dark little basement! When I signed up last night, the guy told me that they have a deal on an annual membership at the beginning of the year -- like half off -- so I may decide to invest in that, it would be about $20 a month. We'll see.

I ended up not weighing this morning, mainly because I was running a tad late and was hoping they would have a scale at the gym, but no dice. From now on I will be better prepared in the mornings and be sure to weigh before I leave, since I head to work directly after the gym.

I feel great! YES!

Hanging in There!

Weight: 308.4
Total Weight loss: 41.6 pounds

Truth be told, even though I showed a little gain this morning, I am relieved. Once I got home after yesterday's chocolate debacle, I just sort of gave up on the day. Not totally, but mostly. We had chicken salad sandwiches and potato chips for dinner, which would have been OK in itself (though not great, I know), but I continued to snack on the chips, made a bowl of popcorn, and ate some more chocolate. All that considered, I am more than happy with a half pound gain for the day. I didn't even exercise this morning!

I'm giving myself a pass because of my period. Lame, maybe, but I am. It's just really knocked me down yesterday, and I am still feeling crappy today. On top of that, it's finally really started getting cold, and we had the first snow of the season that has stuck. Even after over 8 hours of sleep, I just couldn't force myself out of bed and out for a walk. Just no way.

I made up for it, I think, by stopping by the little no-frills gym that's right on my way to work to see how much it costs and what the facilities are like. Nothing fancy, just your basic cardio and weight equipment, but NO contract and NO crowds. This way I could still get my cardio in, even do add some weight work to my routine, and not have to freeze or worry about slipping in the ice and snow. I was thinking I could just use the gym during the unbearable winter months (late November through mid March or so) and keep doing my outside routine, which I love, the rest of the year. I'll just have to rethink my morning routine, get up a little earlier maybe. I decided, I am going to start tomorrow! Exciting!

Today I have a nice salad fixed up for lunch, plus a Lean Cuisine meal. I'm not sure what the plan is for dinner, but I will have plenty of wiggle room calorie-wise. I want to get back in full gear again!

Oh, well!

Weight: 307.8
Total Weight loss: 42.2 pounds

So, a little bit of a rebound there. Yesterday I was at 306. It doesn't surprise me in the least, really -- it's now officially that time of the month, and I've got the bloat to prove it. Also, today was a rest day as far as exercise goes. I'm still mighty pleased to be well under where I stood one short week ago, though -- make no mistake about that! I only wish that I had remembered to take some Advil this morning, because let me tell you, chocolate makes a poor substitute for pain reliever!

I received a box of Russell Stover chocolates this morning at work from one of our authors, and made the mistake of opening the box after my nice, healthy lunch of black beans and fresh veggies. To say that I overindulged would be an understatement -- I literally ate half the box (ten pieces) before I snapped out of my cocoa stupor. That's 750 calories right there. Yikes! Note to self: always read the nutrition information label before you embark on a little binge. Ack. Well, I have gone ahead and tracked it with everything else, and try to do the best I can this evening with dinner.

It was kind of a rough weekend. Saturday I had plans to get a lot of stuff done but ended up getting into spats with C. most of the afternoon, mostly due to my admitted bitchiness. I just couldn't let go of anything, you know? Sunday I went to my mom's to accompany her to an old family friend's wake. My mom was good friends with her for over 20 years and had worked with her for about 10, and she had been our realtor when we bought the house last summer. So, especially after losing my stepdad so recently, this is a big blow to my mom. I am worried about her, but she seems to be holding up OK considering... you can imagine that Sunday was an emotional day, and I don't know. I'm hoping this week will be much better. I have a lot to do in the coming weeks between getting ready for my exhibition in February, and the holidays (I'm the Thanksgiving chef in our family).

I have high expectations this week. I'm looking forward to exercising again (REALLY hope the outside of my calves quit bothering me so much), and doing well with my eating and getting well into my "safe" zone. I'm just going to continue to do what I have been doing the past week, and hope for the best.

A GREAT Week!

Weight: 305.2
Total Weight loss: 44.8 pounds

All I can say is, holy cow. I stuck with it this week and lost 8 pounds since Monday! Talk about unusual and, well, fantastic!

I just want to say again that I didn't do anything unhealthy to achieve this. First, the weight I lost this week was also weight that had come on fairly quickly, too. Maybe I am totally off-base on this, but I really think "new" fat is easier to lose than "old" fat. Second, as I have said earlier this week, I simply ate within my limits -- which didn't mean that I had to deprive myself of much of anything, except gluttony. I still had satisfying meals and ate yummy food. I even had a few little chocolate every day. I just made sure to stay within or darn close to my daily caloric bounds. Third, I exercised for 30-60 minutes every day (except Monday) -- five days total. I went for my walk each morning and just focused on distance, not speed. I read somewhere recently that it's not how fast you go, it's how far you go. So that has been my goal. And I really stuck with it, feeling that it was absolutely key to my success this week (and hopefully next, and next...). Fourth, drank lots of water every single day, and finally: I reported to you here in this blog almost every day.

I am almost into my "safety" zone again, which is anything under 305 pounds (though preferably 303), and I am thrilled about that after feeling so despondent earlier in the week. I was so afraid that this was it, I was headed back into dangerous territory, never to be seen again. I just couldn't let that happen, not this time. Now, if anything, I have bought myself some cushion, but ultimately, I hope that this exercise in determination has brought me to the next leg of this journey, where I enter the 200s and stay there for a long while!

Momentum. I mentioned that word a few days ago, something I so desperately wanted to keep going. I had a great week, but there is no rest for the weary, is there? If I want to continue this success, I am going to have to keep doing what I have been doing. Sure, I won't lose eight pounds every week (and wouldn't want to), but I can keep myself headed in the right direction, bit by bit, until I reach my goal.

Supah!

Weight: 306.4
Total Weight loss: 43.6 pounds

Well. It's been a very, very good week for one that started off so pitiful. I was really able to get back on track in so many ways:

• Good eating habits!
• Good exercise habits!
• Making more art with my show in mind and adding some of it to my Etsy shop, Choci Art.

I'm almost back down to where I was a month ago, thank goodness. I feel confident that I can continue the momentum into next week and maybe even approach the 200s mark -- and stay there! I SO want out of the 300s already.

Though I will say one thing. I actually feel pretty good about myself and comfortable with my body, so that (god forbid) I should never lose or gain any more weight, I'd be kind of OK with that. Of course, I very much want to lose more weight for a variety of reasons, but just sayin'. It's nice to feel good in one's skin. I am proud of that, and when you see me walking around, I bet you can tell. No slouching and slinking around for this gal -- except when I am at my desk, then I am BAD about slouching.

Anyway. I am taking great pride in what I have been able to do this week. Yesterday, my walk was just about 2.75 miles long, and today's? 3.33 miles! I'd have kept going if I wasn't going to be very late for work. The walks have been vastly improving in the past few days, once I figured out that my body doesn't really warm up until after the first 20 minutes to half an hour. It's a bummer time-wise, but I don't mind too much. I'm out there doing it. And it feels AWESOME!

Momentum

Weight: 308.8
Total Weight loss: 41.2 pounds

Momentum: I want it to take over.

So far, so good this week, huh? I am continuing back down into more acceptable territory again, which is a relief. But I mustn't rest on my laurels here; this is a crucial moment. I've got to keep it up the rest of the week however I can.

But it still really hasn't been hard. The hardest thing is really just watching it when I get home in the evening. Don't overdo dinner, don't snack. I had gotten used to a bowl of popcorn every night, which really isn't bad in the big scheme of things, but when you add it all up... it's just too much and I am never eating it because I am hungry anyway. I'm trying to get in the mindset "If I am not hungry, I don't need it" along with my spending habits. Like, I wanted to get a new winter coat this season, but the reality is that the coats I have are just fine, and I should keep wearing them until a) they are comically too big or b) they are just too ratty. Same thing with shoes, and whatever else. "Do I really need it? No? Then I am not buying it." Tell that to the issue of Martha Stewart Living that somehow jumped into my grocery cart yesterday. ;)

I dropped more than 3 pounds in the past couple days not from anything other than eating within my limits, drinking lots of water, and keeping up with my exercise. This is what works, without fail, if I remain focused. It works!

I had a great walk for a change this morning. I never plan my routes or anything and I general do 30-35 minutes. Recently, my legs had been bothering me a lot even at the beginning of each workout. Today I decided to start off very easy and not push myself at all for the first five minutes (probably a good idea anyway). It seemed to work, because I suffered only the very slightest twinge of pain once or twice for the whole nearly 50 minute walk. I was on a roll, and just wanted to keep going. It felt good. I was even able to throw some running in there toward the end, about .75 miles' worth. My legs were fine, and so was my cardio -- I clearly haven't lost much, if any of the fitness I developed in recent months. Thankfully.

I'm really into it again! This is the second week that I've exercised consistently -- 4-5x a week, at least 30 minutes each day. It really is my saving grace, no matter what else I do in other areas for my health.

I'm back to my basic, brown bag breakfast: yogurt and an apple. I made some great soup over the weekend -- Pumpkin Black Bean -- that has been serving as my lunch, along with a chunk of homemade cheese bread and a hearty salad. Dinners have been reasonable, and I have been snacking much less. It's starting to feel natural again, and not an imposition. That's really the key, isn't it?

***

In other news, I am excited to have 3 sales in my Etsy shop this week! They're small sales, just a few zines, but I am still pretty thrilled. I'm adding more almost every day, so be sure to go have a look!

Ah, it's a good week indeed.

Quick update

Weight: 312 pounds
Total Weight loss: 38 pounds

Well, I am back down a teeny bit, and I will take that. Hopefully I can keep it going. I think now that however many times I need to write down a re-commitment, then I will: every day, if I have to. But I am not giving up.

I had a good food day yesterday, and today looks like it will be, too. I walked just over 1.75 miles this morning and that went well. I don't know.

I know there was some concern about my goal to get back down into my comfort zone again by Thanksgiving, but it is really not necessary. I know my body, and I know that it can gain weight really quickly, and if I take care of it right away, it comes off quickly, too. I've spent the last 10 months doing this and a lifetime of trying to right myself with my body. Honestly, just getting below 310 again will be a relief, but I KNOW I can get back down again with not a whole lot of effort -- yesterday wasn't painful at all; I simply ate within my limits, and didn't snack in the evening. It wasn't hard, I didn't feel like I was sacrificing anything. I'm doing it to GET somewhere, so it's OK.

This gain has happened in just the past two weeks. It hasn't settled yet. I'm going to get it.

Thanks, as always, all of you.

I think tomorrow will be a good day.

SOS

Weight: 313.2
Total Weight loss: 36.8 pounds

Oh, yikes.

I don't know what's up with me lately. I keep making these big declarations about how I need to get back on track, how I really want to lose more weight, how scared I am to be backsliding so much in the past month, yet it's not getting any better.

This really, really sucks. I want to say that I don't know what to do, even though I clearly do since I have done it before! I can blame it on PMS, or being depressed about my stepfather's death, but the reality is that I have been letting my compulsive overeating impulses take over again, full stop.

Look, I really don't want to have a repeat performance of so many times before. Especially the last time I lost weight. It's starting to become a mirror image of that, and I don't want that to happen! I want to be successful at this. I want to do good for myself.

The one saving grace in all this is that I have continued with my regular exercising, even though that has been a bit rough, too. On Saturday I went out for a very slow walk, slow only because my shins were really bothering me again. So frustrating to want to do one thing and have your body allow another. Yesterday we raked leaves for about a half hour, and I am feeling it this morning -- lots of muscles who have been neglected for too long! I took a break this morning from walking with the hopes that tomorrow's workout will be back to normal. I desperately need it to be. Another good habit I've been keeping up (at least on weekdays) is water intake -- I've been averaging 100 oz. a day, and I will continue that.

This morning I packed my lunch, some of the pumpkin black bean soup I made over the weekend, and a nice salad. I'm having tea and yogurt for breakfast. I'm going to track again this week and be brutally honest with myself.

So now my goal is simple: to get back down in my "safe" zone (between 300-305) by Thanksgiving, and stay there -- even after the holiday! That gives me 2-1/2 weeks to lose almost ten pounds, which I know sounds drastic, but given that the weight came on so quickly, I have a feeling it will come off quickly as well, assuming that I stick to plan diligently. That's what's been missing from my campaign: Diligence.

Thanks again for the continued, wonderful, supportive comments. Please, in the next couple weeks especially -- keep 'em coming! It helps so much to keep my head on straight and is a major reason why I am not crying about this. It's because you help me to continue to believe that I can do this, no matter how many setbacks I have.

Hard Times

Weight: 310.4
Total Weight loss: 39.6 pounds

Grrrr. I knew this would happen, so it's no surprise once again. Yesterday's eating was just totally in the toilet... BUT I figured out that yes indeed, the PMS monster is in effect which explains part of my problem as far as wanting to eat the whole universe.

I just feel like a big YUCK! Blech. Last night I had some wicked heartburn for the first time in a long time (that's my body trying to tell me something!), and just felt tired and mopey. I went to bed very early and still had a hard time getting out of bed this morning. I debated since last night whether to walk/run/whatever (I should just call my morning exercise WRW from now on) this morning, up until the very last minute. And then I was like, "You know, one of your goals this week was to exercise every day. Since everything else has been so bad, you may as well make good on this one thing, right?" Right, so I did. Once again, my legs felt heavy. It was all kinds of stuff: my left ankle kind of bothered me, my right knee was twinging, I REALLY had to go to the bathroom -- the bad kind (uh-oh!). One thing I did have going for me was my cardiovascular. Overall, I still have that -- I am never totally gasping for breath or feel like I am going to die. Just my legs give me trouble if anything these days.

I know it is probably because of all the extra weight I carry, which makes it so much extra crucial that I start losing weight again. Because I (don't laugh) truly enjoy my morning exercise and wish I could get more done in a shorter amount of time -- it's so frustrating. Well, today it was just over two miles in just under 45 minutes -- SO slow! I'm not sure what happened there, but I am just going to keep getting out there each day; things are bound to improve again.

Of course, this week's poor performance could have everything to do with PMS, too. Really. It's happened before, where exercise has been nearly impossible during that time due to fatigue, so maybe this is actually an improvement. I guess time will tell.

Anyway... I know I sound like a broken record, and it probably doesn't seem like I am very sincere based on my results, but: I am NOT giving up, dammit!

Just not.

Obama: Epic Victory. Me: Epic Fail.

Weight: 308.8
Total Weight loss: 41.2 pounds

*sigh* I am SO happy about the election results. I cried with joy when I realized that Obama won enough electoral votes, and cried again when I saw his speech. What a night that was! Sadly, on the other hand, I used it as an excuse to overindulge. I don't know why, really. So, yesterday, the scale was cruel, showing at just over 310 pounds, grr! I'm back down today, as you can see, so that is good, but still. Grr.

I stayed up late on election night so I wasn't able to drag myself out of bed early enough to get a run in yesterday morning, but today I was back out with bells on. Kind of. I made the mistake of starting off running, mainly because my across the street neighbor was out walking his dog and I talked to him for a moment, but didn't want him to feel obligated to continue the conversation for long, so I excused myself and off I went prancing long enough to get out of view. It did me in, not only running without a warmup but also going faster than I normally do and heading up an incline. Ouch. So the first 20 minutes of my walk/run/whatever was sad and bleak. My shins were hurting, and I wasn't sure I'd make it to 20 minutes, much less beyond that. Fortunately, just about at that point things started loosening up and feeling normal, so I was able to run the last half mile comfortably, and get in a total of 35 minutes of exercise. Phew! It did feel good in the end, so I am glad I stuck with it.

My eating has been, quite simply, atrocious today. Maybe it is getting toward PMS time because I just feel like I want to eat everything in sight, and kind of have been, making poor choices to boot. We'll probably have a non-dangerous stir-fry for dinner, so that'll be OK, but man! What a crappy day otherwise.

Well, those are going to happen, aren't they? Truth be told, I am just pleased to not be over 310. I really don't want to go there, no sir.

***

So, it seems like quite a few of you are new readers and/or coming out of the woodwork to offer me encouraging words, which is fantastic. I'm glad that you're enjoying this blog, and hope that you will continue to stick with me through thick and thin!

***

One last piece of news is that my little Etsy shop is pretty well stocked for now, so go check it out, and spread the word to those who enjoy fine art and/or zines. I think I have some interesting and cool stuff to offer, if I say so myself.

Here's to another good day, maybe tomorrow? Definitely.

HYC Check-In: Victory Run for Obama

Weight: 307.4
Total Weight loss: 42.6 pounds

I am not normally one to wear my political stripes on my sleeve (well, people'd probably guess that I am very liberal, anyway), but I just want to say: Go Obama! What an important election this is. I will say, too: Go vote! I don't care who you vote for, just go and cast your ballot. It's your right and obligation as a citizen of our country -- and the more people vote, the truer a democracy our country is.

VOTE VOTE VOTE!

My polling place is just a five-minute walk away at the local elementary school, so I walked there at around 6:30am, waited ten minutes to cast my vote, and continued on. I did a walk/run, probably a good, even split. I tried to run as much as possible, telling myself that it was my Victory Run for Barack Obama. It worked -- really kept me motivated to keep going. I don't have my stats for today's workout since I ended up chatting with a lady way up on the "dinner" side of my street, but I know I got at least a half hour of exercise in total this morning. I sweated a lot, it felt good. And it was actually quite warm out, in the 50s -- I ended up taking my hoodie off and wrapping around my waist.

I'm happy to see the scale reading heading south again, but it is starting to feel like I am never going to see below 305 again. So frustrating! I know I can make it happen, but I am getting impatient. I had hoped to be back in that neighborhood by the end of last week! And to think that months ago I though I'd have a chance to make it down to 250 by Thanksgiving! Little did I know. Oh well, it's not a race and I am still pleased that I managed to lose 50 pounds during the year. Who knows, maybe by January (my one year anniversary) I will have lost even more, we'll see.

I'll just say it one last time, in closing: VOTE!!! :)

Shameless Self-Promotion

Since this blog was originally about fat and money, it's not entirely off-base that I added a little button on my sidebar that will whisk you away to my Etsy shop. I'm still working on getting my finances in order, and one way to help things along is to get going on selling some of my artwork like I always mean to do!

So, in shameless self-promotion, I urge you to take a gander at my shop, which will include original fine art, zines, handmade books, and who knows what else down the line. I'll have items at every price point, and will be adding new items regularly, so check back often!

(Also, making stuff sure does take my mind off of snacking! Support your local blogger-eater-artist!)

Brand New Day

Weight: 308.4
Total Weight loss: 41.6 pounds

I had a great weekend overall, just in general as well as food-wise. Yesterday I weighed in at 306.8, so I was disappointed with this morning's weigh-in. However, it is still pretty close to where I left off on Friday, so I guess I should be happy that I made it through the weekend without totally ruining my last week's efforts. And besides, who knows how good it might be tomorrow, right? No fretting over daily weighs on this blog. That's not the point of a daily weigh, anyhow.

I am happy to say that I got 35 minutes of walking in this morning, in the rain, no less. Go me! I grabbed my umbrella and just did it. My pace has slowed considerably in the past week for some reason, but I am hoping to speed it up just a week bit... I am not focused so much on that as much as just getting out to do something, but it is nice to have determinate goals. No more walking in the dark, though this morning was darker than it might have been, with gloom and drizzle. Still, the rest of the week is supposed to be temperate, and I will enjoy it while I can! I do plan to continue my outings throughout the winter, so I am preparing myself for cold and snow. At least I have some experience with that, having started back in March.

Hey, I am wearing an XL shirt from Target today! It is from the group of clothes I bought on clearance a few months ago; this cute shirt cost just $9.00. I cheated a little, I admit... I did have to sort of the yank the arm holes open more because of my extra large armsies, otherwise the shirt fits perfectly! I love it, such a cute, modern pattern, and the detail at the neckline is lovely... see?



All things considered, I feel strong and healthy today, and look forward to a really great week on plan. This week's goals include:

• Blogging every day (I think this has really, really helped)
• Walking or running every day
• Tracking food every day
• Eating a few servings of fruits and vegetables every day
• Limiting the amount of processed foods I eat
• Doing the best I can to deal with evening snacking
• Stay within daily caloric limits whenever possible!

Totally doable, what do you think?

Doing OK

Weight: 308
Total Weight loss: 42 pounds

Well, it's a step in the right direction, but I am still a little, like, ugh.

I had a good day overall yesterday, though I did go over allotment by about 150 calories, nothing to be upset over. Dinner consisted of pan-fried tilapia, roasted brussels sprouts with sweet potatoes, and a nice salad. I gave C. some candy for Halloween, but only had a handful of Whoppers -- that's where the excess cals came from. I got home a little later than usual and so we ate a little later, which meant that it was easy to not worry about snacking.

It's funny, we've got candy galore, but I'm not worried about it at all.

I did some more thinking about the bulk eating issue. It's also tied to the secret eating I still sometimes do. When I'm eating in secret or just on my own, maybe part of it is the potential for getting caught, or knowing that I only have a certain amount of time? So during that time I would try to eat as much as I can. It's such a weird thing and probably very difficult to understand unless you've experienced it. I'm trying to figure out what my triggers are, because many times I can eat like a "normal" person and feel really good about it -- in fact, it had become normal for me there for a while, and I didn't really have to think about it much, if at all. I guess if I knew what enabled me to enter that mental state, my problems would be over. Maybe someday it will become clear.

In the meantime, I just have to keep on keeping on, learning from mistakes, accepting my flaws, celebrating my successes, and most important: loving myself in the NOW and not just waiting until I am thinner and more "worthy". That's a mistake I think a lot of people make -- they can't love themselves as they are. It's taken me years to feel that way, but I can say now that I honestly do love myself no matter what.

What good have I done in the past few days?

• Been more mindful of my food choices
• Drank 80 oz. of water each day
• Exercised consistently
• Got back to more whole foods in my diet
• Learned something from each misstep
• Started blogging regularly again!

It may not show on the scale, but overall I'd say I've had a good week. I'm proud of what I have been able to do.

Rats.

Weight: 309.4
Total Weight loss: 40.6 pounds

Ah well. Last night was a bust. A total bust. I was all ready to have some leftover chili for dinner when I let myself be talked into Pizza Hut instead. I'm not placing the blame on anyone but myself, but I did tell C. this morning amid tears that I really need him NOT to do that to me again, that is ask if I want to get take-out when he knows I am trying to eat right.

Because, like, even getting Pizza Hut could have worked just fine into plan, that's the irony! I had plenty of calories left to work with and I would have been able to eat half the large pizza I got (eh, coupon special, I know). But no. Yes, you're reading this right: I ate a whole large pizza last night by myself. Full disclosure and honesty is what you get in this blog. And there it is. Even after my cheer session, I still found it in myself to blow it with a large Veggie Lover's Pan Pizza.

I'm feeling better now after having a little break down this morning, crying and saying how sick I am of being fat and how ridiculous it was, what I did last night. Look, no beating myself up, I'm back on track today and have made it very clear at home that I am eating healthfully for at least the next few days. Considering what I ate, the gain could have been much worse, and I really could have just totally given up everything and continued on my path to ruin.

But things are fine. This is never a perfect process, and I will never be perfect, and that's OK as long as I always pick myself up and keep trying.

Seriously, though? I'm not sure how I actually fit a whole large pizza in my tummy. I was actually more than satisfied after half the pizza (which would have kept me within my day's allotment, believe it or not), but just kept eating. I was feeling anxious, I guess; I didn't want to have leftovers; I don't know. I guess it never crossed my mind that I could have frozen the leftovers or even just thrown them out! Food and eating anxiety is an odd thing.

Not to mention, in another fit of honesty, that look: I like to eat in bulk. It sounds disgusting, it IS disgusting, but if all things were equal, I would eat and eat and eat. Even though it makes me feel crappy afterward and in general when done on a regular basis. I don't know what void I am looking to fill -- that is something I could hash out with a therapist, I guess -- but I like me some nom nom nom.

It's impossible to expect that someone can effectively deal with and solve this kind of problem in a matter of months, I suppose, especially when said person has had this problem for most of her life. I should really invest in figuring out what the underlying problem is, don't you think?

***

Today I had a fine eating day and have plans for a good evening. This morning I got out and walked for just over 30 minutes despite freezing temps and a pair of legs that felt like lead, along with the same shin and instep pain I had yesterday. I ended up going at a pace almost as slow as when I started the C25K program back in March, that's how bad it was. Safe to say that tomorrow will likely be a rest day, and I will try again on Saturday.

The important thing about all this stuff is that I am not giving up. In fact, right now at this moment I barely feel discouraged. I know that even when I make mistakes, I am doing other positive things at the same time. I know that with lots of practice, I am going to finally GET it.

Rah! Rah!

Go TEAM 2008!

Heh. I am giving myself a little pep cheer shortly before I head off home for the evening and face the challenge of dinner and evening snacking.

To self:

What you're doing? It's too important to keep messing up for dumb reasons. This is REALLY important. Stop screwing up and having to start over again the next day. A little consistency would be nice, love. Eat when you are hungry and don't eat when you're not. Honor your body as a vessel and don't denounce it as a cage.

Above all, love yourself and the people who love you.

Have a great evening. You'll be great, I just know it!

Love,

Me

One Step Forward, One Step Back

Weight: 308.0
Total Weight loss: 42 pounds

Well, this morning's weigh-in wasn't much of a surprise. I ate well all day yesterday and then made the mistake of waiting too long to eat dinner, which by the time was ready to eat, I was starving. We're good cooks, so the food was very tasty, and I just totally overindulged.

The good news is that we made a stir-fry; however instead of the much more healthy "regular" chicken and veggie one we make, we chose our infamous Peanut Butter Chicken, which, as you can imagine is much higher in calories and everything else. The bad news is that I started out with good intentions and just caved the more I ate. We also had one egg roll a piece (not really necessary in retrospect), and to top it off, I had post-dinner snacks of a leftover biscuit (totally not worth it) and a bowl of popcorn (always good, but I wasn't hungry and definitely didn't need to eat it).

Well, lesson learned. I can't let myself get too hungry, else I am more likely to overeat. The Peanut Butter Chicken could have totally fit in to my plan, but I just ate too much of it. Way too much.

Some real good news is that this morning I went out for another walk even though the weather was the same as yesterday, only even colder. I laid there in bed debating whether to go out, and decided that if I had a dog I wouldn't have a choice -- I would have to take it out for a walk! Surely I myself am as worthy of braving not-so-great weather to get some exercise in, yes? So that's what worked for me this morning. I did a mile and a half of walking interspersed with one-minute bursts of running. I felt really sluggish, though; my insteps and shins were bothering me for most of the walk for some reason. But, I'm glad I got out there and did it regardless. Tomorrow the temperature is supposed to be a little warmer, so getting up and out should be a little easier. Not to mention that starting next week it should be easier, too, with the time change it will get lighter earlier! Being out there in the dark is sort of a bummer -- the whole time I can't help but think about horror movies and serial killers, you know?

Well, today's another day and I got a good start. It feels great to be more active, and to be getting into "gazelle" mode again (yet another Dave Ramsey term -- where you get so intense about achieving a goal, you're gazelle intense!). I just really have to watch out in the evening. A way I have figured out how to solve this is getting away from the TV so much, addiction to That 70s Show reruns be damned. Lately I have been thinking, "Well, the house is pretty tidy, and I don't have anything else that I really have to do right now, so... I guess I will sit on my ass and watch TV all night, as usual!" Ugh. That's got to stop. There are actually all sorts of things I can be doing with that time that would also prevent these evening snack attacks. Stuff like:

• Listing the books I have for sale on Amazon.com
• Going through my CDs and deciding what I don't want anymore, and list those, too
• Make art for my upcoming show in February
• Organize my office
• Sort through all my crafting supplies and decide what stays and what goes
• Strip and refinish that bookcase I garbage picked
• Sort through junk in the basement and clean it out
• Give a good cleaning to all the wood in the house -- floors, trim, doors, etc. (we have an Arts & Crafts bungalow, and it has beautiful original wood all throughout)
• Work on my personal finance plans

See, all kinds of stuff I can do with that time I waste in front of the TV. It'll be good to have this list to refer to when I think I have "nothing to do".

Onward and upward! I remain positive.

Life Goals

Way back in February I wrote in my LiveJournal about the importance of writing down your life goals, after having read something about that subject over at Millionaire Mommy Next Door. If you recall from when I first started this blog, I also had plans to overhaul my finances along with my eating habits, but the eating ended up taking precedence. One of the things she talks about is sharply defining your goals and your values: what it is you want, and what really matters to you. I've really only scraped the surface over there, but it got me thinking thoughts that I wanted to note for future reference. (So I said back in February.)

Anyway, I found these goals interesting to read. They are all still things I hope to achieve one day soon (though some will no doubt happen somewhere a ways down the line), and it was good to be reminded of them. I think everyone should have a list like this.

Without further adieu, here is my Life Goal List, with today's annotations in italics.

1. I want to catch up on all the recurring household bills and always pay them on time from now on (I still very much want to do this, but it hasn't happened yet -- I think I am getting close, though!)

2. Same for debts I have incurred (Ditto on this, though there has been progress; I've been studying Dave Ramsey)

3. I want to be able to be at home more often (This is something I am going to pursue at my annual review at work -- negotiating working at home a couple days a week)

4. I want to be free to travel (I'm not even sure how I could make this happen anymore, but it's definitely something that is still on my mind a lot)

5. I want to accumulate and always have on hand at least $10,000 as a cushion (Baby steps first, though! I'll start with $1,000 and work my way up)

6. I'd like to have more time to spend with family and friends (Also tied to money issues... if I have enough money saved, I wouldn't have to work as much...)

7. I want to be rid of extraneous crap in my life, and in this I am thinking about hobbies I enjoy but aren't worth the time and expense to me (Blythe dolls, I am looking at you!) (I have been working on this. I still have quite a lot to liberate myself from; it's just making the time to do it)

8. I don't want to live paycheck to paycheck anymore (Again, the money. I'm getting there.)

9. I want to focus on my art as my main pastime/hobby/vocation/whatever you want to call it (I go back and forth on this thought. It depends on the day, but yes, it would be pretty awesome to make my living as an artist above anything else)

10. I want to invest in other artists (I LOVE buying art, and do buy small, inexpensive pieces from time to time. I'd love to be able to really indulge in supporting my fellow artists someday, though!)

Obviously I still have a lot of work to do, but I think all of these goals are totally attainable within a few years if I focus hard enough and make the effort. Just like my weight loss and healthy lifestyle.

HYC Check-In: Getting back on track

Weight: 306.2
Total Weight loss: 43.8 pounds

Now this is more like it! Granted, still above my self-imposed 305/303 threshold, but a big step in the right direction. My body has clearly responded well to a day of good eating and this morning's exercise. What a relief.

For dinner yesterday I stayed true to plan. My boyfriend was making southern fried chicken (he's from Tennessee) and having biscuits and macaroni and cheese. I wanted to stay on plan and had plenty of calories left for one piece of chicken (boneless breast) and one biscuit; I skipped the mac and cheese and had salad instead. For dessert? A delicious Empire apple! Wow.

I'm not going to say that it was easy. There was a battle going on in my head all evening, and I felt a palpable anxiety over what I wanted to snack on. I kept telling myself, "You know that you aren't hungry. You just got used to a bad habit again, and now you're suffering withdrawal, is all. Ride it out and just don't worry about eating, because you're not going to anymore for tonight."

It was hard, but it worked.

This morning I was a trooper and got up a little early to get out for a walk. I say I was a trooper because the weather hasn't been the nicest lately -- very gloomy, rainy, and windy. We had a cold front coming through so it was about 40 degrees out, and the wind was whistling. On top of that, it was still dark outside, so it was kind of creepy overall. I got used to it, though, and did about half running and half walking for a half hour -- just over a mile and a half total. Not my fastest ever, granted, but at this point in time I am mainly interested in getting my body up and moving consistently than setting any records, personal or otherwise. I am happy to say that since Friday, I've been out every other day to exercise, which is what I am aiming for this week. I will keep it up, maybe even exceed that. We'll see.

So one day of concentrated effort really changed my outlook and think it is totally possible to get back down below 303 by the end of the week. And, I tell you: I'm going to keep going this time and not let the landmark 300 get to me mentally.

Thanks for your awesome, supportive comments these past few days -- they mean the world to me and help make what I am doing possible.

3:11pm Update

I have almost made it through the work portion of the day feeling good about losing some more weight and making the effort to eat more healthfully again. I am really conscious of my mind set and doing a lot of talking to myself. A time like this really benefits from dedicating one's self to taking one day at a time. Well, today I am breaking it up into two portions: work and home. Work is relatively easy to deal with as far as eating the way I really want to eat: I don't like leaving the office for lunch, so whatever I bring with me can dictate what I eat throughout the day. Today I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast, and for lunch one of my favorite starving college student meals: black beans right out of the can and into a bowl of rice, heated together. I didn't even add jarred jalapenos -- just straight. That's how I ate it back then, and it is still good and still filling at under 500 calories. I had a lowfat yogurt for dessert. Eating this way again feels good.

The real test will be at home. I'll be fine for dinner with plans of chicken, salad, and a veggie, but the evening will be telling. I think we are finally out of nasty snacks and I will probably spend most of the night in the basement making some art, but I am still steeling myself for possible slip-ups. I feel that today and tonight are really important as far as how well I can do the rest of the week. It will really set the tone, and I want to do well. I want to see anything below 310 on the scale tomorrow.

Anyway, I wanted to get this out there on the page. I wanted these feelings documented. I want to get back on track more than a lot of things right now. I gotta do good for myself.

Godspeed this evening! Will report tomorrow with results and a report.

Yikes

Weight: 310
Total Weight loss: 40 pounds

Wow. This is really disappointing and scary! How can I do this to myself?

OK, I'm not crying about this and I am not beating myself up over it either. This isn't the result of taking baby steps and not seeing positive changes. No. This is the result of bad eating habit: too much of the wrong things. I need to start eating just the right amount of the right things instead. Today, I decided. I'm going to look back at all the things I was doing when I was having good results, and do them again. This includes things like tracking my food intake at The Daily Plate, entering my weight every day at Physics Diet (I have been doing that, actually, but I also want to start entering my daily calorie intake there again, too), and getting in some form of exercise at least three days a week. I'm going back to measuring food amounts more diligently instead of just guesstimating. All of it. I have to, because look how easy it is to go back to where I started almost a year ago! It takes a matter of days to slide back. And I just can't do that to myself again. Not to mention, I have clothes waiting for me on the "other" side -- I've got all my dark side clothes packed and ready to be sold and/or donated.

None of this has been easy, but a time like this is really when my mettle is tested. If I can bring myself away from this dark place now, I will be OK.

And I WILL be OK. I will.

Positive thoughts and vibes would be greatly appreciated. I want to get this 10 pounds off as quickly as possible, and your support will make it that much easier.

Love to all!

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

The Good: After over two weeks of relative inactivity, I got up very early and took a run by the moonlight and stars. I managed to run for 32 minutes and covered 1.78 miles. In addition to that I had five-minute warm-up and cool-down walking sessions. Overall, I covered almost two and a quarter miles, and it felt really good! So nice to challenge myself again and have my body come through for me even though I have been treating it like crap lately.

The Bad: The past few days I have been hovering just above my threshold weight of 305. This morning, even after the run, I weighed in a 307.8, a number I haven't seen in months. I was pretty horrified. What if I hadn't run this morning, then what? Eesh.

The Ugly: I've been eating like crap lately, falling almost entirely back into my old habits. I sure can feel the difference in my energy level, and just my overall feeling. In short, it sucks. I don't like feeling this way at all, and I don't like seeing the number on scale increasing like that, especially after maintaining for a couple months! Time to nip this thing once and for all.

I suppose I could make all sorts of sweeping changes and proclamations, but you know what? That hasn't worked for me so far, so I am not going to do it now. I don't honestly know how I am going to handle this situation exactly, but I am going to take action before the gain gets out of hand. Running this morning was a good start, and I am going to be very busy making art this weekend, so I won't have much time for sitting on my ass in front of the TV munching out on whatever I have made handy for myself. At the very least, I need to break the habit I rebuilt of evening indulgence -- crap I really don't need to eat every night like big bowls of ice cream (why did I even buy it?). Mind you, I am not demonizing ice cream, merely my inability to keep a half gallon in the house at this point in time. It just makes it too easy to veer off track. Who needs it?

Fortunately, my body is craving vegetables, believe it or not. I bought some salad fixings for tonight's dinner, and last night we enjoyed yet another new stir fry. Plus, with the economy the way it is, who can afford to fill themselves with junk?

*sigh* I'm just still not ready to give up. I have so much work still to do, and I am going to get there eventually, however long it takes!

*sigh*

This blog is getting repetitive and probably not very interesting. Every time I check in with you (if there is still anyone out there, that is), I've nothing new to say except Still hanging in there! Still maintaining!. Today is no exception, I am afraid. I still remain at or under the 303 threshold, which is great, right?

*sigh* Right. I guess.

I am trying to figure out how to get my zing back. I suppose tracking my eating again might do it, or what if I started over with the Couch to 5K plan, just to take baby steps? I can still run a good 20 minutes at a stretch, but why not try something easy that will ensure that I get back out there again regularly? Perhaps I will even improve my running by doing so, even. It's a thought.

I was very happy this morning to try on one of the last pairs of jeans I bought (a size 24, no big deal, but they were always a squee bit tight on me, at least compared to my other pants), and find that they fit me perfectly. For some reason I had it in my head that I wouldn't be able to wear them, which doesn't really make any sense since I haven't put on any extra weight since I first bought them. But you know how the psyche can be, sometimes a little cruel and with rather low expectations.

You know what I would really like? To lose some more weight! I really, really would. I want to see what I will look like with another 10, 20, 50 pounds off me. I want to see how I feel, for that matter.

Lately I've been tired all the time and while I am sure I can attribute some of it to my inability to sleep all the way through a night (thanks, cats! Not!), I think that a lot of it is that I have not been nearly as active as I used to be, and it's taking its toll. That's no good.

Hm. Maybe starting tomorrow I will start C25K again, do it every other day straight through. I'll be all like, "Pfft! This is EASY!" but it will be really interesting to see how fast I can run in those very short intervals.

We'll see! I also dedicate myself to tracking food intake for the rest of the week, no matter what.

Hope all is well with you.

STILL HERE

Yes, that's in ALL CAPS.

I am still here, though it may not seem like it.

I am still maintaining, and last week Thursday I did dip below 300, even! I have remained below the 305 threshold this entire time, and mostly below the 303 threshold... just the past few days have I been playing with 304, which I think is lady-related, if you catch my drift. Because it can't have anything to do with that cheap-o half gallon of ice cream I bought at the beginning of the week that I have been gradually polishing off, no sir! ;)

Note to self: It's still not a good idea to have a large container of ice cream in the house, apparently.

Aside from that, things are things. They're fine. I'm getting out every so often to move my ass around. The other day I managed a pretty decent short run, which was surprising and pleasing. I haven't lost my fight, no way.

Anyhow, just wanted to poke my head in the door and say, "Hi! Thinking of you!"

Two days in a row

Hooray!

Despite loathing the idea of leaving a very cuddly bed this morning (with an affectionate grey long-haired kitty, and C. of course), I got up at 6:30 and threw my gear on and headed out the door for a good walk. On the program, today is labeled a "rest or walk" day, so I just decided to do... whatever. Actually, shortly after starting, I figured I would try for a 40 minute brisk walk. In the end, I came up with 43 minutes and 2.32 miles. Nothing super-fast or PR-breaking, but a pretty good workout in which I ran just a quarter mile.

After last night's munch fest -- well, I wasn't too bad, just half a bag of marshmallows (ugh, I know, gross!), I was expecting to see at least a slight gain, but fortunately I stayed exactly the same as yesterday, which I was very pleased with. I'm also very happy to see the moving average at Physics Diet heading downward once more, and in the green!

My goal for today is fairly simple, and will be easy to implement: I want to do no snacking after dinner. I say that it will be easy to do because I have my dad and stepmom coming in from out of town tomorrow afternoon, and have a bit of tidying to do. If anything, I will be burning a bunch of extra energy units! ;) I'm really hoping that this will put me under 300 again, and maybe even for good. Yes.

Ah, wearing size 22 dress pants today, very nice! They are snug, but not obscene or unseemly... at least I hope not! ;) Fresh out of the wash, too. Now that's progress.

HYC Check-In: Back in the Game

Weight: 301.8
Total Weight loss: 48.2

I am happy to say that I started my exercise regimen again this morning -- in the dark, even! After writing yesterday's entry, I was truly inspired to motivate myself to JUST DO IT already. At some point one gets tired of sounding like a broken record or a lameass who is always saying that she will do x or y someday, but never does. So now, I no longer qualify as either one. Major points for myself, I'm not proud.

I decided to pick up again not with a running program, but with good old Hal Higdon's 10k walking program instead, giving myself the option of sprinkling each outing liberally with at-will periods of running. This morning prescribed a 30-minute walk, which I did. I managed to cover 1.72 miles, which is about a 17.25 mile pace. Not too shabby considering that I haven't been out in almost three weeks! I am so happy that I didn't lose all my fitness. If I keep it up, I'll be ahead of where I left off in no time.

The result on the scale this morning was also pleasing, and I really hope that I can get myself in the 200s again by the end of the week. My dad and stepmom will be visiting this weekend starting on Thursday, but I am sure I can still fit my regimen in.

The thing I really like about having taken a break from severe regulation is taking the focus off food in a negative way. Like, I have found that I can eat without having to count every calorie, or fret over it at all. Yes, I am mindful of what goes in my mouth, but it is no longer stressful or a big pain in the ass. I feel confident that I will continue to lose while eating like a "normal" person, that is, not doing the things I was just talking about. For me, this is key. Knowing that I can eat this way and not put on tons of weight this summer was practically a miracle. But now I know it really can be done.

I'm excited!

Staying Accountable

Sorry -- it's like every entry these days reads the same. Still maintaining, not exercising again yet. I have, however, set a new maintain goal. Instead of my threshold being 305 (which I have not hit yet), I'm lowering it to 303. Baby step, to be sure, but something. Honestly, I still desperately want my threshold to be 299 but I really haven't had it in me to get back down that far again. It's so close and easily attainable, though! Seriously -- all I would have to do is really watch the food for a couple days and go on my morning jaunts, and BAM! That'd be all she wrote. Hm.

It's really true, too. It'd be just that easy.

I'm doing fine, still kind of achey all over for no good reason, but I did get some things accomplished over the weekend. I found another pair of pants I can wear that were among a big mess of clothes in the basement, and threw them in the wash. I am still proud of being able to keep off the weight I've lost so far -- believe me, I can gain so much weight so quickly that this is a real, true HUGE accomplishment. I am much relishing in it, even after over a month of staying at around the same weight, weighing myself every single day. Since July 23rd, there were just two days that I weighed in at (just) over 305 pounds.

What, a plateau that I am happy with?

I am still eating more crap than I really should lately, but I am also having these automatic conversations in my head about how much I need to sate a craving, or whether eating a snack at 9pm is prudent... often times I end up making the better choice, and it's not difficult or regretful, which is a very new sensation to me. It feels real, as opposed to put on. I think I made it and don't really have to fake it anymore!

No doubt I will get back to more regular posting again soon. The cool weather approaches (yay!) and I will need something to do to keep me occupied, right?

Still here!

Just wanted to do a quick check with y'all. I am still around, though I have been slightly removed from blogging and reading blogs (um, duh). I am still successfully maintaining, which I am very happy about -- this week my weight was between 301 and 304 at all times.

I still need to get back into some regular exercise. I've been in a bit of a funk and have some weird pain issues with my upper body (neck, shoulders, upper arms and back) since Monday... I am guessing stress is a factor there, but I don't really know. Yes, I also bet some exercise would help, I know... ;)

Anyway, hope all is well with everyone. I expect to be back to my regular self shortly.

HYC Check-In: Still Under Limit

Weight: 304
Total Weight loss: 46 pounds

OK, this is much better than I thought, weigh-in this morning. As I stepped on the scale, I was like, "Ugh... probably like 307... be prepared to deal!", so it was no small thrill to see that I am still under 305, my threshold weight over which I must not step.

Today has the potential to be a good one. I started off pretty well with breakfast, just one of my usual from McDonald's: a Fruit n' Yogurt Parfait and an Egg McMuffin with no meat. Lots of protein, this meal keeps me satisfied well into the afternoon. I'm drinking my usual water (it's very rare that I drink anything but water at work), and need to figure out what to have for lunch and maybe even think about dinner.

One thing I really need to do in the near future is start planning meals and grocery shopping. It's a good idea for two reasons. One, planned meals equals a well-balanced diet; two, our budget is going to absolutely require it shortly (I am still working, no worries there -- I just prefer not to go into that particular portion of my life here and now). That doesn't help for today, though. I'll figure something out, but I think I definitely would like a nice stir-fry tonight for dinner.

Oh, and hey! I'd like to thank those of you who were so kind in the comments box yesterday... your thoughtful words really, truly made me feel much better about where I am at now. I am nowhere close to giving up on this, but sometimes it just feels so dire, so impossible. It really helps to have awesome cheerleaders like you. So thanks, BIG TIME.

Maybe this will be a better week. I think it has potential.

I Don't Know What

Hm.

I feel like I am totally gone. I don't like it.

I just read a few of my "regular" blogs, realizing that I had been missing out on a lot of updates, which upset me... that hasn't happened at all since I started up in January. It sort of feels like... I am heading down the slippery slope.

I have really not been watching my eating. I have not been walking or running. I haven't been blogging as much as I should. (I did do a lot of housework over the weekend, at least -- it was an all-day workout yesterday!) I forgot to weigh in yesterday and today before eating anything, so I don't even know exactly where I stand on that front. That's dangerous. I couldn't believe it when it happened this morning. There I was, happily munching away on my Cheerios, when it hit me: You haven't weighed yet, dumbass.

However, I will find out tomorrow and report it here. That is my promise to you. And to myself.

I'm definitely sad about all this. I know I have the power to start back again full-on at any time. I don't know why I haven't yet. I will. I WILL! I MUST!

Sorry, I can't help it: I suck.

Not Much to Say, But I Am Here Anyway

Weight: 302
Total Weight loss: 48 pounds

Hello! Herro!

Since I haven't had much weight-loss or fitness excitement in my life lately, I feel like I don't have much to tell you about. But, because I feel that blogging has been an instrumental part of my success so far, here I am. I don't want to let too much time go by between entries, thereby insinuating that I am gradually giving up the ghost.

No worries, I am not.

I've decided that it's kind of cool that I have been able to maintain my weight in the past month or two. It's been pretty easy, much to my surprise. It's nice to know that some of my healthier eating habits have stuck without really trying, AND that I can eat without tracking or really thinking too much, and still eat reasonably and not gain weight. So, I haven't been eating totally clean, as I have said. But, I haven't returned to my old ways completely, either. In fact, I find that a lot of that kind of food I used to live on doesn't have half the appeal it used to. Interesting! Nifty!

Doing the minimal is better than doing nothing, and seeing this plateau as an adjustment period is a really big step for me mentally... sort of like how Andrew from Andrew is Getting Fit (see sidebar for a link to his awesome blog) was talking about not freaking out because his weight has been stabilized and even going slightly up, but seeing it as part of a much larger, ongoing process... this is so true, and such a constructive way to look at it. Like Andrew, there have been many times in the past when a series of weeks like this would have me so discouraged and depressed, and I would have thrown in the towel. Not now, though! Now I am proud to have been able to maintain my weight and prepare myself for the next phase. Hm, maybe I should take it 50 pounds at a time in general, giving myself a reprieve at each milestone?

What I have been doing:

• Drinking water
• (Mostly) avoiding nighttime snacking
• Balancing out each day's eating (i.e. if I have one "big" or "bad" meal, I am trying to eat well the rest of the day, and/or reset mentally for the next day)
• Taking one day at a time
• Being kind to myself
• Weighing daily to keep myself on track and accountable (this is HUGE one -- it is easy to let things go when you are ignorant of the facts)
• Trying to be more active in my regular daily life (housework & yardwork, etc.)
• Walking and/or running 2 or 3 times a week -- not the best, but something. OK, so this week I didn't, but there's always tomorrow to get a nice walk in...
• Blogging and reading other blogs!

It's nice to know that I do not resemble my old self a whole lot anymore. That list totally confirmed it.

Thank you, btw, for the wonderful, supportive comments the other day. They obviously helped a great deal. xoxoxo, You guys are the best!

HYC Check-In: Hanging on for Dear Life

Weight: 302.2
Total Weight loss: 47.8

I am keeping my 50 pound bling in the sidebar even though I have been dancing around it for weeks now. I've been slightly under, slightly over, and right on the money for the past month or so.

To be honest, this morning's weigh-in felt like a gift. I got back up to 304.2 a few days ago which really freaked me out... if anything, I must, must, must stay under 305 at all costs. Of course, lower is better, but that is the absolute threshold right now. It just is.

I'm not sure what is going on with me lately. I guess it is the constant, low-level blues I am experiencing after losing my stepdad, but it is not really the excuse. I have not been emotional eating; I think it has been more about laziness or not wanting to take the time to plan meals or even cook.

That said, I'm obviously doing something right if I able to maintain as I have been. The nighttime snacking has not been an issue, for one. Another is that I do try to make it so that I only have one big meal each day -- so that if I indulge at lunch, I have a lighter dinner and so on.

Unfortunately the exercise has been out the window. I had my last run on Thursday and nothing since then, except yard work last night. (It counts! I sweat and toiled, believe me!) I'm sad to report that running has lost a little appeal for me at the moment, but I do also think that it is just temporary. The depression I am experiencing is also causing fatigue and poor sleep, so the last thing I want to do is get out there for a run -- probably the thing I need to do most, too! Such a battle sometimes, all this is.

I just want you all to know that I absolutely refuse to give up. I am NOT going back to living the way I was, and I do not want that body I had 50 pounds ago ever again. Talk about uncomfortable and unpleasant! I keep thinking about those size 20 jeans I have waiting in the closet for me to start wearing a few pounds down from now, and all the options I will have in the not-too-distant future. I have to keep these things in mind in order to fuel my will to keep progressing and seeing new successes. It'll be totally worth it. It IS totally worth it now.

Until I get my mojo back, I will keep maintaining and getting used to a 300-pound body vs. the old 350-pound one. I have to remind myself that it is OK to take a rest on a plateau once in a while -- climbing this proverbial mountain is hard work, after all! I'm taking my time and giving my body the chance to adjust to its new form. So what if I had originally hoped to lose 100 pounds in a year and I only lost, say, 70 (which seems likely), or even "just" 50? It's still a great accomplishment, nothing to beat myself up about. This is not a race; I can take my time as long as I don't lose my footing and backslide completely.

My new mantra: Keep your eyes ahead and above; don't look down, and for god's sake, DON'T LOOK BACK. The future is where it's at, and you have the power to create it as you see fit.

I am not in the habit of it, but am asking for some positive/inspirational/supportive feedback. I need you guys more than ever right now. Tell me something good, please? Many thanks in advance.

Back to Active

This week has gone pretty well, though definitely more so on the exercise front. Yesterday I got in a nice 2 mile walk at about an 18:30 pace, and today I did a 1.5 mile run at a 16:40 pace! Nice! Coincidentally, today's run was an exact copy of the last run I did before my "Basil Hiatus" a few weeks ago: Same time starting and finishing, same distance, same route. I was pretty shocked to see that, how funny! It was also pretty awesome that I was able to get back to where I left off so quickly. I'm going to be sure to incorporate week-long breaks from running every couple months, I think. I can just picture all those muscles renewing themselves and becoming stronger, like on a CSI episode or something...

My runs are still never easy, though. Make no mistake. It was a struggle to get out of bed this morning and I kept having negative thoughts cycling through my head ("I can't possibly run 1.5 miles today," etc.), but I knew if I didn't get up and out there I would really regret it for the rest of the day, and who wants that hanging over her head? Not me. As usual, I kept telling myself to just try to make it to the end of the next segment (usually a block or at an intersection), and that I could always walk if I wanted to... at one point after the halfway mark I almost did walk a bit, but resisted and pushed through. Of course after that, things got better.

But yeah, it's never easy. I think that is part of the reason why I favor running over walking.

My eating continues to be so-so, not great. Still mindful but not always making the best decisions, yet trying to make up for indiscretions with subsequent meals, keeping up exercise. Whatever I can do NOT to revert back to the old way of living. This week marks eight months of my project and I am not letting up, the longest I have ever stuck with something like this, ever. I am proud of that.

Keep on keeping on, one day, one meal at a time.

HYC Check-In: Holding steady, again

Weight: 300.2
Total Weight loss: 49.8

Though I am slightly up from a few days ago, I'm considering myself doing fine and holding steady, still. We had a few days of pretty crappy eating again, so considering that I am happy to still be where I am today. I am back into my healthy ways today, and started my day with a nice 2 mile run-walk, about 2/3 running and 1/3 walking. Seeing how I haven't been out in 2 and a half weeks, this was a great accomplishment -- and I actually hadn't planned on running at all today. Once I was out, I found that I couldn't resist trying, and once I started, the running felt very comfortable. In fact, as it turns out, even with the walking included, my pace has stayed about the same -- 17 and a half minutes per mile. I was very pleased and not totally zonked or anything.

I'm starting off repeating Week 3 of the Hal Higdon 5K running plan for novices. I had been into Week 4 when I last left off, so that's not too bad.

I think I will see some real progress on the scale this week. I'd love to have a big loss for the month, shooting for 10 pounds if I can. It's been a while since I've done that, but I think it is totally possible if I stay on target with my active goals. I can do it!

Hope all is well with everyone out there.

Almost back to normal...

Weight: 298.2
Total Weight loss: 51.8 pounds

I feel like I am just about officially into the 200s. The past few weeks I have been dipping my foot into the pool but never jumping in... but I feel like I am there for real. (I'm sure I am jinxing myself by saying that, oh well.) It was rather anti-climactic, since it happened so gradually, nothing exciting at all. I am still not ready to change the "bling" in the sidebar to 50 pounds lost, but maybe I should.

Things are still mopey, but getting back to normal, kind of. I'm thankful that it is a holiday weekend so that I don't have to return to work on Monday. An extra day off is always a nice thing, but especially after you've experienced a major blow to your emotions as I have.

I will confess that I haven't been eating the best, most healthy foods. I've been eating crap, mostly, but I have been watching how much, trying to eat mostly during daylight hours, and getting some exercise in the form of cleaning and gardening and just plain running around in. No, I still haven't returned to running and walking yet. I may wait until Tuesday. I could start Hal Higdon over again. Fortunately, my weight has been stable and even going down slowly, gradually. I'm definitely in control and for the most part not letting my emotions dictate my eating habits, i.e. I haven't been self-medicating with food or anything. We did, however, move the furniture around today. Sometimes, change is good.

Don't tell anyone, but I bought a pair of size 20 jeans the other day because the size 22s fit just a little, teeny bit loose and I wanted to be able to wear them into the winter if I can. The 20s (from Avenue, btw) are very snug and not suitable for public consumption just yet, but it won't be too long. FYI, I wore a pair of old size 22 dress pants to the funeral this past week. I made sure to get clearance from mom to make sure they didn't look godawful or anything. If it passes the mom test, then it's OK with me.

I'm getting there, despite hard times.

Losses and Gains

Weight: 301.2
Total Weight loss: 48.8 pounds

My stepdad, Basil, passed away early Saturday morning, August 23rd. It's been a whirlwind since then. Yesterday was the funeral, today is the first day I have had since late last week to take a breather. I'm pretty tired and just generally mopey. My mom seems to be holding up relatively well considering and still has my stepsisters around, so today I am holed up at home. It's grey and drizzly out today, perhaps appropriately.

It feels a little on the trite side to be posting about this stuff -- weight loss and fitness -- but Basil was proud of my efforts and I know he would want me to soldier on. If I didn't start blogging sooner than later, I might veer back into no man's land, and I really don't want that to happen.

I weighed myself every day but yesterday when I stayed over at my mom's house. There were a couple days when I went on "The Basil Diet" and didn't eat a whole lot of anything and saw a pretty drastic loss... down to 297, 295... held under 300 for a few days. Yesterday was one of those free for all days for when you are feeling really low and you just hang out with family and eat lots of food and chat and share rememberances, so I am not upset about my weigh this morning. It'll be down again soon enough.

Also, I haven't been out for a run or walk in abut two weeks now. I may start up again this weekend, I do miss it.

Mostly I just feel numb and empty, and probably will for a little while. But, I know that life goes on and that Basil would want me to carry on my efforts and be happy in life. I dedicate this entry to him and his memory.

Basil J. DeBlasi, 1939-2008
We will always remember you in your best times!

HYC Check-In: Holding steady

Weight: 303.6
Total Weight loss: 46.4 pounds

I am still weighing every day, but posting it here just once a week. I'm up less than half a pound from last week, which I consider staying level for all intents and purposes. Part of me is frustrated, but honestly? With the state of my life the way it has been, I am actually quite happy to see that my weight has been stable.

It's been a really hard week overall. I am dealing with a lot of stress, most notably about my stepdad's health being in rapid decline (cancer), my hideous financial state, and (least of all, but still a stressor) getting freelance web design project finished this week (had planned to finish over the weekend but didn't). I won't go into any detail about any of it except that I've been a mess, and totally exhausted.

My eating habits have been... balanced. Balanced, that is, between eating fairly healthfully and fairly crappily. Hence no weight loss, but no weight gain either. I'm OK with this for now, but see myself getting back full-on sooner than later.

My exercising has been... infrequent since my run on Thursday. Friday was my big rest day of the week, and while I had fully intended to do my run on Saturday, I was just too tired after an emotionally draining and long day spent with my mom and at the hospital until after midnight. I didn't get home until 1am. Sunday's long walk was also nixed. I just didn't have it in me, even though it probably would have been good for some stress relief. I did go on a 20-minute bike ride in the afternoon, though, and did get my heart rate up a bit.

I am still very tired, and let myself get talked out of the first run of the week this morning by C., who wanted to spend a little time together since I have been so busy. I think he knew I was vulnerable! On top of everything else, it's PMS time again so I'm getting the drain of that, too. Just great.

All that said, no beating myself up here. Totally cutting slack. I think it's understandable; at the same time I remain diligent in the small ways I feel capable of right now. I weigh each morning, I try to eat as healthfully and reasonably as I can most times, and I do try to get at least a little exercise in when I can (like when I walked to the PO box down the street on my lunch break yesterday, for example). One thing I did accomplish: cutting out evening snacking! It was only a matter of simply not doing it. How novel!

It looks like August will be a wash, but it's OK. C. already mentioned that he is aiming for September to really get back into things -- he's also not lost or gained for the past month or so -- and I will, too (and probably a bit sooner than that).

The point is in the end that it's never too late to keep going.

Godspeed!

Grrr

Today's not half as great as yesterday was. Well, they all can't be, can they?

It's just a blend of various things going on in my life that is bringing me down today, not least of which is my weight and how I have been eating lately. In a nutshell, I'm still playing around with the same 4-5 pounds and I need to get over my evening snacking. It's not rocket science, really. Pretty much if I stop that pesky evening snacking (which I only started doing recently for some unknown reason), I'll probably start losing weight again. During the day I have no problem, and I get exercise in regularly. There's no reason why it shouldn't fall off of me, really.

It's so diet cliche of me, isn't it, to have an evening snack problem? What a mundane issue to have. Fortunately, it should be an easy one for me to address.

All I can say is thank dog I found some exercise that I really enjoy. Running has been my saving grace through all of this.

As for my other problems, I won't go into them here, except that they are really stressing me out and probably not going away anytime soon. So I just have to hang in there and do my best to deal with things and/or find my way through them.

It'll be a busy weekend, so you'll likely not hear from me until Monday... have a fun one!

A Nice Day

Despite totally being unable to drag my ass out of bed this morning at first, the morning turned out lovely.

C. was already up for hours and watered the plants and gardens so I didn't have to do it. We had a nice chat before I headed out on what I thought would be just a short walk. I was feeling very sore and tired, and while I had the option of a total rest day, I really didn't want to rest. I wanted to get out and move around, so I compromised and said to myself that a 30-minute leisure walk would be the ticket. No pressure.

Har, har!

I got out there and felt tired, but once I was approaching my intended half-way mark (at 14 minutes or so in), I thought... well, I'm feeling OK now, why not just go another few minutes and make it 40 total? (I keep seeing those notes about how getting more than 30 minutes of exercise a day each week is really best, what, they're actually recommending an hour a day at least 5 times a week?) So I kept going. And then at that halfway mark I only had a little ways to go to a particular intersection that would probably bring the total walk to 50 minutes, so you guessed it! I walked for 50 minutes this morning, covering over 2.5 miles. It was very, very nice.

I am, however, glad that there is a 1.5 run on the schedule tomorrow and then Friday is my true REST day, hooray!

On top of that my weight continues to go back down gradually. It's fine. My ankles are becoming more shapely, and my stomach is getting squishier (whereas it used to be more solid and full-looking and feeling), so I'm happy. I feel really, really good today.

This is my fourth week of 5x exercise, and this week it will be 6x! I like this routine, it makes me feel very strong and confident.

*Pats self on back* You're doing good, kid.

HYC Check-In: Feelin' Fine

Weight: 303.2
Total Weight lost: 46.8

So, I am up a little from last week, but a few days ago I was back down to 300, and I've been back on track since yesterday, so I feel good about the chances of getting back under there shortly. Preferably in time for my 20th high school reunion on the 22nd! Ha ha! We'll see. It's not like it will make much difference; after all, most of the people who will be there saw me last when I weighed no more than 140 pounds. Wow, that's something to think about, isn't it?

I bet a lot of people wouldn't even go to their reunion if they weighed 160 pounds more than they did in high school. But, for me it's not like that. I am who I am, thin or fat, and now even though I am very fat I still feel confident, happy about where I am in life, and proud of my achievements over the years. I've taken a much different path than many and I relish in that fact. So, I will go there with my head held high and just enjoy the highjinks that is sure to ensue.

I had a really nice run today. A lot of mornings I wake up to the alarm, groan, and hit "sleep". Several times. Today was one of those mornings. I got to bed a little later than usual, and I was (and still am) pretty achey from the weekend. I really, really didn't feel like going out today and maybe almost didn't. But I did, telling myself that if it felt bad, I could cut it short. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to do the 2.25 mile run that was on the schedule.

But, I did it. It was a little rough at first, but once I got into it (as per usual), it actually started to feel good. Great, even. I finished strong, even passing by a walker who looked to have a good stride. My mileage for the actual run turned out to be a little short (by like .12 miles), but including my warm-up walk I got in a total of 2.32 miles, which is fine by me. And a bonus was that I garbage picked a multi-plant planter and a bookcase! I noticed the items on my run, and went back to get them afterward. Gotta love free stuff!

On another good note, I am wearing another skirt today that I couldn't get into previously -- a 2X, no less! Yay! Here's to more forward motion this week.