Losing It?

No, I'm not talking about losing weight, I am talking about losing "it" -- my determination, my gung-ho, my will to recreate a new life for myself.

I think, like one of my biggest inspirations, Michelle, I'm not off the wagon, but holding on to the edge for dear life hoping not to fall off. I'm not sure what is going on with me. I've been cranky and stressed out and pretty snippy with poor C. I just got over my period, so I can't blame that. Today is his birthday, though, so I have to get happy and be kind, which will be good for me anyway. You know how sometimes you just get into a rut with certain behavior? I think I am getting used to being snippy as my "normal" way of dealing, and that is not good. I've got to snap out of it.

So it is starting to affect me in other ways, specifically what I am doing here. Last night for dinner and beyond I totally went off plan (totally unplanned, unlike today which I have planned to do for C.'s special day), and the result is that today I feel literally ill. It's my body telling me to cut the crap! I should definitely listen to that. I need to listen to that.

I am writing this before weigh-in this morning because I wanted to sort out my feelings before seeing the number on the scale, see how it might affect me. I'm sad to say that even though I am much more immune to emotional response to the scale, I am not completely cured. I know that, for example, when I weigh in a few minutes it can cheer me up a bit (number going down), or it will make me feel slightly surly (number going up, most likely scenario). I have control over this, though. What if I decide to weigh and get over it right away? Just move on in my life, start with renewed dedication immediately, cultivating a positive attitude? I won't ruin my day. I need to be happy for myself and for others -- just to be alive and to have all the opportunities I do have. One bad day or even a bad week will not change that.

I'm going to check in later and tell you what happened, and how I turned my crappy mood around.

It's a rest or walk day for my training, and I am taking a rest because I am sore. I'd really like to get out there, honestly (and not just to improve my scale reading!), but I also want to stay in tune with my body, and I think she needs to rest her bones. Tomorrow's a relatively easy 1.5 mile run, and then I will do another good walk on Friday, etc. etc. Today, I'm being gentle with myself.

Have a good day and wish me luck!