Rats.

Weight: 309.4
Total Weight loss: 40.6 pounds

Ah well. Last night was a bust. A total bust. I was all ready to have some leftover chili for dinner when I let myself be talked into Pizza Hut instead. I'm not placing the blame on anyone but myself, but I did tell C. this morning amid tears that I really need him NOT to do that to me again, that is ask if I want to get take-out when he knows I am trying to eat right.

Because, like, even getting Pizza Hut could have worked just fine into plan, that's the irony! I had plenty of calories left to work with and I would have been able to eat half the large pizza I got (eh, coupon special, I know). But no. Yes, you're reading this right: I ate a whole large pizza last night by myself. Full disclosure and honesty is what you get in this blog. And there it is. Even after my cheer session, I still found it in myself to blow it with a large Veggie Lover's Pan Pizza.

I'm feeling better now after having a little break down this morning, crying and saying how sick I am of being fat and how ridiculous it was, what I did last night. Look, no beating myself up, I'm back on track today and have made it very clear at home that I am eating healthfully for at least the next few days. Considering what I ate, the gain could have been much worse, and I really could have just totally given up everything and continued on my path to ruin.

But things are fine. This is never a perfect process, and I will never be perfect, and that's OK as long as I always pick myself up and keep trying.

Seriously, though? I'm not sure how I actually fit a whole large pizza in my tummy. I was actually more than satisfied after half the pizza (which would have kept me within my day's allotment, believe it or not), but just kept eating. I was feeling anxious, I guess; I didn't want to have leftovers; I don't know. I guess it never crossed my mind that I could have frozen the leftovers or even just thrown them out! Food and eating anxiety is an odd thing.

Not to mention, in another fit of honesty, that look: I like to eat in bulk. It sounds disgusting, it IS disgusting, but if all things were equal, I would eat and eat and eat. Even though it makes me feel crappy afterward and in general when done on a regular basis. I don't know what void I am looking to fill -- that is something I could hash out with a therapist, I guess -- but I like me some nom nom nom.

It's impossible to expect that someone can effectively deal with and solve this kind of problem in a matter of months, I suppose, especially when said person has had this problem for most of her life. I should really invest in figuring out what the underlying problem is, don't you think?

***

Today I had a fine eating day and have plans for a good evening. This morning I got out and walked for just over 30 minutes despite freezing temps and a pair of legs that felt like lead, along with the same shin and instep pain I had yesterday. I ended up going at a pace almost as slow as when I started the C25K program back in March, that's how bad it was. Safe to say that tomorrow will likely be a rest day, and I will try again on Saturday.

The important thing about all this stuff is that I am not giving up. In fact, right now at this moment I barely feel discouraged. I know that even when I make mistakes, I am doing other positive things at the same time. I know that with lots of practice, I am going to finally GET it.