Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Ups and Downs, Lows and Highs

Weight: 308.4
Total Weight loss: 41.6

OK, OK, there's my weight! I know I said yesterday that I would stop posting it every day, but I was pretty happy to see it still under 310. Especially after the rude awakening I had yesterday evening.

I had a really great time in NYC, as you might recall. I was there for some art-related stuff with a bunch of other artists. One of the artists took photos throughout the weekend, and sent everyone a link to his Flickr account to see them. Well, they were great! I didn't take many photos at all myself so it was nice to see all those faces and places again. He took a lot of snapshot-style photos, unposed slice-of-life kinds of shots, which I love. And there I was, in a few of them. I was shocked at what I saw.

I know it is no big news -- everyone knows I am really fat. I still weigh over 300 pounds, and just because I lost 40 pounds doesn't mean that I have become thin somehow. Intellectually, of course, I know this, too. But it is amazing the disparity between the image I have of myself in my head vs. the reality of my girth. It's crazy -- just the total opposite of how I imagined myself as a teenager (thinking I was a huge whale, when in reality I was quite slender). I mean, I guess my delusion now is a more healthy one, and maybe once I really am thin again my mind's image will match. It was just such a shock. I am still BIG.

It's OK and everything. I mean, I know I've come so far and that I am still making progress. I also can't deny that seeing the photos was like a kick in the stomach, there for a while. The thought almost crossed my mind that I've done all I have for nothing, even though I know this is not true. I was also like "Well, no wonder no one at work notices," and "My family was totally just being nice when they say they see a difference every time they see me," (See? Damned if you do, damned if you don't).

I guess there is really no point to this post except to record these feelings. It's not going to change anything as far as what I am doing, except maybe to keep me going even stronger and harder. I guess in a way it is good for me at this point to truly understand that I have so far to go, that six months in is no reason to slack off or give up. Now is the time to instead up the ante.

(EDIT 6/19: I took out the photo I had posted. It just seemed too... something... not helpful?)


Cammy said...

How we view ourselves is such an interesting dilemma. I didn't see myself as bigger, now I can't really see myself as smaller. I wonder if it has something to do with knowing that our size doesn't define us. We're about so much more than that!

I can't believe you get to wear cute braids! is jealous

Anonymous said...

I can totally relate to this post. TOTALLY. I get to a point where I'm feeling good about what I'm doing and then something will hit me and I'll realize how far I still have to go and it never feels fair. I don't have an answer of course but I do know what doesn't work for me. When I have had moments like that in the past I can tend to switch gears to be harder on myself. I always want to kick it up a notch. I'm learning now that this is, for me, a way I would punish myself. I would bite off more than I could handle. So I guess my only advice is that if what you are doing is working... just keep doing it. You will get there and if you are inspired to do more then add it slowly. One step at a time is all it takes and you really don't want to burn out on this. We are in this for the long haul you and I and it is going to take time. I know it sounds hoaky (I'm sure that is spelled wrong hope you know what I mean) but I am trying to love myself through this. No more punishment here, I've been through that enough already.

Jesse said...

good for you! it is such a huge challenge to keep my internal self-image intact when i see an unexpected full-body reflection or picture. i find it so cool, though, how through sheer power of happiness and success, you can alter a mental self-image! definitely beware of burnout, and focus on the positive feelings. those are worth ten times more than anything external.

radiosilents said...

Cammy: I think in the past my size has defined me. I definitely assigned my worth based on how fat or thin I was. I'm trying hard to break from that, but even now it is hard to let go of that old way of thinking. But you are right, we are so much more than that!

Wee: You have an excellent point, thank you for saying so. One step at a time is all is takes is right, I know this intellectually... I wholeheartedly subscribe to it! It's just some days it's hard to keep bad thoughts at bay. I figured it out, so far I have been consistently losing an average of a pound and a half a week, which is practically ideal. I have no reason to get down on myself or being impatient! I'm taking the weight off in the best way possible, and it's something I should be proud of. Bring the love on!

Jesse: I will do my best to focus on the positive feelings... I am getting better at it! It's a long haul and will take time to put the negatives out of my head completely. ;)