Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Marathons, Bike-a-thons, 5Ks -- Oh my!

Weight: 318.8
Total Weight loss: 31.2

I'm holding steady! Yesterday I had a Subway sub, and boy do those babies pack in the sodium! I don't have them often, but I do enjoy it occasionally. Today I am feeling a bit loagy, despite having had the best night sleep I've had in a few days. Usually any one of our cats will do something to wake me up in the night, multiple times, whether it's digging ferociously in the litter box, walk on my head and/or claw at my hair and face, or simply wander around howling woefully. Last night everyone must have felt content and stayed quiet for once. Ah. Wonderful. Yet I am more tired today than usual. Also, I am ravenous. Some days I can coast pretty well and not think about eating too much, and other days my body just wants to be constantly fed. I try to listen to it without overdoing it, and I try to keep better snacks on hand. (And in case you were wondering, these are actual hunger feelings in my gut, not just "I want to eat, what can I have?" feelings. I do try to not feed the latter if I can help it.)

So, I am becoming more and more obsessed with running a marathon in 2010, and I am talking about it to people more, hence making myself responsible for achieving the goal. Yesterday I was chatting with the fiscal officer/HR gal at work, and she was just so impressed at all my efforts so far, really encouraging. She thought the marathon was a great idea and said she would definitely come and cheer me on. It was such an ego boost to hear someone so pumped up about my little successes, like with C25K -- she always asks me how it's going.

Last night, I asked C. if he would come and watch me run the marathon. See, he doesn't like going out much and especially among crowds of people. But, he said he would -- I think he thinks it's going to be quite the spectacle. I'm not sure he entirely takes me seriously at this point, but I'll show him! And I won't be a spectacle, either -- not in the way he is thinking. I will be a gorgeous, amazing spectacle running across the finish line. Yes. I can see it.

I do think it is crucial to write down your goals in as much detail as you can. I also think sharing your goals with trusted friends and family is another way to help yourself stick with it and really achieve them . And there is proof about the writing things down part. I heard somewhere (maybe I will look it up later) that those who write down goals have like a 90% success rate! How about that! You can see why keeping up with a blog is so helpful to those of us looking to transform our lives.

So, I have more goals. (I hope I am not making more than I can handle!) One, to start riding my bike regularly, like on the alternate days of my C25K training. I want to ride in The Ride for Roswell and can't decide if I should do the shortest ride (8 miles) or the next shortest ride (20 miles). I'll be doing it in honor of my stepdad, who has been getting treatment there for stage 3 multiple myeloma.

In addition to that, I keep thinking about riding my bike to and from work once in a while. It's an almost 20 mile ride one way, so I don't know how feasible it would really be. I guess I'd want to leave really early in the morning, and then I could leave a little early. I just don't know if there is a route that isn't really traffic-laden, and I don't know if I would be comfortable riding in a lot of traffic. So, baby steps. I will have to do some test rides and see how it goes. It's a big goal, but maybe by the end of the summer I can do it!

Finally, I really need to start registering for some 5Ks this summer. I have a few picked out, and now I just need to sign up and commit. I admit, it's a little scary! I do have feelings of doubt about my abilities, but I shouldn't. Even if I am the last person to finish, it'll be an accomplishment, nothing to be ashamed of.

Something is happening inside me. I feel like I am transforming.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Healthy You Challenge: Tuesday check-in

Weight: 318.4
Total Weight loss: 31.6

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

So, I haven't really been making official check-in posts for Healthy You since I joined a while back. I do really enjoy reading other members' blogs, some of which I've linked in my sidebar. It's just another way to help myself stay on track with my eye on the prize, and to make connections with others who are experiencing some of the same challenges and emotions.

I can finally post the nifty 30 pounds lost button this week! I'm so happy about that, since I was stuck in a rut for what seemed like forever (it was really just a few weeks, but you know what that can feel like when you're trying to do all the right things and not seeing results on the scale!). I'm also thrilled about starting the Couch to 5K running plan, and staying with it. I just ran Week 5, Day 1, and it went really well. It was a sequence of 5 minutes running, 3 minutes walking, 5 minutes running, 3 walking, 5 running. After this it's going to get pretty intense, and I am ready! By the end of the week I should be running 20 minutes straight -- we'll see!

In short, I'm just feeling plain awesome today. Hope you are, too.

Monday, April 28, 2008


Hey there! I thought I would post a photo of myself for a change, since it's always nice to put a face with a name. So here's me, taken with the Photobooth application on my Mac.

I'm up a little from yesterday, but still under 320, so I'm happy. I went to a family birthday party that involved a lot of good food, and I did eat what I wanted, but didn't particularly overdo it. I really try to avoid that mentality of, "Oh, I'm watching what I eat, so I can't have _______." No. So I had a little bit of everything I wanted to, from the homemade cheese bread I brought, to dessert. And I had my first grilled hotdog of the season! Yum!

Anyway, my spirits are high and I'm feeling really good about my efforts. Of course, it helped to get many compliments from my family, who haven't seen me since about 15 pounds ago, heh. Everyone raved about my progress, which was nice.

That's all I have for now, but despite the grey, rainy morning I feel like a sunshiny day, complete with kittens, rainbows, and a lollypop. :)

Have a great day.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

SUCCESS! 318.6

Weight: 318.6
Total Weight loss: 31.4


I finally broke into the 'teens, hallelujah.


It feels great! I worked hard for it, too... but also had fun. I kept an eye on my food intake a little more stringently, but still ate without deprivation at all and I didn't really change my calorie intake.

I did, however, become a little bit more active, which I think made the difference. I got a lot of yardwork done, as well as some things around the house.

And now, for the first time in the history of this blog, a photo of some of the fruits of my labors! :)

I know, I bet you thought I was going to post progress photos! Not today... though I will someday soon, promise!

But, I am proud of what I have done in the garden to spruce it up. I can't take credit for the lovely blooms -- they just popped up on their own. I am excited to build on what is there, though! And I did clear out a lot of junk -- dead leaves, dying plants; and I evened out the border a lot. There's so much to do, but it's a good start, it's fun, and it's good exercise!

I also had my last day of Week 4 of C25K run this morning. I finally broke the 2 mile barrier and my workout was 41 minutes total, about ten minutes longer than usual. It felt really good! My breathing has improved so much so that it's not really an issue anymore -- I just have to build up my stamina now, and eventually, my speed. Today was just great, though, a big milestone. I've come so far!

I can't wait to see where I am going. Thanks to you all who comment or even just read once in a while -- your support has really helped me make it through the rough patches.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Upping the Ante

Weight: 321
Total Weight loss: 29 pounds

Ugh. That's all I have to say.

No, it's not. Part of me is really mad about this, though I am not sure where that anger is directed. It's not really at myself, because I feel that I have been doing well by myself all through these past few months -- that hasn't changed. I am still committed to this. Maybe I am just mad because I don't know what my next step should be, or just mad in the way a child gets mad when it doesn't get what it wants.

I'm considering cutting my calories back a teeny bit, maybe 100 calories a day even? And see how that goes. On top of that I wonder if I should also be adding more exercise, making it a conscious effort on a daily basis rather than my current three times a week. I could take a walk on my lunch break (or even before work, same as my runs), or hit a tennis ball around out back (I have to check into the feasibility of that, though a co-worker told me it's doable), or get my bike up and running and go on bike rides on my non-running days -- that's the most desirable to me, though I must say that investigating the trails at nearly Devil's Hole Park sounds good, too.

I have a lot of options. I'd honestly rather up my exercise than cut down on my calories, but I don't want to become exercise-obsessed, either. Then there is always the old standbys of housework and yardwork, which can be made an intense workout as any at a gym.

I just really, really, really want to break through to the next level. I'm so ready to, but I wonder? Am I doing something unconsciously to sabotage myself? I'm being honest in tracking my food, but I don't know. Maybe I am eating too much at an average of 2000 calories a day.

Are you having a tough time? What steps are you taking to get through it?

Thursday, April 24, 2008

C25K: W4D1 & D2 Success!

Weight: Unknown, as the scale wouldn't cooperate and I was running late for my EKG. But I feel really good this morning, so whatever. :)

I got my ass out of bed at 6am today, so I could fit my run in before going to my early morning appointment at the hospital for an EKG. I am wearing my holter (heart monitor) now, but barely notice it. The EKG went really quickly, and based on what they saw initially, the nurses said that it looked good, though a doctor would look at it and make the final determination. They also felt that based on my description, my palpitations are common and due to a valve that gets momentarily stuck closed or open, nothing life-threatening, so that's good. A sonogram could confirm that, apparently.

As for my run...

I neglected to report on W4D1 the other day, but it went fine for the most part. I definitely felt very challenged at the last 5 minute running segment, but I made it through. My pace and speed went up a little (got slower, that is), but I was just happy to finish and not feel like I was going to keel over, heh.

Well, I am happy to report that W4D2 was significantly better! My pace and speed is now the best it's ever been (almost down to a 15 minute mile, which I know is slllloowww for a lot of people, but I started the plan at like a 22 minute mile, so! I am very happy with that), and my cardio fitness is markedly better, judging from the way I am breathing (i.e. totally NOT dying at all!), and I am lucky that I haven't had any leg pain issues or side stitches or anything. It's probably because I go very slow, which used to bother me a little, but seeing how much I have improved already, I know my speed will just keep getting better and better, so now I am not concerned about that.

I must say, I am really looking forward to W5. I still don't know how I will manage to run 20 minutes straight, but I guess we'll see when I get there!

(And, as an encouraging note to anyone who thinks they can't do this because they're too fat, a reminder that I weigh in at around 320. Trust me, you're not too fat! Go for it!)

xo r., developing the heart of a runner

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

No Dice (yet)

Weight: 320.6
Total Weight loss: 29.4

While I was disappointed to not get below 320 today, I decided, "Screw it!" and I'm not going to worry about it anymore. I'm just going to keep doing what I've been doing, and it'll happen somewhere down the line. I'm sick of obsessing about what amounts to a stupid number. And really, on a 300+ pound woman, how much does one pound really matter?

(Ack, a lot. But it's totally, totally mental, isn't it?)

On the bright side, one of my co-workers caught me in the break room as I was refilling my water, and was all, "Hey! I can really see a difference!" She knows I have been losing weight and struggles a bit with her own, but I got the sense that this was a genuine perception and not just a charity comment. So that was nice.

I'm trying to figure out what to do about tomorrow morning. I have my EKG and I'm getting a holter put on to monitor my heart for a 24-hour period. I scheduled it for 7:45am so that I wouldn't have to take time off from work, and I'm like... hm, can I possibly wake up even earlier than I usually do to get my run in? Well, I think I am going to. I don't want to put it off and throw off everything (not that it really would, but I am doing my best to really stick to a schedule). So, let's see... I'll need to take a bath and wash my hair... time to putz around... I guess waking up at 6am won't be too bad.

Though it could find something wrong, I am actually pretty excited to get the EKG and holter (hm, I thought it was halter, only to get the literature in advance where it says "holter", so!) and see if there really is a problem. If there is not, obviously I will be happy, but if there is, now is the time to get treatment -- though I would hope that it wouldn't interfere with my plans to someday run a marathon. ;)

So, we'll see. I am really looking forward to my run. Once I finish up Week 4, things get pretty hardcore (at least for someone like me, who isn't really athletic) and by the end of Week 5, I'll presumably be running 20 minutes in a row! Wow!

Well, I'm just here busy keeping my chin up -- even though I did direct some choice words at the scale this morning, I got over it quickly. ;) Hope your day is a good one, too.

Rainbows and Puppies,


Tuesday, April 22, 2008

On the Upswing

Weight: 320.2
Total Weight loss: 29.8

Well, I'm feeling a great deal better today (and yesterday) after that horrible weekend. Just the desire to get past a hard time, to continue making progress no matter how slow, got me through it. I can be pretty stubborn when I want (or need) to be! And I just cannot see myself slipping back into my old life. I just can't do that.

So in a way, it was good that I went through that. Those experiences seem to function as shoves when I let them. When I am not coasting through this process, it makes me more thoughtful. Sometimes it's very painful and frustrating, but sometimes I just dig my heels in and say to myself, "Stop the wallowing! Just get back on the damn horse. You'll be fine if only you don't give up." I know that even though I set my goal to lose ten pounds a month, shouldn't lessen the success of losing eight pounds, or five pounds or even one pound.

I know I've said this several times before, but I really have to credit the C25K plan for keeping me on track. I can't tell you how it makes me feel to challenge myself in that way, and to feel myself getting fitter each time I "run", even if the pounds or inches aren't coming off the way I'd hoped. I think running is going to save my life.

This morning was the first day of Week 4, by the way! It's got by far the most running in it, quite a dramatic shift, in fact. I did pretty well, though my speed was a little slower and my stamina challenged by the final five-minute run segment. But I did it, and I'm looking forward to the rest of the week's runs as well.

You can see above that I am back down at 320, which is great. I have a good feeling about this week! This is the week I'm plunging into the three hundred teens. I have five pounds to go until my first 10% is lost!

I have some catching up to do...

Sunday, April 20, 2008

It Ain't All Puppies and Rainbows

I feel like a total sham. I am usually pretty enthusiastic and positive on this blog. It's a way to help me really cement those ideas and feelings in my head, and to help me succeed. But the reality is that some days are really, really hard, or that I outright completely go back to my old ways of dealing with life via food.

OK, so yesterday morning I was feeling invincible. I had an amazing run and a great weigh-in. It was a pretty good week overall, actually. If I only knew that 24 hours later it'd be a totally different story.

I weighed in at 323 this morning. It has nothing to do with gaining muscle from exercise, or those pesky daily weight fluctuations that "just happen"; it's because I fucking totally ate poorly yesterday, no excuses. C. decided he wanted to have a Treat Day, but I wasn't. We had a fairly indulgent lunch, which was going to be it for me for the day except for things like fruit and veggies. And it would have been fine. But then, well into the evening, I just broke down and started eating. All told, it wasn't a huge binge or anything, but just pretty heavy stuff that should really only be ingested in small doses. I knew when I was doing it how stupid it was, but I just kept on going anyway. I knew that I was sabotaging my ability to reach my next goal, which was right there for the taking, so simple: to get below 320. I was almost there, dammit! It's been weeks that I have been playing with the same five pounds, at a stage where the weight could really be still coming off steadily.

This morning has been a nightmare, and that added stress is making me feel like a) Having a repeat of yesterday, or b) Eating just about nothing. Option "b" is where I am headed, even though I've already eaten a few handfuls of Cheez-Its (I know, great breakfast!) and even though I know it is not the healthiest reaction to the circumstances. Yet, I prefer that to facing another day of bad food choices. I'd rather just abstain, you know? *closes up the box of Cheez-Its*

You see, we don't deal well with noise, and unfortunately our one set next-door neighbors are probably the cause of the most noise we get: they have a small child and frequently have an abundance of nieces and nephews over in the summertime... they just got a Siberian husky puppy who howls the whole time it's left alone... and now they are having their roof replaced by workers who think it is a grand idea to get started at 8am on a Sunday! (Yesterday they arrived at 9:30am.) Both of us feel fairly helpless and then we end up infighting. So now, I am so frazzled I just want to peel my skin off. And we thought owning our own home would offer us peace and quiet!

Anyway. This is the worst sort of stress-related desire to eat I've had since I started in January. It sucks. I honestly don't know how the day will end, but I'm going to try my best to find a honest, healthy way to deal with my feelings.

Think good thoughts for me, if you like. And you can tell me what good thoughts I can think for you, and I will.


Saturday, April 19, 2008

Busy Bee

Weight: 320.2
Total Weight loss: 29.8

I keep meaning to update here, and life gets in the way.

Things are going well. I had my W3D3 run this morning, and it went really well! I even pushed myself to go a little farther than usual, so today's route was just shy of two miles, as opposed to my fairly usual 1.65 or so. And it was only four more minutes to my time, so my pace and speed are steady/slightly improving. I'm also noticing a distinct improvement in my overall stamina -- breathing, pain, etc. is way better each time. I'm really excited to get started on Week 4. At this point, it is still hard to picture myself running a straight 20 or 30 minutes, but I know I will get there soon.

I'm just so close to the teens now... I really hope that I can get over this hump! I've been so stuck, it would be an indescribable relief to finally break the barrier.

I guess that's all for now. I have a bunch of design and art stuff to work on this weekend, and it's already Saturday evening! Time does fly.

As usual, I would love to hear how you are doing. I hope well!



Friday, April 18, 2008

Good News, Bad News

Weight: 321.4
Total weight loss: 28.6

That's the good news. (Now, if only I can keep it up and firmly entrench myself in the teens, finally!) I also had a great run, W3D2 on Couch to 5K, yesterday morning. No falling this time!

I am also proud to say that I finally went to my new doctor's office yesterday, and it was hands down the best experience I ever had in that sort of setting, despite my initial misgivings. The office is just a few blocks away from home, which was nice, but also smack in the middle of the Projects, which I didn't realize just by the street address. It's a neighborhood clinic. When I first walked in, it was super busy and the receptionist seemed really distracted (well, she was, no doubt!)... it felt almost chaotic and I nearly walked right out. But I decided to stay and give it a chance, and boy, was I glad I did. Every person I came into contact with there was really, really nice and made me feel completely at ease. My appointment was with a Nurse Practitioner who was just stellar; I didn't feel like I was getting lesser care because she didn't have "MD" after her name at all. She was very pleased with my reported progress on weight loss and an exercise regimen and didn't appear judgmental or critical of my body size at all, which was a relief. I talked to her about a couple concerns I have, first and foremost some heart palpitations that I've been experiencing for a few years (!) now, so she's prescribed an EKG test and I'll be doing that 24-hour halter thingy that monitors my heart, along with a bunch of blood work.

I'm pretty excited to be taking charge of my health again. In the past, I've always been afraid to go to the doctor for varied reasons, one of which is my weight -- just not wanting to deal with their critical eye, really. But since my stepdad was diagnosed with multiple myeloma in January, I feel more and more compelled to be more active in taking care of myself and staying healthy.

The bad news is: the check engine light came on in my car the other night driving home from work. More than $1200 later, I've got my front brakes replaces and new wheel bearings, plus having to get a mysterious charcoal filter thingy replaced before I can pass inspection next month. I just finished paying off my car, too! All I can say is thank goodness that C. is willing to float me the dough, else I'd have been out of luck or taking public transportation, which isn't the best where I live. Times like that I regret not living within reasonable biking distance of work, although even that would only work in the non-snow months.

Anyway, so that sucked. But, hopefully my car will be good for at least another year or so before I have anything else major to deal with. I'd like to drive it until it is ten years old, so another three years. At least the mechanic did tell me that my car does look like it's in great shape otherwise and three more years is by no means out of the question.

This all happened yesterday... garage in the morning, doctor's in the afternoon... and I was totally unprepared, food-wise and ate nothing at all until I got home at around 3pm. I was super hungry and thirsty, to say the least! I had even had a run in the morning, too, which no doubt made me even more depleted. But, I didn't go crazy when I did get home, just had some crackers and a nice tall drink of ice water, and we had an early dinner of BBQ chicken, roasted green beans and wedge potatoes.

Today, I feel a little frazzled, but generally quite happy. It's a beautiful day, and I can't wait to get home to enjoy the weekend.

Daffodils and Perlitely yours,


Wednesday, April 16, 2008

On the Right Track

Weight: 323.6
Total Weight loss: 26.4

Ah, now that is more like it, heading in the right direction again. I feel in much, much better spirits today, and not just because of the scale reading. I just feel hopeful, and happy, and healthy. I also had another Pants Victory today! The laundry elves didn't do the wash last night, and so I was left scrambling with nothing to wear this morning -- or so I thought! Turns out that a pair of Old Navy jeans I had left for dead ages ago now fit perfectly! They even slide down my hips without unfastening 'em, how awesome is that? I'm chuffed.

Last night I watched Nova on PBS, because it was about non-athletes training for the Boston Marathon. It was part of an experiment at Tufts University in which 12 ordinary people were selected to participate. One gal had to drop out because of stress fractures in her shins (she had Type 1 diabetes and didn't heal well), but everyone else on the team made it through the nine month training and completed the race! You can read more about the program here: Team Nova.

It was just really inspirational for me and makes me wonder, what am I capable of after I successfully run a 5K? I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, but it's certainly tempting to think that even I could run a marathon someday. Consider it added to my life's to-do list, actually. Yep.

I really loved that a fat girl was included on the team. She turned out to be the fastest of the women in the end -- after she came thisclose to not being allowed to participate in the beginning due to some aberrant heartbeat issues during her initial cardiovascular fitness test. Just goes to show!

And while I certainly felt most sympatico with Betsey, I felt totally proud of each and every team member by the end of the program. Just awesome stuff.

I'm so glad to be feeling good again today. It makes living life so much easier.

Rainbows and kittens,


Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Scale be damned

Weight: 325.6
Total Weight loss: 24.4

All I have to say this morning is "Uh."

I know, one day back on track isn't going to instantly show a fantastic loss. Of course I know this. But? An awesome run AND yardwork yesterday, plus eating well? Resulting in nothing but a slight gain?

OMG, I am being exactly like all those diet people who annoy the fuck out of me.

This too, shall pass. For the coming weeks, I am doing this because it makes me feel good, not so that I get good numbers on the scale. Take THAT, universe.

I mean, it DOES make me feel good, and I am becoming stronger and more fit. This I know for sure. And gosh darn it, I am worth that much.

That is all.


Monday, April 14, 2008

W3D1: Crash and burn

Weight: 325.2
Total weight loss: 24.8

I'm just doing a quick post this morning to tell you that I once again successfully got my ass out of bed to get my run in this morning, and it went really well.

Except for the crash and burn. Yep, good old City of Niagara Falls crappy sidewalks, despite my best intentions, I caught my toe on a crack and BAM! I went down, flying through the air and landing on my face. OK, maybe not literally on my face, as the heels of my palms and my left knee took the brunt of it, but yeah, face down. I don't think I did any major damage and was probably more stunned than anything, and -- get this -- worried that I'd hurt myself and wouldn't be able to run for a while! Wow. Now that's a Non-Scale Victory if I ever heard of one.

I simply picked myself up, made sure I could stand and walk, and continued on. I was about a quarter of the way through my route at that point. I'll be tender for a few days, no doubt, but I'm OK. And my pace and speed were consistent with my last outing, so that was good!

You can see above the damage I did over the weekend with my little free-for-all, eating-wise. I've got the junk food hangover to prove it, too. Man! It's like an exercise in masochism, the only thing I can think. I tell you, though, I feel ready to get back in the game this morning and start feeling good again. It's like a total fresh start, which I think I needed.

Anyway, well... looks like I'll be a little late for work, but here's wishing you a great day and a positive outlook.

Scratched knees and band-aids,


Sunday, April 13, 2008

Grouchy, eating-y

Weight: 323.8
Total Weight loss: 26.2

Ugh, ugh, ugh! The month of April has been disappointing for me in some ways. OK, really just scale-wise, I admit it. I still have not broken into the teens, which is driving me crazy, and while I hate to say it, it's making me a little on the grouchy side, too. And I've been... eating. Kind of like I used to, only maybe not quite as bad, and just today and yesterday. Tomorrow, I'm back on it. And I am actually thinking, maybe I just needed to let myself be grouchy about this and to give myself a little break from all the thinking and plotting about what to eat and what not to eat, so that I come in fresh and all ready to go again. And I am. I will be.

So don't worry, I'm not throwing in the towel, no sir! I even printed out the entry form for that neat cross-country 5K in August with the intention of sending it in tomorrow, which means I am obligated to follow through with everything I am doing. Oh, and? I want to anyway.

But I won't lie, it's been hard these past couple weeks. Even though I am doing well with C25K and even though I saw some nice inches lost with the old measuring tape this week. C. said maybe I am getting some muscle, which is possible, I know. I'm trying to be intellectual about this, but it's hard.

I'm totally rethinking all these monthly goals I have for myself. It's discouraging not to meet the monthly goal, so while I will keep them for something to shoot for, I am also going to consider any amount lost in any given month a successful month, that's all there is to it. Otherwise, I'll feel like I am failing. Oh, these psychological games I have to play with myself! It's silly but it is something I need to do to keep myself going.

It's good to get this off my chest. I want so badly to get through this, and to reach my goals.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Hooray for C25K!

Weight: 320.6
Total Weight loss: 29.4

I'm very pleased with myself, I must say. I did exactly what I said I was going to, and did my run this morning, waking up a half hour earlier than usual to do so. It went splendidly! It wasn't too difficult to get myself out of bed and ready to go, and there was no back-and-forth with myself about whether I was going to do it. It was just a given, a hard fact. And you know what? I had my best run ever so far, stats-wise, feeling-wise, everything. I feel confident about moving on to Week 3, no problem.

[By the way: I still have not purchased an iPod, which is kind of lame of me. But, I had some good music going on in my head (Curtis Mayfield's epic "Move On Up" is an amazing motivator AND has a fantastic groove, by the way) and I know I count my seconds accurately. Soon, though, I will be at the point where I will want to have the podcasts to keep track of my times -- I do not want to be counting out 300 seconds for the five minute run segments I'll be running shortly, for instance.]

I can't get over it. What is the deal with having few second thoughts about buying stupid doll crap, yet I just can't bring myself to buy something that will be beneficial for my body directly? Ugh, man, I don't know. I probably need to be rid of the doll biz all together. It's too easy to buy for them and not myself, for whatever stupid reason.

Anyway. I still have not broken into the 'teens, and it's really annoying me. I thought for sure today would be it; after all, I did a half hour's worth of yard work last night, and my run this morning, and I have been doing well with my eating. It's frustrating, sure, and if I can complain about it once, I am happy and then move on, and keep doing what I am doing. Can you tell I talk myself through my own thoughts a lot? I do.

Turns out that it's like a form of self-coaching. I just started reading a book about this type of coaching for creatives (like, because I still am not making art regularly even though I have a solo show coming up in eight months...), and that's what you do. You sit there and have a talk with your "coach", who is also you but not you. Your coach knows what needs to be done to break through a wall, a plateau, whatever. Interesting stuff. I only got into it last night, but I'll comment more on that in the next few days. I'm totally into self-help, why not? I seem to need it on so many levels.


I think another frustration I have lately is that I don't think I really look any different yet. And when I tell people that I have lost 30 pounds, they act surprised, like my boss did today, or just say, "That's great," without commenting about seeing the change, or whatever. I suppose it is fairly vain of me to expect that people look at me enough to notice, but I need to accept the reality that a) they probably don't and b) 30 pounds off a 350-pound gal is the proverbial drop in the bucket and thus truly not very noticeable (except to her mom).

I mean, whatever, right? I'm not doing it to get kudos from anyone. I do like getting kudos, though. Forget it, though, forget I am even complaining about this right now. I remain proud of what I have achieved so far, and I'm doing it to feel better physically and to gain some confidence (the running is REALLY helping with that). Oh yeah, of course I do want to be super-hot again eventually too, but that reason really does fall at the bottom of the list, all things told.


Heck, this morning I was so energized I even chopped foodstuffs for dinner prep tonight, so when I get home we can just start cooking -- throw everything in the wok ready to go. We're having our fairly decadent peanut butter chicken stir-fry tonight, but don't worry, I've allocated the cals for it. It's totally planned and accounted for, which is nice and totally awesome on my part. *pat on the back*

What are you proud of today?



Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Stuck in the 20s

Weight: 321
Total Weight loss: 29 pounds

Well, this past month was the least successful of the three so far. Alas, I did not quite make my goal of ten pounds lost. I mean, it depends on how you look at it. I stated my goals with the intent to be ten pounds down each month, so I was figuring 350, then 340, then 330, and so on. I'm just about at 320 now, having been teetering around it the past few days, even dipped slightly below one day. But, the beginning of last month saw me at below 330 -- I forget what it was, but definitely two or three pounds under. So technically, it'd be ideal to be ten pounds under that.

It all depends on how you frame things. Following my original goals, I am only a few days behind, and who knows? I might have a big drop in the next couple days, like what has happened in the past.

But, whatever. I shouldn't be negative about any of this because bottom line is, I'm still losing, still on track, and still feeling good. I'm in no danger of changing course at all. I have not looked back with longing on my past ways at all. And I mean that.

So I'll shut up for now with the "Oh no, I wanted to weigh two pounds less by today" because it sounds really, really stupid. It's how I feel today, though, so I am documenting it.

On another, more happy note, I had another pants victory today. This cute pair of jeans I bought at Target that I could barely get over my hips when I first bought them a few weeks ago? Totally fit and totally cute. I got like two compliments today on them and they made me feel long and lean. It's amazing how a 30-pound weight loss can make a morbidly obese girl feel like a supermodel. I love it.

Finally, I have no more runs to report about. My evenings are always full of getting home late, making and eating dinner, and then there's no time to digest it before heading out before it gets dark. And I don't know, I feel more comfortable running in the daytime. My solution is going to be getting up at 6:30am each morning instead of 7 and doing my run then. I'm not a morning person, but this is way too important for me to let go of. I am determined to run 5Ks this summer, dammit! Tomorrow morning I will try Week 2 Day 3, where I left off, and it goes well, I'll continue on. Otherwise, I will just repeat Week 2, no big deal.

I did squeeze in a half hour's worth of yardwork tonight, though. That burns some good cals.

Hope all is well with you. What's new? Still on board?



Monday, April 7, 2008

Spring has sprung

Weight: 321.4
Total Weight loss: 28.6

The weekend seemed to wither away... I barely remember what I did, even.

Ah yes. It was a mostly nice weekend, actually, with a good variety of activities and nice balance of indulgence and recompense. We declared Saturday Treat Day, and I had my requisite pizza, a slice of nice cake from a local bakery, and candy. Ugh, right? Oh, and I know -- stop talking about triggering foods on my blog, already! My apologies if the mere mention of such foods upsets your balance. However, there is one thing to be said about the pizza portion of the day, and that is I ordered just a small pizza instead of a large (yes, even though a large is technically a better "value" -- I have to admit it kind of pained me). I think this is a great coup for me.

Another coup was that I found myself out in among the gardens later that same day, and weeded and raked and toiled for two straight hours. It was awesome. I'm quite looking forward to keeping up the gardens throughout the season; it'll be work, but think of all the bonuses as a result: beautiful flowers and plants, exercise without even thinking about it, and getting fitter as I go along. The good news is that we have just enough garden beds that it will remain a pleasure to work in them, and not become drudgery. We've got a small bed in front (which I am thinking about expanding a bit), one along the side of the house, and some bordering the backyard (again, considering expanding a bit). Along with my C25K activities, I'll be hot, sweaty, and in damn good shape come September.

C25K got put to the wayside over the weekend, I'm afraid. I feel terribly guilty about this, but at the same time I really wanted to wait until my period was almost over before trying Week 2 Day 3. Day 2 went so badly. Excuses suck, and I promise I won't make them a habit when it comes to this, but: I had to cut myself some slack. I'm going to give Day 3 a college try this evening. If it goes badly also, I will simply repeat Week 2. Otherwise, the next run will be Week 3 -- ooh! Hard core!

Yesterday was a beautiful day spent dying my hair, doing a bit of laundry, and driving out for a visit to my mom and stepdad. Mom marveled at how good C. and I look, which was nice. She patted the top of my belly and said that there was a really obvious loss in that area. Thank goodness for moms and their unwavering, reliable flattery.

Yesterday also saw a dip into the 'teens: I weighed in at 319.4. Today it's back up to 321, but I think I'll be back down right away. This is very exciting -- inching closer and closer to a "2" in front of the number on my scale.

This morning before work I took some time to sort through a big bag of clothes I had earmarked for the Salvation Army last year, thinking I would never be able to wear them again. But I hit the motherlode! Almost a whole wardrobe of clothes in the next size down. Most things should be wearable in another 20 pounds or so, which is great. I can forestall the inevitable clothes shopping spree for smaller sizes.

The coming of spring has really energized me and made me even more enthusiastic about my efforts. I hate to wish time away, but I can't wait to see what I will look and feel like over the summer!

Friday, April 4, 2008


Weight: 322
Total Weight loss: 28 pounds

Oh, for reals. SO glad it is Friday. All that catalog stuff at work has been giving me a headache. On top of that, our next door neighbor got a dog recently, and it howls NON STOP whenever they're not home. C. gets the brunt of it during the day, but then he's super stressed out which makes me super stressed out. So it's been a week.

Today after work I resolved to go and talk to the neighbor about it. I was afraid, but she was really nice and apologetic, and hopefully they'll figure out something. It actually sounded like she was a bit sorry about getting the dog, not realizing how much work raising a puppy is. But I am glad it is out in the open, and they can't just say that they didn't know the dog was making such a ruckus.

Phew. I know this has absolutely nothing to do with my topics at hand, but you know? It kind of does, because one of my favorite things to do when I am stressed out is... you guessed it! Eat. I've been doing pretty well with that, though, and just trying to really stick to my food "budget" and that's that. In fact, at this moment my mouth is watering at the thought of a luxurious bubble bath, so I think I'll go indulge shortly.

I have news on the finances front! Did I mention that the car is paid off? Yep. Also, I finally talked with one of my errant credit card creditors and worked out a plan that will get me current by the end of the month -- one to go! Finally, I made a sort of splurgey/useless purchase online today (an expensive pair of doll cateye glasses -- I know! Not even for me! For my dolls!), BUT also SOLD a few Japanese doll books that I don't look at anymore for the same amount of money. It's like losing weight: if I want to indulge on occasion, fine, but make damn sure that I account for it in some other way!

Very nice.

So, yeah. I'm holding out today and tonight for a food splurge tomorrow. I also have to get in my last day of Week 2 of C25K, now or never! Week 3 starts Monday.

Hang in there, kiddoes!


Thursday, April 3, 2008

Busy, Fairly Stressed, Still Hanging In

Weight: 321.8
Total Weight loss: 28.2 pounds

The title just about sums it up for my life since I last posted, which is why I haven't made an update since then! It's been very busy at work, in the midst of catalog time (I design catalogs, among other things, at a small book publisher), and when I get home I just have a nice dinner, chat with C., and sort of veg out. Being on the computer after work hours these days just hasn't been as much fun, so... anyway. But here I am, as dedicated as ever to my personal cause.

I feel like I have really been stuck in the 320s, but the reality is that it's taking me no longer to get to the next "decade" as any previously. Maybe it just feels that way because I am so anxious now to get into the teens, and then finally below 300. I can't wait! I have to, obviously, but man. I have several important milestones coming up: 315, which will be 10% of my weight lost; 310, which was my highest weight ever the LAST time I lost a significant amount of poundage; and then of course, 299, which will take me out of the 300s, hopefully forever. They come in quick succession, so it will be a fun, celebratory time for me, between now and June.

Last night I ran the second day of my second week on C25K. You know how the first one went so well? This one was the polar opposite -- totally sucked. I mean, I did it and all, but my pace and speed went way back to square one.

I'm not down on myself too much about it, though. I'm happy I went out and did it, obviously, also I just started my period AND I made the mistake of running not too long after having eaten a nice helping of dinner (which was a lovely plate of roasted brussels sprouts, a filet of pan-seared salmon, and a few sea scallops -- YUM!), so the stars were really against me. Still, I do hope for a better run next time, hopefully returning to improving my stats (love the stats! Love 'em!) and feeling better during and after. If not, I'll probably try Week 2 again, just to keep building stamina. We'll see.

Anyway, I hope all of you are doing well -- I'd love to hear what you're up to!