Sunday, March 30, 2008

C25K, Week 2 Day 1: Just, wow!

Weight: 323.4
Total Weight loss: 26.6

Reporting back to you after the first day of week 2 on the Couch to 5K program. I was so excited to get back to my computer, map my run and see how I did, because I just knew that with this run I totally surpassed any previous achievement so far. Boy, was I right, too!

My pace was 19:28, with a speed of 3:08. This is a huge improvement over last week's stats! I could really tell a difference in the quality of my movements today. My jog segments weren't nearly as sluggish, nay, I could even maybe call them honest to god jogs! I noticed, too, that during the walking segments, my arms started moving in broader motions naturally – I was moving faster without really deciding to. I just was.

The human body never ceases to amaze me. And I am sorry if I say this over and over again, but I am still amazed that someone of my size can do this. I am so freakin' proud that I am doing this.

I did have my first heckler today, though. Just as I was starting down my street at the end of the workout, some yahoo driving past on the main highway yelled out the window, "HEY!" When I turned around (rather perturbedly, I might add, since it scared the crap out of me), nothing. They had paused, but then just kept driving. Whatever. Did nothing to make me feel bad about myself or what I am doing, just further proves that there is no shortage of idiots in this world. Too bad for them.

I also want to note that I totally did not want to do this today. I really didn't feel like it, plus I had gotten some exercise in with an hour and half's worth of spring cleaning; I was tired and slightly achey and cranky from PMS. But, I did it anyway, because that's what you have to do to achieve your goals. That's what separates those who succeed with those who fail. Now, would I still like to be saying that I am exercising every single day? Why yes, I would, but for now at least three days a week of interval training is enough to make me feel like I am light years away from where I started. I am still a believer in taking it step by step. I will become superworkoutwoman someday, no doubt, but not today and not this week. For now, I am concentrating on becoming a 5K runner.

Book note: I skimmed through Body for Life for Women last night, and found some bits useful. Seems a little fussy for my taste overall, and plus, all of the before and after success stories involve women rarely over 200 pounds to start. Not that it's bad per se, but I feel as someone much larger a bit... marginalized, perhaps? I'll tell you about the bits I liked, and also the bits I thought were annoying, in another entry.

Finally, today I had one of those so-called NSVs, or Non-Scale Victory for those uninitiated that may be reading. It involved my fitness level. The aforementioned house cleaning? I started with the bathroom and moved on to sweeping, and cleaning some windows and even wiping down some of the vinyl siding on our front porch. For the record, previously I generally get pretty winded and sweaty when I am housecleaning. Today, though, was totally different. It was barely tiring, and I don't think I even broke a sweat! All I can say is, wow. Just, wow.

Yours plain old just truly,


Saturday, March 29, 2008

The Quiet Life

Weight: 324.8
Total Weight loss: 25.2

It's been a relatively quiet, uneventful past few days. Sort of. Yesterday after work I drove straight to Hamilton, ON to meet up with one of my best friends and her cranky but adorable hubby for AYCE (that's All-You-Can-Eat, in case you didn't know the lingo) sushi. Since that city is about halfway between where I live and where they live, we try to have dinner together every so often (though not nearly often enough!) and enjoy the indulgence.

Here I must say that E. has been one of my most inspiring folks... she's lost over 80 pounds so far doing an Atkins-like diet that has helped her totally free herself of diabetes, and she even wears PANTS now! While I could never follow her plan of eating, it totally works for her and her hubby, who's also lost quite a bit of weight. So yesterday we were talking a little bit about that, how it truly IS that there will never be one magic bullet for losing weight. Just like what I'm doing isn't necessarily going to work for someone who has to keep an eye on sugar, or other considerations, I cannot deal with a low-carb diet well (been there, done that – it made me feel ill after a few weeks) and would never be able to make it a lifetime proposition.

And how long did it take for me to find my personal magic bullet? Most of my life, about 30 years. But hey, better late than never, right? I also really had to come to terms with a lot of emotional baggage before I could really set myself out on this journey. I'm still dealing with it, and probably will for a long time. I should probably get some more therapy, too, eventually. For now, though, and for the next couple years until I meet my goal, I'm relying on sheer will and determination to get me where I want to be. It won't be over after that, but hopefully by then this will all be old hat and the mindset won't be so put-on, but totally naturally occurring. (You know, that old "Fake it 'til you make it" technique? That's what I am relying on.)

So we enjoyed the sushi and the company, as usual. I gave myself some license to not think too much about what I was eating at dinner, but I bet if I broke it down it wasn't all that out of bounds, mango ice cream included. Afterwards, our little trio went for a short stroll down the street, and I didn't even get one ounce of winded. Progress!

You can see in my weekly stats that I am down just over two and half pounds from last week's, which is nice, but I am still a little grumbly because I've seen the numbers lower this month (OK, just for like two days, but still). I have another week to meet my monthly goal of ten pounds lost, and I am not sure it's going to happen this month. BUT! OK, so I am whining a little. BUT! Seriously, I am happy to have lost five pounds, or seven, or whatever it will be on April 7th. It's been admittedly hard to remain optimistic and excited about the changes I've made, lately, since the results haven't been quite as good as I'd hoped. It is at times like these, though, when I need to persevere and really keep focused on my goals. I've already achieved too much to give up now. While I do have so far to go, I'm well on my way, and I need to keep that in mind -- NOT how slow it seems to be going. Slow is good. Slow means that it will be easier to keep off once I arrive at my goal.

Today was a weird day, full of bickering and bad moods (PMS, anyone?). C. and I ended up designating today a Treat Day, but I actually stayed under calorie limits, I think. Apparently the thrill of eating pizza no longer requires me to eat the whole thing, but two slices plus a salad suited me fine. Kind of funny when that happens. It was totally automatic. It probably also helped that we slept for a good portion of the afternoon, and then ate fairly late -- and I don't like to go to bed with a full stomach. No more eating for me tonight.

I haven't bought the iPod yet, but plan to order it tomorrow. I'm starting Week 2 of C25K tomorrow, and will finish it out on Tuesday and Thursday this coming week. My Tuesday run will be the first, hopefully, accompanied by music! Excited!

Finally, today also included a trip to the city library, where I checked out a bunch of books that talk about money and fitness (separately, I mean!). I'll probably write some mini-reviews about them in the coming days and weeks, so be on the lookout!

Hope this finds you all well, happy, and healthy!

Yours in lettuce and hardcovers,


Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Revisiting the Awesome

Weight: 325.4
Total Weight loss: 24.6

I'm reporting to you from my third run of my first week on the Couch to 5K program! OK, well, I'm actually sitting here at my desk after having completed the run and entering all the stats into my account at Map My Run. While I may be going at a snail's pace at this point (today's run was a 21:16 minute mile), I am making progress with each run, which is fab.

Yesterday I took a much-needed break from any exercise at all. My body was just ready to cave in, I think. So, no walk, no nothing. It was a good decision because today's run was really pretty great, for me, at least. I'm not saying that there is no pain involved, or that it is easy, but, most importantly? It's doable. I am doing it. It still amazes me (and probably all my neighbors who happen to be looking out the window as I stumble by) that a 320-something pound gal is out there running. Well, kind of. ;)

I've earned myself a new iPod by completing the first week of C25K! I told myself that if I could do that, that would be my reward, since neither of the iPods we have function anymore and I am dying for some music to run along to -- and C25K podcasts, too! So, sometime this week, I'll go and get myself a shiny new Nano or something.

But what about my budget? Yes, I could probably better spend that money on paying off credit card debt. I'm making an exception to fund my healthy lifestyle, which I consider a worthwhile investment. Ahem.

I'm feeling really darn snazzy right now. How is your stuff going?

PS Can I just say? Today was my first payday reflecting my raise, and man! It's really, really great to have that extra money. I almost feel like I won the lottery. Still quite chuffed indeed!

Monday, March 24, 2008

It can't always be *AWESOME!*

Weight: 324
Total weight loss: 26 pounds

I just returned home from my evening walk. It was worst one so far! I think it's because my body is just tired and sore, but I only managed just over a mile in 24 minutes, and it was tough, I tell you. I was ready to give up at ten minutes out, but by then that wasn't really an option short of crawling home, so, I stuck it out and it was better than lint in your pocket. But not much.

Well, they can't always be awesome and exciting, can they? I think in light of feeling so fatigued, I will adjust my 3rd day of C25K to Wednesday instead of Tuesday, and give my legs a day off tomorrow. Maybe I will do some arm strengthening exercises -- I found my hand weights last night, tucked away in the basement. I have yet to get a pilates DVD, but that's coming soon. If nothing else, there's always the trusty Wii Sports to play, which was my only form of "exercise" when I first started on this little journey of mine.

You can see I had some more scale success this morning. We seem to be on a steady decline, which appears to be predictable if last month and this month are representative of my body's cycle. It'll be interesting to see if that continues each month. My Physics Diet chart has two little pointy red spikes that look like boobies from my recent weight gain,
see? Ha ha. I'm firmly back in the green now, though. I like those little boobies -- they're funny!

On the way home I had to stop at the store for just a couple items. To celebrate my raise at work, I decided to purchase half a dozen magazines, mostly of the cooking variety. Since we've been losing weight, C. and I have been cooking almost every night together, which is great -- no more bickering over what crappy take-out to get. He's been on a BBQ chicken kick lately, which is fine with me. It's fast, easy, tasty, and not half as bad for you as you would think. We throw breasts of chicken in the oven to roast, along with hand-cut oven fries and usually some sort of roasted vegetable, like brussels sprouts (my fave) or asparagus. But I am getting a little tired of the same thing every night, and despite owning plenty of cookbooks and cooking magazine back issues, I thought I would treat myself to a few more for inspiration.

Hey, it's not exactly sticking to my budget, but at least it's useful stuff, right?

Yeah, sure.

I especially love Cook's Illustrated and its offshoots, Cook's Country and these other volumes I've been finding, like one I bought today about lighter cooking. I figured, hey, they do all sorts of experimenting to find just the right ingredients, and taste does matter to them, even with healthier dishes. That one's going to come in handy quite a bit, I think. Plus, I am in love with the descriptive prose they use to talk about the process of arriving at just the right recipe -- the hows, the whys, the whats. I read aloud to C. about their version of oven fries, to which he replied, "Someone has way too much free time!" Ha ha. Well, that is their job, isn't it? I for one can't wait to see if the lighter meatloaf and the lighter fettucine Alfredo and the lighter cheesecake and the lighter oven fried chicken are really worthwhile... it'll be a rare, happy occurrence if so. And I will keep you posted and share those recipes I find worthy.

I guess my conclusion for today is that while I am enjoying the scale readings lately, I truly most happy about how the lifestyle changes I've been making are affecting my whole life all around, not just my weight. It's really been a pleasure, bumps and all.

Yours in 1% milk and Rice Krispies,


Sunday, March 23, 2008

My First 5K

OK, OK, so I am probably getting ahead of myself, but I've been looking around online and found the 5K I would like to run as my first. It's called the Run in the Mist in my town, Niagara Falls, on June 25th. It starts at the top of the falls, how cool is that? It also benefits the local Boys and Girls club.

Maybe I'll also run the Italian Festival 5K in town on August 3rd.

Or how about the RUT Race in Lewiston on August 11th? That sounds pretty cool!

Shea's 5K Run For The Arts on September 21st in downtown Buffalo...

10th Annual Flexcare Jack O’Lantern Fall Classic 5K on October 21st in Niagara Falls...

We'll see!

FYI: I did my second day of C25K about an hour ago! My pace improved slightly, going from 22:36 to 21:40; my speed from 2.65 to 2.77. Still a snail's pace, slower than when I do straight walking, in fact! But an improvement's an improvement. I am TOTALLY going to do this!

One Month of The Forty Project

Weight: 326.4
Total Weight loss: 23.6

Yesterday was my one-month anniversary of blogging here at The Forty Project, and I didn't even realize it. So, happy late monthaversary to me! I'm clearly headed on the downward slope on the scale again, so yay.

This blog has really helped to keep me focused on my goals and acts as a constant reminder of why what I am doing is important, and shows me how far I am coming along. In the past month alone (plus the month and a half before I started documenting things here), I have made much progress, even if it's in ways that I can't easily describe to you in words. But here, I will try:

• I haven't given up, even when it's been rough
• I have money left over in my bank account when a new paycheck comes in
• I've started exercising
• I'm learning to take emotions out of the equation (this is REALLY important)
• I can wear pants I haven't been able to for months now
• I have a much more positive outlook on my future and life in general
• I feel like I can achieve just about anything I set my mind to (and write down)

I'm sure there is more, but these are the things that seemed glaring to me. Suffice it to say, I am very proud of myself indeed.

Today has been a fairly lazy one. We don't celebrate Easter, so it's just another day, really. I woke up at around 8am, and since both of us were hungry, we decided to have lunch super early. We ate our main meal around 10am (peanut butter chicken stir-fry, which is a rather high-ticket item), and by 11:30 I was ready for a nap – I slept until almost 3pm! I guess I really needed the rest. I'll be tackling day 2 of week 1 on the Couch to 5K plan later today, and hope I do OK. My body is actually pretty sore from the past two days' exercise. I did day 1 the other day, and yesterday, I just plain walked a mile and a half through my lovely neighborhood when I probably should have just allowed myself to rest, being new to exercise again and all. Well, lesson learned perhaps, we'll see how it goes later and if I make it through my little "run", er, walk and jog. I'm skeptical, but I'm giving it the college try.

Yours in clever salutations,


Saturday, March 22, 2008

Couch to 5K: First-timer Victory!

Weight: 327.4
Total Weight lost: 22.6

I recently wrote about my resolve to finally start the Couch to 5K running plan. My first "run" was yesterday(!), and boy, I was scared/apprehensive/doubtful, but it turned out pretty great.

I have always wanted to be a runner (they always look so FREE and easy!), but aside from a short stint of fairly unsuccessful participation in the cross-country team in high school, I've never pursued that dream. Now, if I stick with it (and I will!), I may be completing the plan by the end of the Spring into Summer challenge (mid-June) I'm participating in over at the 100lbs2lose LJ community -- that would be awesome. It's one of my goals.

That challenge was just what I needed to recharge my batteries, psych myself up, and really go full force on my efforts to become more fit and a heck of a lot lighter on my feet. It's such an encouraging, motivating group over there, pretty awesome.

Oh yeah, so I bet you're dying to know how my first day went on the C25K? I surprised myself! OK, so my jogging portions were pretty darn slow, but I "jogged" nonetheless. And I made it through the whole session, about 1.5 miles, without collapsing. In fact, it was more leg pain than being out of breath that made it hard, I think. So that's good, I guess. :)

(Oh, and just in case you're not familiar with the program, the first week of training involves a 5-minute warm up walk, then 60 seconds of jogging alternating 90 seconds of walking for 20 minutes, and then I walked another 5 minutes to cool down. I'll be doing this plan three days a week on Fridays, Sundays, and Tuesdays.)

It's interesting because I find myself rather itchy to do something again today, but I will give my body a break and maybe just go for a regular walk or treat myself to a new pilates DVD and do that. Surprisingly, I'm not in too much pain. I feel an all-over low-grade pain with a bit more in the knees, which is understandable.

Another thing? I was not at all embarrassed about doing this in my neighborhood, which is urban-lite with lots of houses and light-to-medium traffic. I felt the contrary, in fact -- very proud to be doing it no matter how much jiggling occured.

I'm so excited! This is a real coup for me. I'm going to be a runner!

Yours in Ben-Gay and stinky socks,


PS I did make arrangements with the electric company, so that's all better, and I worked something out with C. to pay my car off this week. Two financial things to cross off my list, hooray!

Friday, March 21, 2008


Weight: 328.0
Total weight lost: 22 pounds

My scale was being uncooperative this morning, but I finally wrestled it into doing its job (and I think it is time for a Tanita soon; Homedics doesn't rate high in my book now!), showing the most miniscule loss, but a loss nonetheless. My Physics Diet graph has been tipping red the past few days, and hopefully I can get back in the green soon.

One thing I did notice, though, was that at the same week of last month, I had a very small average loss (about a half pound), too. So I am really going to chalk it up to female stuff screwing me over one or two weeks a month, for now, because I've been tracking food and staying honest. I don't know what else to do.

...Except. Exercise. I'm going to start a regular program today. And I am pretty excited about it. I'll be attempting the Couch to 5K running plan, which I think I have mentioned here in the past. Well, today, I'm going for it.

I won't deny that I am a little scared and apprehensive. But I've been getting a lot of inspiration from people over at LiveJournal (users "phrassie" and "grant_me_wings", to be specific), and it's just time to shake things up a bit (least of all my boobs and belly fat, har!), and finally get moving.

I also want to find my hand weights and start doing some toning exercises. And pilates. I do. (This is the part where I go and do that, except that I'm sitting at my desk at work. I'll tell you what happened later.)

Anyway, I am so pleased with myself for not throwing in the towel just because I've hit a bit of a rut. This is a pretty big thing for me. It seems I've been having those lately -- another big thing (and the thing that has resulted in all the stress I've been putting myself through lately) is that I am no longer working for a wage that is a compromise on my part. Long story short: I applied for a new job, got a new job, gave notice at my current job, and got a nice counteroffer that made me feel really good about what I do and the company I work for, and decided to stay. This all happened in the past few weeks, and especially this past week was frazzling, believe me. But I feel that I have arrived, in a sense. I no longer feel like I am play-acting at what I do. I am being taken seriously and viewed as a valuable member of a team.

(God, that sounds so cheesy, but it's true. I feel like a million bucks today, now that it's all over and done with. You know -- Hey! I'm a contender!)

I can't help but think that that's going to have a really positive impact on what I am doing for myself health-wise, too. Not to mention my bank account.

Speaking of which... I still have not been as active as I should in taking care of my finances. And I really need to! There are some big things I really want/need to take care of in the next couple weeks, and not sure how I am going to do it. One, pay off my car (about $750.00) by the end of the month, or it's going to collections. Hey, at least it's not getting towed, but I'd really rather not have it go into the black hole of collections and crap. Also, I slipped up, really stupid, and didn't make my payment on the electric bill like I was supposed to, after having fixed everything up and arranged a payment plan and everything. All because I "forgot" -- well, I did. I think I really need to start having them send me paper bills again instead of via email, because the emailed ones really get lost in the shuffle. I guess part of me is kind of old-fashioned and likes to have the bills to fondle and write on and file away. Aw! How cute.

I wonder what sort of genius plan I can hatch for those things. Number one is calling the electric company (again) and begging for forgiveness, and then really follow up and make regular payments! Number two, finding an extra several hundred dollars, and fast. We'll see.

In summary, things are looking up, but I still have a LOT of work to do. How are you?

Knee-deep in bills and snow,


Thursday, March 20, 2008

Back in Ackshun

Weight: 328.4
Total weight loss: 21.6

My weight continues to creep up, it's true, but I am holding on. I did much better today overall, felt better. Ate better. Today my stress-full saga was over, so hopefully life will get back to relative normal and I can really get back to focusing on the important stuff. (Note to self: I bled again today -- maybe this is having something to do with the maintain/gain? Only time will tell.)

I think this is a really important post because, even though this has been a less than successful month, I'm just not giving up. I'm not. Today was proof of that.

And, you know, I still have those bags full of new, cute, smaller clothes to grow into. I'm going to do just that.

Hanging in, hanging on, holding out.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008


Weight: 327.8
Total weight loss: 22.2

Oh, how I have missed checking in here! I shall not let so much time go by between posts again.

It's been a crazy past few days. I've been dealing with some things that were fairly stressful – a super long period (ten days, plus another day of spotting to boot!), and a potential job change. (I got the job, accepted the job, got a counter offer from my beloved current job, and now I am staying put again... long story, but man! It took a toll on me, good news or no.)

As far as my eating has been going, well, it's still going. Let me just say that I am trying really hard. Kind of. Let me put it this way: I'm still tracking my food and still trying to eat right, but it's been really hard lately for whatever reason, despite my best visualizing about the future and all those cute clothes I bought and won't be able to wear for a quite a while, as long as I keep working on this...

I mean, things are going really well, but it's still been stressful. I've come to the conclusion that stress is a big factor to weight gain (I know, that's not really news to anyone, in fact I think I even read it somewhere!). As you can see above, I've gained a few pounds, going from my lowest low on March 10 (323.2), up a bit, then down a bit, then up, up, up... today I was down again, slightly, and thank goodness.

It's not that I am doing anything differently for this to happen, not that I can think of, anyway. I have a feeling that mixed-up period wreaked some havoc on my body there for a while, but it doesn't make me feel much better. OK, so tonight I had a kind of binge. I didn't eat dinner, I didn't feel like it, and instead I over snacked on weird stuff: Rice Krispies, Girl Scout Cookies, microwave popcorn. It's so stupid. While I was walking to the kitchen to get more cookies, in fact, the thought crossed my mind about the cute clothes I have in bags upstairs, waiting for their turn to adorn my gorgeous body, but I just kept on going anyway. Cookie propulsion.

The truth is, I shouldn't have yummy snacks like Girl Scout cookies and big candy bars in the house to begin with. It's just kind of stupid and asking myself for a reason to make a bad choice. I should have known this before, I DO know this, but... oh hell, this is a learning process. A RE-learning process. I'm learning that snacks like that have no place in my cupboard. Buying extras serves no purpose but to sabotage my efforts.

I mean, look. I still believe that no food is off-limits. But why should I make it so easy for myself to shove that crap in my mouth? Aren't I trying to eat more healthfully in addition to losing weight? Isn't it a better idea to have a piece of fruit or even a pudding cup than a candy bar or a Girl Scout cookie, whether I am fat or not?

Yes, I am having a hard time, but don't you go thinking I am washed up just yet. This may have turned out to be a semi-tough month, but I still have over two weeks to meet my monthly goal. Look what happened in February: almost the same thing but for different reasons, and the weight ended up still coming off.

Why? Because, dude. I didn't give up.

Yours in background checks and fingerprints,


Saturday, March 15, 2008

Treat Day

I hadn't planned on posting again today, but I feel the need.

I had one of my infamous treat days today, which involved pizza and sweets. I had a few realizations: one, that eating these foods is not as great as I always expect it to be; two, that when I do indulge like this I don't need to get the big pizza or buy lots of candy -- I would have been more than satisfied with a small pizza and one piece of cake; three, I still have leftover issues, meaning that it is really hard for me to not eat the whole thing of whatever it is. Portion control would be the death of my efforts. I get kind of like Homer Simpson and just sit there shoveling food in going, "Mah, mah, mah, smack, mah, mah, snort..." Yuck. I hate that.

The thing is, it would have even been OK if I had just stuck with my initial meal, which was totally satisfying and kept me full for literally the whole day. Yet, there I found myself a few minutes ago, stuffing my face even more EVEN THOUGH I WASN'T HUNGRY!!! What is up with that? It's that sort of thing that I am out to correct in my behavior. It just isn't necessary, and I know that intellectually, but...

The good news is that I drank a lot of water (all that junk made me really thirsty), I logged my caloric intake (or at least tried to estimate it), and I am working it out in my head and documenting it here so that maybe I won't make the same stupid choice next time. Maybe. As I have said in the past, I've got 30+ years of reprogramming to take care of. Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither will the new me be.

I am REALLY going to do this.

I spoke to my mom today on the phone, and we were talking about this stuff a little bit, mostly about how badly we want to wear regular sizes again and take advantage of super crazy sales (ack, so freakin' GIRLY!), etc. She told me she was proud of what I was doing, and I told her, "I'm really doing it... it is just about time that I finally conquer this crap that's been ruling my life for three decades, just be done with it once and for all," and I really meant it. OK, so maybe I won't ever be done with it once and for all, ever, and I will always have to think about what I am putting in my mouth in the same way an alcoholic has to think about not taking a drink, but at least I will be wearing cute clothes while doing it.

Not to sound like vanity is my main motivator or anything...

Yours in pizza and cake,


Worth and Weight

It feels kind of weird when I don't post for a day. Yesterday was weird, though. Aside from my changes in lifestyle, I have other potential changes going on that have been sort of throwing me off a little, adding a bit of stress (but in a mostly good way). I hesitate to post about that stuff here, so I won't go into details, but suffice it to say that it definitely has affected my mood. On top of that, add on my interesting "female" issues (um, I still have my period going on the 9th day, ugh!), and you have a week spelled like D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R.

Fortunately, I've been dealing with it all pretty well considering. That is, I'm not dealing with things by comforting myself with food. That's a big coup for me, most definitely. As a result, I saw an overall downward trend on the scale. I hit a surprise low early on, and then body decided to adjust itself a little which resulted in a small spike and then and decline again. It's actually pretty interesting to see how the body loses weight when you graph it out. I can just hear my insides going, "Oh wait, WOW! we're losing weight too fast, let's adjust a tad... OK, that's more like it..." I'm still on average dropping two pounds a week, which is fine by me.


One thing I realized this morning reading through boards was that I am extremely lucky to have the circumstances I do in which to live a healthier lifestyle. I realize that many people have it really tough trying to effect a positive change in their lives – having a spouse and/or family members who are not supportive, overly critical, saboteurs, etc. I am fortunate enough to have a boyfriend who a) loves me at whatever size, but also loves me enough to worry that my eating a whole pizza and a big bowl of ice cream every other night wasn't good for me, b) doesn't care that I am eating different things than he does sometimes (though this is less an issue now that he has gotten on the bandwagon), and c) acts as a backup conscience without berating or belittling me if I am having a hard time resisting making bad choices. And, despite my family being rife with weight obsession and equating body size with self-worth (my mom, mostly, sadly), we all love each other unconditionally, are aware and supportive of each others' efforts or non-efforts to eat more healthfully. There is NO judging whatsoever based on size, which is wonderful. It's true that my mom has the most issues where this is concerned, but it is directed completely inward, not toward others – I'm not sure which is worse.

I'm not blaming my mom for my issues with weight. I know that she probably didn't help much, directly or indirectly, but I know that anything that she did, she did out of love for me. I think that, when I was 9 years old and much heavier than 99% of my classmates, putting me on a diet seemed like the absolute right thing to do. Maybe it was, who is really to say? But I do know that from that point on, I was obsessed with the numbers on my clothes and on the scale, and constantly comparing myself to my much smaller peers. I have distinct memories from 4th and 5th grades wishing I could be as small as my friends in their cute designer jeans. This was back in the late 70s and early 80s, even before we had the so-called Obesity Epidemic.

After that first diet, any weight loss efforts were initiated by me, but dieting was always a big component of daily life, from women's magazines with the latest way to drop five pounds in a week, to Richard Simmons' "Live It!" and his books and exercise videos, to Weight Watchers and back, ad infinitum.

It was probably back then that I began secret eating, too. Not that I would get in trouble for eating something I "shouldn't", but probably more out of shame or embarrassment. It usually involved things like cake frosting and ice cream, things that could be eaten out of the container one precious scoop at a time. Over the course of a few days, there'd be nothing left, unbeknown to my mom until it was time to use said item. It was something I was never scolded for; it became a bit of a joke after a while.

In high school, the reverse was true. I became a secret non-eater. I wrote down every morsel of food that went into my mouth and recorded it, along with its calorie count, in my journal. (This was way before the internet, of course!) I'd limit myself to 500 calories a day. I became quite thin and people, even the popular girls, noticed and gave me positive reinforcement. This was really important. It was something I got from my dad, too, who lived far away. To me it always seemed like looking good (i.e. thin) was really important to him, so when I'd lose weight, I thought that my dad might love me more. Conversely, I was afraid that he'd love me less or not at all if I was fat. (Unfortunately, I still have this fear even though it is something I have talked with him about and he has assured me that that is definitely not the case – I just always have in the back of my mind the last time I lost weight, he said: "Oh, you got your figure back!")

I mean, we all get this positive attention, these compliments, when we lose weight. We get nothing if we don't, or if we gain weight. No wonder so many of us have grown to equate our body size with our worth! This is one of my biggest issues that I try to actively buck against all the time. Of course, it is easier to rally for someone else (like the way my mom does), but I really try hard to direct positivity and body love at myself, too. That's what really important, isn't it?

Thursday, March 13, 2008

First Time For Everything

Weight: 326.6
Total weight lost: 23.4

Ah well, the past few days I've been feeling really crappy. Some of it I know must have to do with hormones and icky girl stuff, but for the first time since I started this whole thing, my morale is pretty low. The past three days I've had small gains, and while I know better than to be bothered by it, well, I can't help it and I am bothered. All I can say is thank the gods for Physics Diet and all its charts and graphs, because without that showing overall progress despite not showing losses on the scale, I'd be crying in my cornflakes. And eating lots of chocolate, or something.

Today was the first day that I wasn't excited to enter my numbers, and track my food. I'm ALWAYS excited to do that stuff, even if I don't show a loss. It's just kind of comforting to have these motions to go through, but today I just haven't felt like it's going to make a difference.

Blah, blah, blah. I know we all go through this at some point. I've made some great progress so far already and need to focus on that fact rather than the daily detritus (or noise, as they call it in the Physics Diet realm), keep going, and just stop wallowing.

That said, C. weighed himself this morning (he does it when he feels like it, maybe once every one or two weeks), and dropped another five pounds for a total of 20 pounds lost! Good for him, especially since he gets discouraged easily. He was marveling over how we can eat BBQ chicken and still lose weight! Yep, just like I told him would happen... I am very proud of him, and inspired.

I'm so glad to have this outlet. Already I feel a little better, and will go and enter my numbers, just like I do every day. After all, what am I going to do, give up or something? Not a chance, especially since I just took a trip to Target and bought a bunch of super-on-sale smaller clothes. It just felt like the thing to do, that I believe in myself that much that I will fit into those clothes within a year, maybe sooner. Foolish? Maybe. But it's something that I really wanted to do, if only to remind myself that I don't have to be stuck wearing the same funeral wardrobe all the time. I bought clothes with cute patterns in lovely colors (yes, colors!)...

Anyway. That's what's up with me. I hope all is well with you.

Yours in blood and guts,


Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Reality Check

Weight: 324.6
Total weight lost: 25.4

OK, so there you go. Just like you don't lose two pounds overnight, you don't gain it, either. These are the realities of daily weighing, and I am totally fine with it.

I had sort of a rough day, though. I really wanted to eat, and eat. It turned out OK, and I didn't overdo it at all, just felt like it. Not every day can be easy or super hero-like. I'm also surprisingly without many words tonight, either. But I did want to check in and say hello, and say that I was up a bit on the scale, and that it did not ruin my day nor ruin my resolve to achieve the goals I have set for myself. Man, I am determined to go all the way like I have never felt before; it's pretty amazing to have this inside me.

I wish all of you a wonderful evening. Tomorrow's a new day.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Holy Crap!

Weight: 323.2
Total Weight loss: 26.8
Total Money saved:

OK, I HAD to post first thing today because, um? What??? Another almost two pound loss. Damn, that snow shoveling is like a magic elixir. Only once I stop shoveling, it'll probably all come back and normalize. Or something.

And to show you how normal I am indeed, I totally wolfed down a 5 oz. piece of milk chocolate yesterday. Granted, it fit into my calories, but really was not the best choice to make, not to mention that I "secret" ate it and really just about inhaled the sucker. That's just the sort of behavior I am trying to correct. After two months, I think I still need to give myself more time to alter behavior that was 30 years in the making, no?

Perhaps I will post more later, but I just had to share this little bit of sweet success with you.

Yours in snowballs,


Sunday, March 9, 2008

Snow Shoveling Mania

Weight: 325
Total weight loss: 25 pounds
Total money saved $149 ($89)

Well. Can I just say how much I love to shovel snow now? I guess I never thought about it in these terms before, but while I don't despise exercising or anything, I do see it as kind of a waste of energy that could be directed into something productive. Shoveling snow this weekend totally proved that to me. Yesterday I shoveled for a total of and hour and forty minutes; today I did another forty-five minutes (we had at least two feet of snow total!) and it was really satisfying. I got a good workout, and I got something accomplished that needed done.

So now I am thinking, damn! How stupid have I been? When I clean house, I generally really get into it and sweat quite a lot and really DO it. I know as I get more fit and lose more weight, I will need more of a challenge (I suppose I could always turn it into a race or something), but for now, my house could be spotless and I could get some regular exercise in and feel doubly good about it.

Anyway, I guess I am so excited by this realization is because I lost yet another pound. Holy crap, that's pretty cool. And let me tell you, this was after a day of homemade pizza and some fudge. However, add in the snow shoveling, and what do you get? License. Yeah.

The cumin chicken with apples recipe I tried making yesterday was a bust, sadly. It was just too bland for my taste to waste calories on. Also, maybe I just really don't care for dark meat anymore; the drumsticks kind of turned me off overall. So later, I made a batch of pizza dough and baked a fucking yummy pizza, with garlic, homemade sauce, onions, mushrooms, and a generous helping of cheese. I fit that mother right in to the scheme. OK, I am feeling a little high and mighty today, I admit it.


On the money front, I spent about $25 on makeup today. I probably shouldn't have done that, but I want to start wearing makeup regularly again and all my other stuff is pretty old and spent. I also got the new issue of Vogue with Drew Barrymore on the cover. I haven't really read any fashion mags in the past few years and I don't know, it was an impulse buy. $5! Just the sort of thing I am trying to train myself out of. A few days ago, I spent about $20 on earrings on Etsy. Hm. I'm getting careless, and I still haven't done my class assignments. Boo!

I'm not giving up. I've already made enough progress that it would be stupid to let a few small transgressions upset the apple cart completely.

Yours in attitude adjustments,


Saturday, March 8, 2008

You Didn't Lose Me!

Weight: 326.0
Total weight loss: 24 pounds
Total money saved: $145 ($84)

Hi! It's been two days since my last post, after having posted every day since I started this blog... for no particular reason; things are still going along as usual. Really good, in fact. As you can see, I'm down another couple pounds for a total of an unprecedented six pounds this week! A couple days that included shoveling copious amounts of snow (with more to come this weekend), and getting my period no doubt contributed to the more-than-usual loss. Whatever the reason, I will take it! Heck, I'm almost halfway to my monthly goal already and it's not even the the 10th yet! Hopefully it will stay off. Lord knows I've been trying despite many times wanting to say, "Oh fuck it, I'll have a treat day" or whatever. Instead, I've been having pretty much whatever I want, but in portions that fit into my plan. I still find this incredibly novel, but it does seem to work. Like, yesterday, I got a Pizza Hut Personal Pan Pizza after figuring out that at about 560 calories for the Veggie Lover's (my favorite anyway), I could easily fit it in for lunch anytime! That was really nice to know, because pizza is the one food I could seriously eat every day and not get sick of it. And I really dig it when foods are already portioned for you so there's no question about intake, and no problems with leftovers.

That bug I got is still hanging on a bit, which is annoying, but I am feeling much better. I'll probably go out and shovel snow today just so I can eat more calories, what the heck. We're getting non-stop snowfall all day today (and had itmost of yesterday afternoon and evening), so there is plenty to do.

The pants saga continues! On Thursday I had a testing session as part of this rigorous interviewing process I am going through for a possible new job, and while I knew I wouldn't be interviewed per se, I did want to look fairly professional. So, on a hopeful whim, I decided to see if those other pairs of pants I have in my closet that I thought would take another 10 pounds to wear comfortably could work. Boy, was I ever surprised! Both pairs fit! One almost perfectly but needed hemming desperately (I'm talking three inches too long, at least), so they were out. The other pair were a leetle tight, but totally wearable and looked niiiiiice with their pretty, flowy wide legs and a tiny bit of metallic thread throughout for added flair. (OK, so I am making them sound hideous, but trust me, they aren't. Just some nice trousers with totally unobnoxious details.) I am so. Happy. About. This development. Now, I need to get some new shirts because I really, really need them. The horrible Lane Bryant is having a 40% off sale this weekend, so I may have to do some online shopping (the weather is making travel a total no-no).

Today I do plan to spend some time working on my budget stuff. I'm also going to cook some yummy food. I found a recipe for some cumin chicken drumsticks with apples (!) that sounds totally awesome. If it turns out well, I'll share it with you.

Until next time,


Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Walk the walk

Weight: 327.2
Total weight loss: 22.8 pounds
Total money saved: $143 ($82)

I felt really good today, and though it sounds totally ridiculous coming out of the mouth of a morbidly obese person, I feel lean. I know, hilarious, right? But I am still creeping downward on the scale (I reset it today, and it's working fine now, in case you were wondering), and I feel so proud of myself for what I am doing. This has always been such a difficult issue for me, and to realize the power of science, visualization and happy thoughts is awesome indeed. And today, I don't know. I just feel good. Who needs a reason why?

One thing that I have always been very conscious of is how I carry myself, especially as a very fat person. For me, it is important to walk tall and proud, chin up (though not too up, that would look silly), take strides and not shuffles, don't swing the arms too much, hips forward, tummy in, chest out... OK, OK, maybe not that extreme, but you get the idea. Fat or thin, I really can't stand how slovenly people are willing to look when they are out in public nowadays. (Yeah, yeah, OK, so I should stop wearing those brown corduroys that are always falling off my ass now, I know.) Sorry, but I am totally against sweats and slippers, even if it is just to the grocery store. I would totally love it if we went back to the formalism of say, the 40s, the 50s, even the early-mid 60s when ladies wore gloves and men wore hats. Sure, I love being able to get ready in five minutes flat if I need to, but all that sloppiness trickles down into the rest of our lives and makes us, well, sloppy. And blah.

That's no way to live, I don't think. OK, I pledge never to wear the brown corduroys in public again, *pinky swear*. What are you going to do?

PS I totally wanted to binge when I got home today, but I kept it to a minimum once again. I guess the PMS is really hitting me with cravings this month! Then, once I start eating I realize it's not as great as I made it out in my head, and reason returns. It's nice that it has been working that way so far.

PSS Today I remembered that the last time I lost a fair chunk of weight (60 pounds), I petered out in my efforts after about six months. So, I have another goal: to NOT throw in the towel so easily. In quantifiable terms, to surpass six months and still be going strong. I'm entering my third month now and with my resources in place I don't see myself giving up like that again. No sir. I am completely and utterly determined to do this and make it to the very end. You wait and see.

A Penny Saved

OK, the money saved thing? That first number up there is the total I now have in my savings account. $82 is in there through my weight loss efforts, and the rest is bonus funds which I will add to when I can. My object is to save at least $1000 for my emergency fund so that I never have to rely on credit cards in emergency situations again, like when I had to get my car worked on a few months ago and got approved somehow for a Goodyear card. Once you've committed to a debt-free life, the first step in that Dave Ramsay thing is to accumulate $1000 in emergency funds. So this will be a great way to achieve that. And honestly? The weight loss trip has far overtaken the personal financial success trip in my efforts, I admit it. Have I still been writing down everything I buy? Yes. Have I done anything with the data? No. Have I been reading the lesson material over at my online budgeting class? Yes. Have I been doing the hard work I need to do on it? Well, no.

So far I have caught up on my household bills totally. Gas? Check. Electric? Check. Water? Check. Cable? Check. Mortgage? Check. That is an achievement in itself, at least for me. But I still have so much to repair. I need to get caught up on old debts now and really make an effort to get them out of the way, or at least current. (Yes, current's good, because then I can start Ramsay's snowballing trick.)

But, I don't know... I am scared. I am always so scared about my finances. I just need to buck up, face the music, get to work. It helps to write it out here, but that's only getting halfway. Now I have to take some action... this is a checking-in to say, girl, you have to walk that walk.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

One Small Dragon Slayed, + PANTS

Weight: 327.6
Total weight loss: 22.4
Total saved: $82.00

I know the whole Internets has been waiting with bated breath to see what happened with the pizza craving last night. Well, I am pleased to say that I did not give in to my wanton desires and did not go over my calorie allotment yesterday! I had a nice cup of hot tea with a wee bit o' honey and went to bed early.

I'm quite pleased about this, but certainly not high and mighty. I know that one day, I too will succomb to a voracious craving. But it will be OK! For there is always a new day to look forward to and another chance to do good by myself. That's the beauty of living, I guess, as long as you have some days left.

My scale was acting mighty testy this morning. It kept showing that pesky ERR readout even though I was doing everything normal and correct. I hope this isn't a sign that it's on its way out already... it's less than two months old! I would think I could get a replacement for free, but you know how it is, starting a relationship with a new scale that might have a different, uh, understanding of what my weight is and all. Hopefully the current scale was just having a bad morning and will be back to normal tomorrow.

The Pants
Today was a small victory. I am wearing a pair of pants I haven't been able to wear in about nine months, and they fit better than when I first got them! They are my graduation pants, the ones I wore to my MFA ceremony. I remember that I bought them in a hurry and without trying them on because I thought I would of course fit into size 26s at Lane Bryant. Well, I was able to squeeze into them and even button them, but let me just say that I was glad to have a long flowy top on over it to hide how hideous those pants looked over my belly and ass. Today, I had no trouble zipping or buttoning them, and they look OK even with a regular shirt on. Also in my closet? I have at least three pairs of pants (nice ones, not crappy cords or whatever) that I should be able to wear in another ten pounds or so. Totally awesome, because my wardrobe has become so small and so boring that I can hardly stand it anymore -- a couple pairs of cords and casual pants, and nothing but black jersey knit tops. I'm so over that already, but I don't want to go out and buy new clothes for a while yet.

Let me tell you, though? When I get down to "regular" girl sizes? I am SO going to have a field day with fashion.

Yours in corduroy,


Monday, March 3, 2008

The Craving Monster

Well, here I am, just hours after that last epic post about food, sitting here craving a pizza. I wanted to post about it so that I can show you that I'm not all high and mighty or infallible or superhuman. Er, NO. I'm totally not, but I like to talk a good game to keep myself motivated.

Anyway, here I sit, already having eaten most of my daily alloted calories (mostly squandered on... wait for it... a Giant Chunky bar, of all things), and just feeling kind of empty but not really hungry. I'm not sure what I am going to end up doing, to be honest. I'd really hate to ruin this morning's elation on the scale with a prompt retreat back into the 330s... you can practically hear the cogs turning in my head here as I struggle...

I guess I will let you know what happens tomorrow. Whatever I do, I will make it a controlled, deliberate decision. I won't act all pathetic and whiny because I "cheated". That you can always count on me for, at least here on the interwebs. But, I also may come out of this PMS-induced stupor without a scrape. We shall see.

Godspeed, y'all.


What I Eat

Weight: 328.0
Total loss: 22 pounds
Total money saved: $82

I am high on public blogging and happy that I am making a connection with some people out there who are actually reading this. It does make a difference -- YOU make a difference to me and make this effort a much easier task. Thank you.

Look! I had a "big" loss today. Looks like all that pussyfooting in the low 330s was worth it. I'm hopefully well-ensconced in the 320s. Hooray. (But man, I still keep making typos putting me in the 200s or 100s... what's up with that?) I'm happy to have reached my monthly goal a few days ahead once again. I can only imagine how well I will do once I start adding some serious exercise into the mix.


A lot of times I read people's post on blogs or in on-line communities where they are still really hung up on certain foods, i.e. "I cheated today and had x, y, and z." It's a REALLY big pet peeve of mine. I feel very strongly that you should not have any foods verboten. I think it is very important to completely normalize all foods which is why I incorporate things like pizza, chocolate, steak, and mashed potatoes in my diet. The main difference between now and then is, of course, planning and accounting for what I eat and how much of it I eat.

To be honest, I can actually be pretty loosey-goosey with my calorie intake. I base my limit on the figure that The Daily Plate spit out for me based on my weight and height (which is 5' 8" in case you missed it the first time around). However, I am dubious of that number, which is just over 2,000 calories for a three pound weekly loss, especially since I tried a similar calculation over at that kind of annoying website SparkPeople. They figure I should have a range of 1600 to 1900 calories per day! They're probably closer to correct, truth be told, since I have been pretty steadily losing closer to two pounds per week, not three. And that's fine. I guess for me, following TDP's guidelines make me feel a little renegade, like I am having my cake and eating it it, too. And as long as I continue to lose weight, I don't think that's a problem at all.

So, I love food. I would qualify myself as a foodie, but not really a food snob. After all, I grew up in the region famous for things like chicken wings and roast beef on weck and its own unique style of pizza. We're full of fatties over here in Western New York, and you can understand why for the sheer number of pizzerias in any given square mile. I'm fairly well-traveled and can testify that I have seen no other area quite like this one when it comes to pizzerias. I would probably die of pizza starvation if I lived in Kentucky. . But at least they have BBQ!

I also like to cook and try new recipes. I've been on a big salmon kick since I started eating more healthfully. It It's fairly inexpensive (I can get a half pound filet for three or four dollars), it's incredibly delicious, and it's good for you. Plus, it's a simple, fast prep. I like to marinate it for a few minutes in a tablespoon of olive oil, salt, pepper, and rosemary. Then, a simple pan fry in a nonstick pan sprayed with Pam does the trick. Once the first side is browned, I flip it and add some minced garlic to the pan. I do like to get it a little crispy in the skin, so I just go by eye... oh, and I open it up a little bit with the spatula to let the insides get some steam. It's ready to go in less than ten minutes. I usually serve it up with roasted brussels sprouts and yams. Truly, that meal makes me feel completely decadent, but it's totally good for you.

For breakfast, I eat pretty much the same thing every day. I have two favorites: either McDonald's Fruit and Yogurt Parfait, or a plain old PB&J sandwich. In case you were wondering, I make my sandwich with whole wheat bread, one tablespoon of creamy peanut butter, and a tablespoon of one of those totally fruit spreads. Both these meals are fast and easy (I usually eat brekkie at my desk at work), and they totally keep me energized through lunchtime -- that was the biggest surprise I had!

Lunchtime doesn't vary a whole lot for me during the week, either. For ease, convenience, and budget-consciousness, I usually stick with one of any number of lean frozen meals that are available. I like to wait for them to go on sale, and pick up a bunch for sometimes as little as $1.00 each, but usually between two and three dollars, still not too shabby. (For a great forum on LiveJournal that reviews microwavable meals, check out the brilliant Micro_Eats community, brought to you by my pals Molly and Rich. I supplement those meals with some fresh veggies or fruit, and usually bring along a pudding cup for dessert. Mama's got a sweet tooth to feed, after all! ;)

Dinner varies, and I try to cook as often as possible. Lots of chicken and fish, roasted vegetables, rice, chili, stir-frys... and yes, sometimes takeout. We often have microwave popcorn for a snack while we're watching movies in the evening. Jolly Ranchers are a good, low-cal choice when the dreaded sweet tooth hits, intensely flavored hard candies at 20 calories a piece.

All About Treat Days

When I first started on this little journey, I used to have a "treat day" once a week, usually on Saturday. On that day, I would pretty much eat whatever I wished and however much I wished. It worked out OK in my head (and seemed to work OK on the scale) until I started weighing every day with the PhysicsDiet method. I soon realized that I would "gain" five or six pounds in the days following the free-for-all, and then it would take all week to get back to where I started again, and hopefully drop an additional pound or two. When I saw that hard data on the chart, I felt like such an idiot. I mean, sure it makes sense, but I had myself fooled because I thought that I needed this weekly reprieve from healthy eating. But all it did was set me back unnecessarily, week after week. Looking back, I wonder how much farther along I'd have been without all those "treat days"? Now I see them more as punishment, and see the value of never depriving myself of a particular food -- just that I make sure to fit it in, in a reasonable manner and plan for it when I can!

I spent the past couple weeks making up for that last "treat day" and it feels great to finally get past it. If I want to indulge, I think about why, and how I might be able to make it work within a normal day. This feels much less stressful and way more productive overall. After all, who really enjoys the aftermath of a binge?

Am I perfect at this? No. But these are the skills I am trying to develop so that all this becomes second nature, not to mention divided from emotion or self-value...

'Til tomorrow,


Sunday, March 2, 2008

Baby Steps

Weight: 331.2
Total loss: 18.8 pounds

Man, I am really getting sick of the 330s. I'm still within my goal time limit, but because of an out-of-control "treat day" earlier in the month, things have been going a bit slower than they needed to be. I just have to keep telling myself, "Slow and steady, slow and steady," but it is so easy to get impatient and anxious.

I am down about a pound today, my lowest yet. And while it is such a small amount, I felt like I could really notice a difference when I looked in the mirror. I'll bet every person who loses weight has a particular body part that they watch like a hawk to see progress... my part is the place directly below my boobs. It's where I always first lose weight, and it goes from there down the various rolls of my stomach, like an avalanche. My tummy overall is definitely shrinking, even if only I can notice it. When I bend down, there's so much less resistance which makes a number of tasks easier. I told C. one of the things I am most looking forward to when we both lose our weight is that we'll be able to get closer to each other when we hug. He's lost just about as much as I have already, even though he started a couple weeks later! Men!

Money Update

I guess I haven't written too much about my money situation, probably because it just doesn'tseem as interesting to me, and the results of my efforts aren't as quantitative. I don't think that I have mentioned anything about the online course I signed up for a couple weeks ago. It's called "Where Does All My Money Go?" and it's through the Genesee Community College and Edu2Go, which offers all sorts of interesting classes for just $79 each. You can see a listing of the courses here. So far, the money course is giving a lot of good, practical advice that you probably know already, but the instructor is also having the class do things like figure out your net worth, track all your expenses for a few weeks, write down your wish list of dreams, balance your checkbook... I'll wait for a total judgment of it until the end, but for now it is a good way for me to implement all the things I need to do to get my financial house in order. Speaking of which, I need to get caught up with tallying my daily expenses! I've kept every single receipt for every purchase I've made, but I have yet to log them. My wallet is bulging now with receipts. Unwieldy!

Also, I am happy to say that I made it through to another payday with a little money to carry over. Plus, I have some Paypal funds that I need to figure out what to do with (er, which bills to pay, I mean). I've had some extra funds in the past month because I gave up almost entirely one of my biggest hobbies, collecting Blythe dolls to make some money and to save money in the future. Not only are the dolls themselves expensive, but so are their accoutrements -- the whole shebang. Clothes, shoes, accessories, customizing... it can get really time consuming and expensive, even if you're like me and can make clothes yourself to sell to other collectors! I realized that I was spending way too much time and money on it, leaving me with not enough time for things like my art. One of my weaknesses is having too many interests and things that I enjoy doing/am good at, and it can get overwhelming and cluttered. I still have two dolls and kept some of my very favorite clothing items and things, but I cleared out a lot and made some extra money, which made me feel a lot better.

I have a long ways to go, but I am pretty close to my first money goal: getting totally caught up on bills, and paying them on time every time (this is including finally paying off my car, which should have been done in December, by the way...).

Baby steps all the time. Hey, I am already so much better off now than I was a short month ago... imagine how much better I'll be by April, or June, or November!

I'm excited, are you?

All My Devotion,


Saturday, March 1, 2008

8th Anniversary & the Raison d'Etre

Weight: 332.0
Total loss: 18 pounds

Today is the 8th anniversary of C. and me. We met on the internet (a small, indie pop chatroom), were "friends" for a couple years, and then, one day something shifted and we realized that there was something more to it than that. I drove down to Tennessee to meet him in person, and we've been together ever since. I love you, C.!

I think I am on an upswing with this bug, but still feel very crappy. As you can see, I am back down .2 pounds from yesterday, which is nice seeing how I probably went a bit over on the calories. But, I figure when you're sick the last thing you really should do is deprive yourself, right? I guess I just mean, I am still holding the course, but I'm not quibbling over a few extra calories while I am ill. , as long as I don't get too crazy.

So in the past few weeks I have noticed another correlation between budgeting and losing weight. When I am counting calories, I generally don't like to squander them, that is, I like to make sure that I am eating foods that I really, really like, otherwise, it's wasted, gone for no good reason. It's the same thing with budgeting. When I am writing every single purchase down, accounting for it, it really makes me stop and ask myself: "Do I really want or need this item? Is it going to be worth not having that cash in my savings, or to be able to pay off another bill? Will I regret it down the line?"

There's real value in becoming a conscientious consumer, of food or of money. You're really examining who you are, what has meaning to you, and why.

See, it's not just about fitting into size 8 jeans or having the nicest mansion on the block. It's about the very core of who you are and why you are here.

Until next time, hand me a tissue!