Friday, October 31, 2008

Doing OK

Weight: 308
Total Weight loss: 42 pounds

Well, it's a step in the right direction, but I am still a little, like, ugh.

I had a good day overall yesterday, though I did go over allotment by about 150 calories, nothing to be upset over. Dinner consisted of pan-fried tilapia, roasted brussels sprouts with sweet potatoes, and a nice salad. I gave C. some candy for Halloween, but only had a handful of Whoppers -- that's where the excess cals came from. I got home a little later than usual and so we ate a little later, which meant that it was easy to not worry about snacking.

It's funny, we've got candy galore, but I'm not worried about it at all.

I did some more thinking about the bulk eating issue. It's also tied to the secret eating I still sometimes do. When I'm eating in secret or just on my own, maybe part of it is the potential for getting caught, or knowing that I only have a certain amount of time? So during that time I would try to eat as much as I can. It's such a weird thing and probably very difficult to understand unless you've experienced it. I'm trying to figure out what my triggers are, because many times I can eat like a "normal" person and feel really good about it -- in fact, it had become normal for me there for a while, and I didn't really have to think about it much, if at all. I guess if I knew what enabled me to enter that mental state, my problems would be over. Maybe someday it will become clear.

In the meantime, I just have to keep on keeping on, learning from mistakes, accepting my flaws, celebrating my successes, and most important: loving myself in the NOW and not just waiting until I am thinner and more "worthy". That's a mistake I think a lot of people make -- they can't love themselves as they are. It's taken me years to feel that way, but I can say now that I honestly do love myself no matter what.

What good have I done in the past few days?

• Been more mindful of my food choices
• Drank 80 oz. of water each day
• Exercised consistently
• Got back to more whole foods in my diet
• Learned something from each misstep
• Started blogging regularly again!

It may not show on the scale, but overall I'd say I've had a good week. I'm proud of what I have been able to do.

Thursday, October 30, 2008


Weight: 309.4
Total Weight loss: 40.6 pounds

Ah well. Last night was a bust. A total bust. I was all ready to have some leftover chili for dinner when I let myself be talked into Pizza Hut instead. I'm not placing the blame on anyone but myself, but I did tell C. this morning amid tears that I really need him NOT to do that to me again, that is ask if I want to get take-out when he knows I am trying to eat right.

Because, like, even getting Pizza Hut could have worked just fine into plan, that's the irony! I had plenty of calories left to work with and I would have been able to eat half the large pizza I got (eh, coupon special, I know). But no. Yes, you're reading this right: I ate a whole large pizza last night by myself. Full disclosure and honesty is what you get in this blog. And there it is. Even after my cheer session, I still found it in myself to blow it with a large Veggie Lover's Pan Pizza.

I'm feeling better now after having a little break down this morning, crying and saying how sick I am of being fat and how ridiculous it was, what I did last night. Look, no beating myself up, I'm back on track today and have made it very clear at home that I am eating healthfully for at least the next few days. Considering what I ate, the gain could have been much worse, and I really could have just totally given up everything and continued on my path to ruin.

But things are fine. This is never a perfect process, and I will never be perfect, and that's OK as long as I always pick myself up and keep trying.

Seriously, though? I'm not sure how I actually fit a whole large pizza in my tummy. I was actually more than satisfied after half the pizza (which would have kept me within my day's allotment, believe it or not), but just kept eating. I was feeling anxious, I guess; I didn't want to have leftovers; I don't know. I guess it never crossed my mind that I could have frozen the leftovers or even just thrown them out! Food and eating anxiety is an odd thing.

Not to mention, in another fit of honesty, that look: I like to eat in bulk. It sounds disgusting, it IS disgusting, but if all things were equal, I would eat and eat and eat. Even though it makes me feel crappy afterward and in general when done on a regular basis. I don't know what void I am looking to fill -- that is something I could hash out with a therapist, I guess -- but I like me some nom nom nom.

It's impossible to expect that someone can effectively deal with and solve this kind of problem in a matter of months, I suppose, especially when said person has had this problem for most of her life. I should really invest in figuring out what the underlying problem is, don't you think?


Today I had a fine eating day and have plans for a good evening. This morning I got out and walked for just over 30 minutes despite freezing temps and a pair of legs that felt like lead, along with the same shin and instep pain I had yesterday. I ended up going at a pace almost as slow as when I started the C25K program back in March, that's how bad it was. Safe to say that tomorrow will likely be a rest day, and I will try again on Saturday.

The important thing about all this stuff is that I am not giving up. In fact, right now at this moment I barely feel discouraged. I know that even when I make mistakes, I am doing other positive things at the same time. I know that with lots of practice, I am going to finally GET it.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Rah! Rah!

Go TEAM 2008!

Heh. I am giving myself a little pep cheer shortly before I head off home for the evening and face the challenge of dinner and evening snacking.

To self:

What you're doing? It's too important to keep messing up for dumb reasons. This is REALLY important. Stop screwing up and having to start over again the next day. A little consistency would be nice, love. Eat when you are hungry and don't eat when you're not. Honor your body as a vessel and don't denounce it as a cage.

Above all, love yourself and the people who love you.

Have a great evening. You'll be great, I just know it!



One Step Forward, One Step Back

Weight: 308.0
Total Weight loss: 42 pounds

Well, this morning's weigh-in wasn't much of a surprise. I ate well all day yesterday and then made the mistake of waiting too long to eat dinner, which by the time was ready to eat, I was starving. We're good cooks, so the food was very tasty, and I just totally overindulged.

The good news is that we made a stir-fry; however instead of the much more healthy "regular" chicken and veggie one we make, we chose our infamous Peanut Butter Chicken, which, as you can imagine is much higher in calories and everything else. The bad news is that I started out with good intentions and just caved the more I ate. We also had one egg roll a piece (not really necessary in retrospect), and to top it off, I had post-dinner snacks of a leftover biscuit (totally not worth it) and a bowl of popcorn (always good, but I wasn't hungry and definitely didn't need to eat it).

Well, lesson learned. I can't let myself get too hungry, else I am more likely to overeat. The Peanut Butter Chicken could have totally fit in to my plan, but I just ate too much of it. Way too much.

Some real good news is that this morning I went out for another walk even though the weather was the same as yesterday, only even colder. I laid there in bed debating whether to go out, and decided that if I had a dog I wouldn't have a choice -- I would have to take it out for a walk! Surely I myself am as worthy of braving not-so-great weather to get some exercise in, yes? So that's what worked for me this morning. I did a mile and a half of walking interspersed with one-minute bursts of running. I felt really sluggish, though; my insteps and shins were bothering me for most of the walk for some reason. But, I'm glad I got out there and did it regardless. Tomorrow the temperature is supposed to be a little warmer, so getting up and out should be a little easier. Not to mention that starting next week it should be easier, too, with the time change it will get lighter earlier! Being out there in the dark is sort of a bummer -- the whole time I can't help but think about horror movies and serial killers, you know?

Well, today's another day and I got a good start. It feels great to be more active, and to be getting into "gazelle" mode again (yet another Dave Ramsey term -- where you get so intense about achieving a goal, you're gazelle intense!). I just really have to watch out in the evening. A way I have figured out how to solve this is getting away from the TV so much, addiction to That 70s Show reruns be damned. Lately I have been thinking, "Well, the house is pretty tidy, and I don't have anything else that I really have to do right now, so... I guess I will sit on my ass and watch TV all night, as usual!" Ugh. That's got to stop. There are actually all sorts of things I can be doing with that time that would also prevent these evening snack attacks. Stuff like:

• Listing the books I have for sale on
• Going through my CDs and deciding what I don't want anymore, and list those, too
• Make art for my upcoming show in February
• Organize my office
• Sort through all my crafting supplies and decide what stays and what goes
• Strip and refinish that bookcase I garbage picked
• Sort through junk in the basement and clean it out
• Give a good cleaning to all the wood in the house -- floors, trim, doors, etc. (we have an Arts & Crafts bungalow, and it has beautiful original wood all throughout)
• Work on my personal finance plans

See, all kinds of stuff I can do with that time I waste in front of the TV. It'll be good to have this list to refer to when I think I have "nothing to do".

Onward and upward! I remain positive.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Life Goals

Way back in February I wrote in my LiveJournal about the importance of writing down your life goals, after having read something about that subject over at Millionaire Mommy Next Door. If you recall from when I first started this blog, I also had plans to overhaul my finances along with my eating habits, but the eating ended up taking precedence. One of the things she talks about is sharply defining your goals and your values: what it is you want, and what really matters to you. I've really only scraped the surface over there, but it got me thinking thoughts that I wanted to note for future reference. (So I said back in February.)

Anyway, I found these goals interesting to read. They are all still things I hope to achieve one day soon (though some will no doubt happen somewhere a ways down the line), and it was good to be reminded of them. I think everyone should have a list like this.

Without further adieu, here is my Life Goal List, with today's annotations in italics.

1. I want to catch up on all the recurring household bills and always pay them on time from now on (I still very much want to do this, but it hasn't happened yet -- I think I am getting close, though!)

2. Same for debts I have incurred (Ditto on this, though there has been progress; I've been studying Dave Ramsey)

3. I want to be able to be at home more often (This is something I am going to pursue at my annual review at work -- negotiating working at home a couple days a week)

4. I want to be free to travel (I'm not even sure how I could make this happen anymore, but it's definitely something that is still on my mind a lot)

5. I want to accumulate and always have on hand at least $10,000 as a cushion (Baby steps first, though! I'll start with $1,000 and work my way up)

6. I'd like to have more time to spend with family and friends (Also tied to money issues... if I have enough money saved, I wouldn't have to work as much...)

7. I want to be rid of extraneous crap in my life, and in this I am thinking about hobbies I enjoy but aren't worth the time and expense to me (Blythe dolls, I am looking at you!) (I have been working on this. I still have quite a lot to liberate myself from; it's just making the time to do it)

8. I don't want to live paycheck to paycheck anymore (Again, the money. I'm getting there.)

9. I want to focus on my art as my main pastime/hobby/vocation/whatever you want to call it (I go back and forth on this thought. It depends on the day, but yes, it would be pretty awesome to make my living as an artist above anything else)

10. I want to invest in other artists (I LOVE buying art, and do buy small, inexpensive pieces from time to time. I'd love to be able to really indulge in supporting my fellow artists someday, though!)

Obviously I still have a lot of work to do, but I think all of these goals are totally attainable within a few years if I focus hard enough and make the effort. Just like my weight loss and healthy lifestyle.

HYC Check-In: Getting back on track

Weight: 306.2
Total Weight loss: 43.8 pounds

Now this is more like it! Granted, still above my self-imposed 305/303 threshold, but a big step in the right direction. My body has clearly responded well to a day of good eating and this morning's exercise. What a relief.

For dinner yesterday I stayed true to plan. My boyfriend was making southern fried chicken (he's from Tennessee) and having biscuits and macaroni and cheese. I wanted to stay on plan and had plenty of calories left for one piece of chicken (boneless breast) and one biscuit; I skipped the mac and cheese and had salad instead. For dessert? A delicious Empire apple! Wow.

I'm not going to say that it was easy. There was a battle going on in my head all evening, and I felt a palpable anxiety over what I wanted to snack on. I kept telling myself, "You know that you aren't hungry. You just got used to a bad habit again, and now you're suffering withdrawal, is all. Ride it out and just don't worry about eating, because you're not going to anymore for tonight."

It was hard, but it worked.

This morning I was a trooper and got up a little early to get out for a walk. I say I was a trooper because the weather hasn't been the nicest lately -- very gloomy, rainy, and windy. We had a cold front coming through so it was about 40 degrees out, and the wind was whistling. On top of that, it was still dark outside, so it was kind of creepy overall. I got used to it, though, and did about half running and half walking for a half hour -- just over a mile and a half total. Not my fastest ever, granted, but at this point in time I am mainly interested in getting my body up and moving consistently than setting any records, personal or otherwise. I am happy to say that since Friday, I've been out every other day to exercise, which is what I am aiming for this week. I will keep it up, maybe even exceed that. We'll see.

So one day of concentrated effort really changed my outlook and think it is totally possible to get back down below 303 by the end of the week. And, I tell you: I'm going to keep going this time and not let the landmark 300 get to me mentally.

Thanks for your awesome, supportive comments these past few days -- they mean the world to me and help make what I am doing possible.

Monday, October 27, 2008

3:11pm Update

I have almost made it through the work portion of the day feeling good about losing some more weight and making the effort to eat more healthfully again. I am really conscious of my mind set and doing a lot of talking to myself. A time like this really benefits from dedicating one's self to taking one day at a time. Well, today I am breaking it up into two portions: work and home. Work is relatively easy to deal with as far as eating the way I really want to eat: I don't like leaving the office for lunch, so whatever I bring with me can dictate what I eat throughout the day. Today I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast, and for lunch one of my favorite starving college student meals: black beans right out of the can and into a bowl of rice, heated together. I didn't even add jarred jalapenos -- just straight. That's how I ate it back then, and it is still good and still filling at under 500 calories. I had a lowfat yogurt for dessert. Eating this way again feels good.

The real test will be at home. I'll be fine for dinner with plans of chicken, salad, and a veggie, but the evening will be telling. I think we are finally out of nasty snacks and I will probably spend most of the night in the basement making some art, but I am still steeling myself for possible slip-ups. I feel that today and tonight are really important as far as how well I can do the rest of the week. It will really set the tone, and I want to do well. I want to see anything below 310 on the scale tomorrow.

Anyway, I wanted to get this out there on the page. I wanted these feelings documented. I want to get back on track more than a lot of things right now. I gotta do good for myself.

Godspeed this evening! Will report tomorrow with results and a report.


Weight: 310
Total Weight loss: 40 pounds

Wow. This is really disappointing and scary! How can I do this to myself?

OK, I'm not crying about this and I am not beating myself up over it either. This isn't the result of taking baby steps and not seeing positive changes. No. This is the result of bad eating habit: too much of the wrong things. I need to start eating just the right amount of the right things instead. Today, I decided. I'm going to look back at all the things I was doing when I was having good results, and do them again. This includes things like tracking my food intake at The Daily Plate, entering my weight every day at Physics Diet (I have been doing that, actually, but I also want to start entering my daily calorie intake there again, too), and getting in some form of exercise at least three days a week. I'm going back to measuring food amounts more diligently instead of just guesstimating. All of it. I have to, because look how easy it is to go back to where I started almost a year ago! It takes a matter of days to slide back. And I just can't do that to myself again. Not to mention, I have clothes waiting for me on the "other" side -- I've got all my dark side clothes packed and ready to be sold and/or donated.

None of this has been easy, but a time like this is really when my mettle is tested. If I can bring myself away from this dark place now, I will be OK.

And I WILL be OK. I will.

Positive thoughts and vibes would be greatly appreciated. I want to get this 10 pounds off as quickly as possible, and your support will make it that much easier.

Love to all!

Friday, October 24, 2008

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

The Good: After over two weeks of relative inactivity, I got up very early and took a run by the moonlight and stars. I managed to run for 32 minutes and covered 1.78 miles. In addition to that I had five-minute warm-up and cool-down walking sessions. Overall, I covered almost two and a quarter miles, and it felt really good! So nice to challenge myself again and have my body come through for me even though I have been treating it like crap lately.

The Bad: The past few days I have been hovering just above my threshold weight of 305. This morning, even after the run, I weighed in a 307.8, a number I haven't seen in months. I was pretty horrified. What if I hadn't run this morning, then what? Eesh.

The Ugly: I've been eating like crap lately, falling almost entirely back into my old habits. I sure can feel the difference in my energy level, and just my overall feeling. In short, it sucks. I don't like feeling this way at all, and I don't like seeing the number on scale increasing like that, especially after maintaining for a couple months! Time to nip this thing once and for all.

I suppose I could make all sorts of sweeping changes and proclamations, but you know what? That hasn't worked for me so far, so I am not going to do it now. I don't honestly know how I am going to handle this situation exactly, but I am going to take action before the gain gets out of hand. Running this morning was a good start, and I am going to be very busy making art this weekend, so I won't have much time for sitting on my ass in front of the TV munching out on whatever I have made handy for myself. At the very least, I need to break the habit I rebuilt of evening indulgence -- crap I really don't need to eat every night like big bowls of ice cream (why did I even buy it?). Mind you, I am not demonizing ice cream, merely my inability to keep a half gallon in the house at this point in time. It just makes it too easy to veer off track. Who needs it?

Fortunately, my body is craving vegetables, believe it or not. I bought some salad fixings for tonight's dinner, and last night we enjoyed yet another new stir fry. Plus, with the economy the way it is, who can afford to fill themselves with junk?

*sigh* I'm just still not ready to give up. I have so much work still to do, and I am going to get there eventually, however long it takes!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008


This blog is getting repetitive and probably not very interesting. Every time I check in with you (if there is still anyone out there, that is), I've nothing new to say except Still hanging in there! Still maintaining!. Today is no exception, I am afraid. I still remain at or under the 303 threshold, which is great, right?

*sigh* Right. I guess.

I am trying to figure out how to get my zing back. I suppose tracking my eating again might do it, or what if I started over with the Couch to 5K plan, just to take baby steps? I can still run a good 20 minutes at a stretch, but why not try something easy that will ensure that I get back out there again regularly? Perhaps I will even improve my running by doing so, even. It's a thought.

I was very happy this morning to try on one of the last pairs of jeans I bought (a size 24, no big deal, but they were always a squee bit tight on me, at least compared to my other pants), and find that they fit me perfectly. For some reason I had it in my head that I wouldn't be able to wear them, which doesn't really make any sense since I haven't put on any extra weight since I first bought them. But you know how the psyche can be, sometimes a little cruel and with rather low expectations.

You know what I would really like? To lose some more weight! I really, really would. I want to see what I will look like with another 10, 20, 50 pounds off me. I want to see how I feel, for that matter.

Lately I've been tired all the time and while I am sure I can attribute some of it to my inability to sleep all the way through a night (thanks, cats! Not!), I think that a lot of it is that I have not been nearly as active as I used to be, and it's taking its toll. That's no good.

Hm. Maybe starting tomorrow I will start C25K again, do it every other day straight through. I'll be all like, "Pfft! This is EASY!" but it will be really interesting to see how fast I can run in those very short intervals.

We'll see! I also dedicate myself to tracking food intake for the rest of the week, no matter what.

Hope all is well with you.

Friday, October 10, 2008


Yes, that's in ALL CAPS.

I am still here, though it may not seem like it.

I am still maintaining, and last week Thursday I did dip below 300, even! I have remained below the 305 threshold this entire time, and mostly below the 303 threshold... just the past few days have I been playing with 304, which I think is lady-related, if you catch my drift. Because it can't have anything to do with that cheap-o half gallon of ice cream I bought at the beginning of the week that I have been gradually polishing off, no sir! ;)

Note to self: It's still not a good idea to have a large container of ice cream in the house, apparently.

Aside from that, things are things. They're fine. I'm getting out every so often to move my ass around. The other day I managed a pretty decent short run, which was surprising and pleasing. I haven't lost my fight, no way.

Anyhow, just wanted to poke my head in the door and say, "Hi! Thinking of you!"

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Two days in a row


Despite loathing the idea of leaving a very cuddly bed this morning (with an affectionate grey long-haired kitty, and C. of course), I got up at 6:30 and threw my gear on and headed out the door for a good walk. On the program, today is labeled a "rest or walk" day, so I just decided to do... whatever. Actually, shortly after starting, I figured I would try for a 40 minute brisk walk. In the end, I came up with 43 minutes and 2.32 miles. Nothing super-fast or PR-breaking, but a pretty good workout in which I ran just a quarter mile.

After last night's munch fest -- well, I wasn't too bad, just half a bag of marshmallows (ugh, I know, gross!), I was expecting to see at least a slight gain, but fortunately I stayed exactly the same as yesterday, which I was very pleased with. I'm also very happy to see the moving average at Physics Diet heading downward once more, and in the green!

My goal for today is fairly simple, and will be easy to implement: I want to do no snacking after dinner. I say that it will be easy to do because I have my dad and stepmom coming in from out of town tomorrow afternoon, and have a bit of tidying to do. If anything, I will be burning a bunch of extra energy units! ;) I'm really hoping that this will put me under 300 again, and maybe even for good. Yes.

Ah, wearing size 22 dress pants today, very nice! They are snug, but not obscene or unseemly... at least I hope not! ;) Fresh out of the wash, too. Now that's progress.