Thursday, October 30, 2008


Weight: 309.4
Total Weight loss: 40.6 pounds

Ah well. Last night was a bust. A total bust. I was all ready to have some leftover chili for dinner when I let myself be talked into Pizza Hut instead. I'm not placing the blame on anyone but myself, but I did tell C. this morning amid tears that I really need him NOT to do that to me again, that is ask if I want to get take-out when he knows I am trying to eat right.

Because, like, even getting Pizza Hut could have worked just fine into plan, that's the irony! I had plenty of calories left to work with and I would have been able to eat half the large pizza I got (eh, coupon special, I know). But no. Yes, you're reading this right: I ate a whole large pizza last night by myself. Full disclosure and honesty is what you get in this blog. And there it is. Even after my cheer session, I still found it in myself to blow it with a large Veggie Lover's Pan Pizza.

I'm feeling better now after having a little break down this morning, crying and saying how sick I am of being fat and how ridiculous it was, what I did last night. Look, no beating myself up, I'm back on track today and have made it very clear at home that I am eating healthfully for at least the next few days. Considering what I ate, the gain could have been much worse, and I really could have just totally given up everything and continued on my path to ruin.

But things are fine. This is never a perfect process, and I will never be perfect, and that's OK as long as I always pick myself up and keep trying.

Seriously, though? I'm not sure how I actually fit a whole large pizza in my tummy. I was actually more than satisfied after half the pizza (which would have kept me within my day's allotment, believe it or not), but just kept eating. I was feeling anxious, I guess; I didn't want to have leftovers; I don't know. I guess it never crossed my mind that I could have frozen the leftovers or even just thrown them out! Food and eating anxiety is an odd thing.

Not to mention, in another fit of honesty, that look: I like to eat in bulk. It sounds disgusting, it IS disgusting, but if all things were equal, I would eat and eat and eat. Even though it makes me feel crappy afterward and in general when done on a regular basis. I don't know what void I am looking to fill -- that is something I could hash out with a therapist, I guess -- but I like me some nom nom nom.

It's impossible to expect that someone can effectively deal with and solve this kind of problem in a matter of months, I suppose, especially when said person has had this problem for most of her life. I should really invest in figuring out what the underlying problem is, don't you think?


Today I had a fine eating day and have plans for a good evening. This morning I got out and walked for just over 30 minutes despite freezing temps and a pair of legs that felt like lead, along with the same shin and instep pain I had yesterday. I ended up going at a pace almost as slow as when I started the C25K program back in March, that's how bad it was. Safe to say that tomorrow will likely be a rest day, and I will try again on Saturday.

The important thing about all this stuff is that I am not giving up. In fact, right now at this moment I barely feel discouraged. I know that even when I make mistakes, I am doing other positive things at the same time. I know that with lots of practice, I am going to finally GET it.


K said...

Reading your post today brings tears to my eyes. I've been reading your blog for some time and have been encouraged by your progress as I am about the same, height, weight and age as you. But reading this today REALLY hit home as I've been consuming an entire bag of candy every night this week. I've never told anyone -- not even my therapist :). I wish I had some answers for you (and me!), but I do believe you're doing a great job getting healthy despite these bumps in the road!

Anonymous said...

Been there, done that, but we have to keep going. A "cheat" meal is better than "cheat" days because the days start to add up and before you know it the lbs creep back and we wonder where the heck time went. We can do this. We can be healthy.
Keep up the good work.

giyen said...

You're in a marathon, not a sprint. Slow and steady and consistent progress it what will be what makes the difference, not an occasional flub.

You are a brave girl and an inspiration!


s said...

Again, I'm right there with you.
I wish I knew how to not eat everything in front of me. (especially pizza and / or wings - seriously, I can't think rationally). If you put 3 or 4 "good" whole food days together you'll be back to yourself in no time.

I think I mentioned to you that I put back most of the weight I lost once again recently and it sucks. (17 - 20 lbs in about 2 -3 months) It sucks to have to go out and buy new pants. Now I'm committing to getting back on track, not because of the lbs, but because I like the way I feel when I eat in a balanced way.

Here is one more podcast / message board for you. I don't follow this "diet" but there are a lot of concepts around it that are great. The guy who came up with it is brilliant. Maybe you already know about this one?

Let me know if you ever got into listening to the inside out weight loss podcast. I did some digging, and the author is actually weight loss hypnotist. Kind of hokey, but the bottom line is training your mind to stop the conflict between the two yous: the one who wants to be slim, healthy and fit, and the one who wants to eat a large pie and kick back with food and relax.

I think soon enough you'll be back where you want to be. In the meantime, you are beautiful!