Tuesday, September 30, 2008

HYC Check-In: Back in the Game

Weight: 301.8
Total Weight loss: 48.2

I am happy to say that I started my exercise regimen again this morning -- in the dark, even! After writing yesterday's entry, I was truly inspired to motivate myself to JUST DO IT already. At some point one gets tired of sounding like a broken record or a lameass who is always saying that she will do x or y someday, but never does. So now, I no longer qualify as either one. Major points for myself, I'm not proud.

I decided to pick up again not with a running program, but with good old Hal Higdon's 10k walking program instead, giving myself the option of sprinkling each outing liberally with at-will periods of running. This morning prescribed a 30-minute walk, which I did. I managed to cover 1.72 miles, which is about a 17.25 mile pace. Not too shabby considering that I haven't been out in almost three weeks! I am so happy that I didn't lose all my fitness. If I keep it up, I'll be ahead of where I left off in no time.

The result on the scale this morning was also pleasing, and I really hope that I can get myself in the 200s again by the end of the week. My dad and stepmom will be visiting this weekend starting on Thursday, but I am sure I can still fit my regimen in.

The thing I really like about having taken a break from severe regulation is taking the focus off food in a negative way. Like, I have found that I can eat without having to count every calorie, or fret over it at all. Yes, I am mindful of what goes in my mouth, but it is no longer stressful or a big pain in the ass. I feel confident that I will continue to lose while eating like a "normal" person, that is, not doing the things I was just talking about. For me, this is key. Knowing that I can eat this way and not put on tons of weight this summer was practically a miracle. But now I know it really can be done.

I'm excited!

Monday, September 29, 2008

Staying Accountable

Sorry -- it's like every entry these days reads the same. Still maintaining, not exercising again yet. I have, however, set a new maintain goal. Instead of my threshold being 305 (which I have not hit yet), I'm lowering it to 303. Baby step, to be sure, but something. Honestly, I still desperately want my threshold to be 299 but I really haven't had it in me to get back down that far again. It's so close and easily attainable, though! Seriously -- all I would have to do is really watch the food for a couple days and go on my morning jaunts, and BAM! That'd be all she wrote. Hm.

It's really true, too. It'd be just that easy.

I'm doing fine, still kind of achey all over for no good reason, but I did get some things accomplished over the weekend. I found another pair of pants I can wear that were among a big mess of clothes in the basement, and threw them in the wash. I am still proud of being able to keep off the weight I've lost so far -- believe me, I can gain so much weight so quickly that this is a real, true HUGE accomplishment. I am much relishing in it, even after over a month of staying at around the same weight, weighing myself every single day. Since July 23rd, there were just two days that I weighed in at (just) over 305 pounds.

What, a plateau that I am happy with?

I am still eating more crap than I really should lately, but I am also having these automatic conversations in my head about how much I need to sate a craving, or whether eating a snack at 9pm is prudent... often times I end up making the better choice, and it's not difficult or regretful, which is a very new sensation to me. It feels real, as opposed to put on. I think I made it and don't really have to fake it anymore!

No doubt I will get back to more regular posting again soon. The cool weather approaches (yay!) and I will need something to do to keep me occupied, right?

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Still here!

Just wanted to do a quick check with y'all. I am still around, though I have been slightly removed from blogging and reading blogs (um, duh). I am still successfully maintaining, which I am very happy about -- this week my weight was between 301 and 304 at all times.

I still need to get back into some regular exercise. I've been in a bit of a funk and have some weird pain issues with my upper body (neck, shoulders, upper arms and back) since Monday... I am guessing stress is a factor there, but I don't really know. Yes, I also bet some exercise would help, I know... ;)

Anyway, hope all is well with everyone. I expect to be back to my regular self shortly.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

HYC Check-In: Still Under Limit

Weight: 304
Total Weight loss: 46 pounds

OK, this is much better than I thought, weigh-in this morning. As I stepped on the scale, I was like, "Ugh... probably like 307... be prepared to deal!", so it was no small thrill to see that I am still under 305, my threshold weight over which I must not step.

Today has the potential to be a good one. I started off pretty well with breakfast, just one of my usual from McDonald's: a Fruit n' Yogurt Parfait and an Egg McMuffin with no meat. Lots of protein, this meal keeps me satisfied well into the afternoon. I'm drinking my usual water (it's very rare that I drink anything but water at work), and need to figure out what to have for lunch and maybe even think about dinner.

One thing I really need to do in the near future is start planning meals and grocery shopping. It's a good idea for two reasons. One, planned meals equals a well-balanced diet; two, our budget is going to absolutely require it shortly (I am still working, no worries there -- I just prefer not to go into that particular portion of my life here and now). That doesn't help for today, though. I'll figure something out, but I think I definitely would like a nice stir-fry tonight for dinner.

Oh, and hey! I'd like to thank those of you who were so kind in the comments box yesterday... your thoughtful words really, truly made me feel much better about where I am at now. I am nowhere close to giving up on this, but sometimes it just feels so dire, so impossible. It really helps to have awesome cheerleaders like you. So thanks, BIG TIME.

Maybe this will be a better week. I think it has potential.

Monday, September 15, 2008

I Don't Know What


I feel like I am totally gone. I don't like it.

I just read a few of my "regular" blogs, realizing that I had been missing out on a lot of updates, which upset me... that hasn't happened at all since I started up in January. It sort of feels like... I am heading down the slippery slope.

I have really not been watching my eating. I have not been walking or running. I haven't been blogging as much as I should. (I did do a lot of housework over the weekend, at least -- it was an all-day workout yesterday!) I forgot to weigh in yesterday and today before eating anything, so I don't even know exactly where I stand on that front. That's dangerous. I couldn't believe it when it happened this morning. There I was, happily munching away on my Cheerios, when it hit me: You haven't weighed yet, dumbass.

However, I will find out tomorrow and report it here. That is my promise to you. And to myself.

I'm definitely sad about all this. I know I have the power to start back again full-on at any time. I don't know why I haven't yet. I will. I WILL! I MUST!

Sorry, I can't help it: I suck.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Not Much to Say, But I Am Here Anyway

Weight: 302
Total Weight loss: 48 pounds

Hello! Herro!

Since I haven't had much weight-loss or fitness excitement in my life lately, I feel like I don't have much to tell you about. But, because I feel that blogging has been an instrumental part of my success so far, here I am. I don't want to let too much time go by between entries, thereby insinuating that I am gradually giving up the ghost.

No worries, I am not.

I've decided that it's kind of cool that I have been able to maintain my weight in the past month or two. It's been pretty easy, much to my surprise. It's nice to know that some of my healthier eating habits have stuck without really trying, AND that I can eat without tracking or really thinking too much, and still eat reasonably and not gain weight. So, I haven't been eating totally clean, as I have said. But, I haven't returned to my old ways completely, either. In fact, I find that a lot of that kind of food I used to live on doesn't have half the appeal it used to. Interesting! Nifty!

Doing the minimal is better than doing nothing, and seeing this plateau as an adjustment period is a really big step for me mentally... sort of like how Andrew from Andrew is Getting Fit (see sidebar for a link to his awesome blog) was talking about not freaking out because his weight has been stabilized and even going slightly up, but seeing it as part of a much larger, ongoing process... this is so true, and such a constructive way to look at it. Like Andrew, there have been many times in the past when a series of weeks like this would have me so discouraged and depressed, and I would have thrown in the towel. Not now, though! Now I am proud to have been able to maintain my weight and prepare myself for the next phase. Hm, maybe I should take it 50 pounds at a time in general, giving myself a reprieve at each milestone?

What I have been doing:

• Drinking water
• (Mostly) avoiding nighttime snacking
• Balancing out each day's eating (i.e. if I have one "big" or "bad" meal, I am trying to eat well the rest of the day, and/or reset mentally for the next day)
• Taking one day at a time
• Being kind to myself
• Weighing daily to keep myself on track and accountable (this is HUGE one -- it is easy to let things go when you are ignorant of the facts)
• Trying to be more active in my regular daily life (housework & yardwork, etc.)
• Walking and/or running 2 or 3 times a week -- not the best, but something. OK, so this week I didn't, but there's always tomorrow to get a nice walk in...
• Blogging and reading other blogs!

It's nice to know that I do not resemble my old self a whole lot anymore. That list totally confirmed it.

Thank you, btw, for the wonderful, supportive comments the other day. They obviously helped a great deal. xoxoxo, You guys are the best!

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

HYC Check-In: Hanging on for Dear Life

Weight: 302.2
Total Weight loss: 47.8

I am keeping my 50 pound bling in the sidebar even though I have been dancing around it for weeks now. I've been slightly under, slightly over, and right on the money for the past month or so.

To be honest, this morning's weigh-in felt like a gift. I got back up to 304.2 a few days ago which really freaked me out... if anything, I must, must, must stay under 305 at all costs. Of course, lower is better, but that is the absolute threshold right now. It just is.

I'm not sure what is going on with me lately. I guess it is the constant, low-level blues I am experiencing after losing my stepdad, but it is not really the excuse. I have not been emotional eating; I think it has been more about laziness or not wanting to take the time to plan meals or even cook.

That said, I'm obviously doing something right if I able to maintain as I have been. The nighttime snacking has not been an issue, for one. Another is that I do try to make it so that I only have one big meal each day -- so that if I indulge at lunch, I have a lighter dinner and so on.

Unfortunately the exercise has been out the window. I had my last run on Thursday and nothing since then, except yard work last night. (It counts! I sweat and toiled, believe me!) I'm sad to report that running has lost a little appeal for me at the moment, but I do also think that it is just temporary. The depression I am experiencing is also causing fatigue and poor sleep, so the last thing I want to do is get out there for a run -- probably the thing I need to do most, too! Such a battle sometimes, all this is.

I just want you all to know that I absolutely refuse to give up. I am NOT going back to living the way I was, and I do not want that body I had 50 pounds ago ever again. Talk about uncomfortable and unpleasant! I keep thinking about those size 20 jeans I have waiting in the closet for me to start wearing a few pounds down from now, and all the options I will have in the not-too-distant future. I have to keep these things in mind in order to fuel my will to keep progressing and seeing new successes. It'll be totally worth it. It IS totally worth it now.

Until I get my mojo back, I will keep maintaining and getting used to a 300-pound body vs. the old 350-pound one. I have to remind myself that it is OK to take a rest on a plateau once in a while -- climbing this proverbial mountain is hard work, after all! I'm taking my time and giving my body the chance to adjust to its new form. So what if I had originally hoped to lose 100 pounds in a year and I only lost, say, 70 (which seems likely), or even "just" 50? It's still a great accomplishment, nothing to beat myself up about. This is not a race; I can take my time as long as I don't lose my footing and backslide completely.

My new mantra: Keep your eyes ahead and above; don't look down, and for god's sake, DON'T LOOK BACK. The future is where it's at, and you have the power to create it as you see fit.

I am not in the habit of it, but am asking for some positive/inspirational/supportive feedback. I need you guys more than ever right now. Tell me something good, please? Many thanks in advance.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Back to Active

This week has gone pretty well, though definitely more so on the exercise front. Yesterday I got in a nice 2 mile walk at about an 18:30 pace, and today I did a 1.5 mile run at a 16:40 pace! Nice! Coincidentally, today's run was an exact copy of the last run I did before my "Basil Hiatus" a few weeks ago: Same time starting and finishing, same distance, same route. I was pretty shocked to see that, how funny! It was also pretty awesome that I was able to get back to where I left off so quickly. I'm going to be sure to incorporate week-long breaks from running every couple months, I think. I can just picture all those muscles renewing themselves and becoming stronger, like on a CSI episode or something...

My runs are still never easy, though. Make no mistake. It was a struggle to get out of bed this morning and I kept having negative thoughts cycling through my head ("I can't possibly run 1.5 miles today," etc.), but I knew if I didn't get up and out there I would really regret it for the rest of the day, and who wants that hanging over her head? Not me. As usual, I kept telling myself to just try to make it to the end of the next segment (usually a block or at an intersection), and that I could always walk if I wanted to... at one point after the halfway mark I almost did walk a bit, but resisted and pushed through. Of course after that, things got better.

But yeah, it's never easy. I think that is part of the reason why I favor running over walking.

My eating continues to be so-so, not great. Still mindful but not always making the best decisions, yet trying to make up for indiscretions with subsequent meals, keeping up exercise. Whatever I can do NOT to revert back to the old way of living. This week marks eight months of my project and I am not letting up, the longest I have ever stuck with something like this, ever. I am proud of that.

Keep on keeping on, one day, one meal at a time.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

HYC Check-In: Holding steady, again

Weight: 300.2
Total Weight loss: 49.8

Though I am slightly up from a few days ago, I'm considering myself doing fine and holding steady, still. We had a few days of pretty crappy eating again, so considering that I am happy to still be where I am today. I am back into my healthy ways today, and started my day with a nice 2 mile run-walk, about 2/3 running and 1/3 walking. Seeing how I haven't been out in 2 and a half weeks, this was a great accomplishment -- and I actually hadn't planned on running at all today. Once I was out, I found that I couldn't resist trying, and once I started, the running felt very comfortable. In fact, as it turns out, even with the walking included, my pace has stayed about the same -- 17 and a half minutes per mile. I was very pleased and not totally zonked or anything.

I'm starting off repeating Week 3 of the Hal Higdon 5K running plan for novices. I had been into Week 4 when I last left off, so that's not too bad.

I think I will see some real progress on the scale this week. I'd love to have a big loss for the month, shooting for 10 pounds if I can. It's been a while since I've done that, but I think it is totally possible if I stay on target with my active goals. I can do it!

Hope all is well with everyone out there.