Tuesday, September 9, 2008

HYC Check-In: Hanging on for Dear Life

Weight: 302.2
Total Weight loss: 47.8

I am keeping my 50 pound bling in the sidebar even though I have been dancing around it for weeks now. I've been slightly under, slightly over, and right on the money for the past month or so.

To be honest, this morning's weigh-in felt like a gift. I got back up to 304.2 a few days ago which really freaked me out... if anything, I must, must, must stay under 305 at all costs. Of course, lower is better, but that is the absolute threshold right now. It just is.

I'm not sure what is going on with me lately. I guess it is the constant, low-level blues I am experiencing after losing my stepdad, but it is not really the excuse. I have not been emotional eating; I think it has been more about laziness or not wanting to take the time to plan meals or even cook.

That said, I'm obviously doing something right if I able to maintain as I have been. The nighttime snacking has not been an issue, for one. Another is that I do try to make it so that I only have one big meal each day -- so that if I indulge at lunch, I have a lighter dinner and so on.

Unfortunately the exercise has been out the window. I had my last run on Thursday and nothing since then, except yard work last night. (It counts! I sweat and toiled, believe me!) I'm sad to report that running has lost a little appeal for me at the moment, but I do also think that it is just temporary. The depression I am experiencing is also causing fatigue and poor sleep, so the last thing I want to do is get out there for a run -- probably the thing I need to do most, too! Such a battle sometimes, all this is.

I just want you all to know that I absolutely refuse to give up. I am NOT going back to living the way I was, and I do not want that body I had 50 pounds ago ever again. Talk about uncomfortable and unpleasant! I keep thinking about those size 20 jeans I have waiting in the closet for me to start wearing a few pounds down from now, and all the options I will have in the not-too-distant future. I have to keep these things in mind in order to fuel my will to keep progressing and seeing new successes. It'll be totally worth it. It IS totally worth it now.

Until I get my mojo back, I will keep maintaining and getting used to a 300-pound body vs. the old 350-pound one. I have to remind myself that it is OK to take a rest on a plateau once in a while -- climbing this proverbial mountain is hard work, after all! I'm taking my time and giving my body the chance to adjust to its new form. So what if I had originally hoped to lose 100 pounds in a year and I only lost, say, 70 (which seems likely), or even "just" 50? It's still a great accomplishment, nothing to beat myself up about. This is not a race; I can take my time as long as I don't lose my footing and backslide completely.

My new mantra: Keep your eyes ahead and above; don't look down, and for god's sake, DON'T LOOK BACK. The future is where it's at, and you have the power to create it as you see fit.

I am not in the habit of it, but am asking for some positive/inspirational/supportive feedback. I need you guys more than ever right now. Tell me something good, please? Many thanks in advance.


Anonymous said...

Hang in there! 50 lbs is no small potatoes! That is already a fantastic accomplishment. Try and get some activity in soon... it always makes me feel a ton better!

Alexia@theonelastthing.com said...

Hang in there -- it's a great accomplishment! Speaking for myself, I tend to psych myself out when I get near or across "big" scale goals -- helps me to focus on some non-scale victories for a while! You rock!

Quinn said...

Hey! I think I found your blog via Runners on livejournal. I've been following your progress, and reading your blog actually inspired me to join this Healthy You Challenge, too! 50 pounds is amazing!!! Stay tough, stay strong, STAY POSITIVE! You're inspiring others out there, too!

Kate said...

Hang in there. I swear there's some sort of big physiological wall at 300. We'll scale it!

SeaShore said...

You're doing great! You'll stay under 305 because you want to. Don't let the plateaus and fluctuations get to you; maintaining for a bit is a great idea so your body can catch up.

BikiniMe said...

Tell you something good ... okay, how about this: you are one of the most inspirational and FUN people I've encountered in the blogosphere. I visit you almost every day. :)

I think you're AWESOME and doing such a great job of not only losing the weight, but keeping your head on straight about it all. I love how you are focusing on forming life-long habits and thinking about how what you're doing is going to fit into your life. You Rock!!

Plateaus are hard -- I've been on one for 3 months -- but the fact the I've maintained a stable weight (give or take just a few pounds) gives me a great feeling. Hang in there, keep breathing.

Oh, and keep blogging. I love reading your entries. :)

Elaine said...

You are doing AWESOME! This is a rough time, and just holding on to your weight loss is an amazing achievement. Be gentle & patient with yourself, and there are a bunch of us here (and at Physics Diet!) around to cheer you up and cheer you on. Don't worry so much about running, just get outside for a little wander to enjoy the beginning of fall.

(If your symptoms of depression get too severe, please don't hesitate to seek professional help. You may also find the book "Feeling Good" to be useful.)

Michelle said...

You are so, so right. Surviving those times when we have a lull in motivation and inspiration without going back to our old habits - that's the key to success. Great job!