Sunday, April 20, 2008

It Ain't All Puppies and Rainbows

I feel like a total sham. I am usually pretty enthusiastic and positive on this blog. It's a way to help me really cement those ideas and feelings in my head, and to help me succeed. But the reality is that some days are really, really hard, or that I outright completely go back to my old ways of dealing with life via food.

OK, so yesterday morning I was feeling invincible. I had an amazing run and a great weigh-in. It was a pretty good week overall, actually. If I only knew that 24 hours later it'd be a totally different story.

I weighed in at 323 this morning. It has nothing to do with gaining muscle from exercise, or those pesky daily weight fluctuations that "just happen"; it's because I fucking totally ate poorly yesterday, no excuses. C. decided he wanted to have a Treat Day, but I wasn't. We had a fairly indulgent lunch, which was going to be it for me for the day except for things like fruit and veggies. And it would have been fine. But then, well into the evening, I just broke down and started eating. All told, it wasn't a huge binge or anything, but just pretty heavy stuff that should really only be ingested in small doses. I knew when I was doing it how stupid it was, but I just kept on going anyway. I knew that I was sabotaging my ability to reach my next goal, which was right there for the taking, so simple: to get below 320. I was almost there, dammit! It's been weeks that I have been playing with the same five pounds, at a stage where the weight could really be still coming off steadily.

This morning has been a nightmare, and that added stress is making me feel like a) Having a repeat of yesterday, or b) Eating just about nothing. Option "b" is where I am headed, even though I've already eaten a few handfuls of Cheez-Its (I know, great breakfast!) and even though I know it is not the healthiest reaction to the circumstances. Yet, I prefer that to facing another day of bad food choices. I'd rather just abstain, you know? *closes up the box of Cheez-Its*

You see, we don't deal well with noise, and unfortunately our one set next-door neighbors are probably the cause of the most noise we get: they have a small child and frequently have an abundance of nieces and nephews over in the summertime... they just got a Siberian husky puppy who howls the whole time it's left alone... and now they are having their roof replaced by workers who think it is a grand idea to get started at 8am on a Sunday! (Yesterday they arrived at 9:30am.) Both of us feel fairly helpless and then we end up infighting. So now, I am so frazzled I just want to peel my skin off. And we thought owning our own home would offer us peace and quiet!

Anyway. This is the worst sort of stress-related desire to eat I've had since I started in January. It sucks. I honestly don't know how the day will end, but I'm going to try my best to find a honest, healthy way to deal with my feelings.

Think good thoughts for me, if you like. And you can tell me what good thoughts I can think for you, and I will.



Lynne said...

Just to let you know that i am sending happy positive thoughts your way. I had a really bad day yesterday which was totally down to emotional eating so i understand. Before i even managed to get myself out of bed this morning i had to give myself a little pep talk. I had to pick myself up and carry on - there was just no other way around things. So i got up, got dressed and am now at work.

Sarah J said...

There must be something in the air. I had the biggest unhealthy eating day in a LONG time yesterday. Yeesh.

Sorry I haven't been around to check in... my wireless network went haywire and I've only been able to check email on my phone. Sheesh.

You're doing GREAT. NOt sure if you watch The Biggest Loser, but I was struck by a passing comment by the winner when they were doing her montage before they announced the winner... she said "every day I have to struggle to do this"... and here is a woman who lost almost 1/2 her body weight, had a $250,000 prize within her reach..and she still struggled.

So, this is just part of the process, I guess.

Hang in there.


p.s. I've cut/paste this comment to send to myself. Funny how we can see it FOR others, but rarely for ourselves.

Elaine said...

Also sending lots of positive thoughts. You can do this. Think back to your last run and feel the goodness of that memory. Then think forward to your long-term goal. And be patient with yourself.

About those might want to take some time to brainstorm some positive things you can do about the situation. (perhaps a noise complaint to the city about the dog? or even just walking over & talking to them, assuming they're not totally crazy.)

Good luck, you're doing great. :)

Anonymous said...

hang in there, amy! i know you can break through to the teens!! you have done such amazing work so far, especially tackling the c25k program. you will break through, i know it!

Emily M said...

I completely relate to the same five pounds over and over and not breaking through - it is killer. But it feels even worse to repeat the cycle again and/or get further away from your goal.

You are doing so well! Maybe Casey would take a walk with you, get away from the noise?

radiosilents said...

lynne: Thanks so much -- it must have helped! :) You do just have to give yourself a pep talk sometimes, and taking all the small steps that add up to the big ones.

sarah: I fully agree with that. I always told myself (and know from experience) that this is not always easy. But it's hard, when it's not going well, to keep that in mind! I'm trying to embrace the good and the bad to get through this.

Glad you're back! :)

elaine: I do try to hold onto the positive thoughts and remind myself of what I have already achieved and how stupid it would be to throw that all away. It really helps.

As for the neighbors, we'll see. I've already talked to the gal once about the dog, and I'm trying to pick my battles. Also, my partner and I have different thoughts about how to deal with this stuff, so that makes it a little more delicate, too...

Thanks for the good thoughts, I think they worked!

aslant: Thanks so much. I hope so! :)

em: Thanks, I am hanging in there and hope you are, too! And no, of course C. will not go on a walk with me. Don't be silly. ;)