Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Tired, but thoughtful

No weigh-in today: scale seems to be malfunctioning, alas!

I took a break from exercise this morning. Even though I had gone to bed at a reasonable hour last night, I had so much trouble waking up -- I just felt totally exhausted., and ended up staying bed until after 8am! Usually I am out the door to work by then. It's probably because it's TOM week; in fact I have no doubt that's what my problem is. Besides, it's good to let your body rest once in a while, so I'm going to be forgiving of myself. I did treat myself to a short walk to the PO boxes down the road from my office this afternoon, though. It's a cool, sunny, beautiful day, so while short, it was a refreshing, restorative activity.

I did eat nice and "clean" yesterday, and so far today. It feels really good.

It's funny how some people call it "eating clean". Of course it sounds like a recovering alcoholic or drug user, but it's really not such a stretch, as we all know. What I have always thought is that it's harder to have food problems because you have to eat, you can't just give it up cold turkey, or avoid it completely. But I was thinking earlier, it is better in the sense that if you have a day of missing the mark, it's not all that difficult to get back into your healthy routine. It wouldn't necessarily require a trip to rehab again, or whatever. I feel fortunate that is the case. Too often I have felt a slave to food, totally out of control and unable to regulate its intake, or plain just impossible to have a normal relationship with it.

Thankfully, those days are getting fewer and farther between. One of my biggest goals in this has been to just normalize my feelings about food, and to stop using food as a source of comfort, or as a reward or anything else. I have stopped demonizing certain foods as well as my behavior associated with food, i.e. I don't beat myself up anymore if I make a less healthy choice.

It's going to be a long journey, which I totally, completely, undeniably accept now. It takes time to fix what has long been broken, but I assure myself it can be done, with perserverence, desire, and hard work -- oh, and a little fun mixed in there, too. Rather than only changing my appearance, I am changing my whole being. I think that is the key. Superficial changes are destined to be fleeting, but the deeper you dig, the more complete the transformation will be. Mind, body, spirit.

This day of rest is in honor and appreciation of all these wonderful changes.

Thanks to all of you who are there to share them with me.


Cammy said...

How refreshing to think of a rest day as a reward and to spend part of it thinking of yourself so kindly! I suspect that will be especially energizing after rest day is over. Well done!

One of the most beneficial aspects of this "conversion" has been the acceptance of food as a tool, or resource, for energy. Doing that MOST of the time enables me to most thoroughly enjoy the occasional big splurge.

Enjoy the remainder of your rest day!

Sherri L said...

Here is someone for you to check out.

She's 42 now, and a couple years ago went from 350 to 150 doing just what you are doing now...

Anonymous said...

Enjoying some "me" time is also a good thing! Here's to taking back control of you! Have a great week!

jesse said...

i love the idea of a rest day! i wish i could enter into it with a zen feeling -- sometimes i feel petulant and bored with routine and find myself taking a rest day by defualt.

i too find the 'clean' eating phrase a bit funny. i like to use nigella lawson's phrase, temple food, which she makes more as a detox antidote to lots of booze and rich food. i think in the cookbook i have of hers, she makes a broth-based slightly spicy soup, which on some days sounds so perfect i could die!

Anonymous said...

Great post. I'm going through the same TOM mediated rut. It has been messing with me for about a week actually. I like your attitude about it.

Anonymous said...

One thing I could relate to is the idea of weight loss / fitness gain being a lifelong journey instead of a goal. Even if you're at the exact weight and fitness level you want to be on your 40th, it's still just the middle of the journey -- just another day.

I hate when I go weigh in and hear women complaining about a pound or how they didn't drink water all day before weighing. Why does it matter what we weigh at one exact point in time? Isn't it much better to focus on long-term, every day health rather than a number on a scale at 6:47 on Wednesday evenings?

Keep up the self-care!