Monday, July 21, 2008

A Recommitment, because I have to and because I want to

I need to regain that enthusiasm and pep I had when I wrote the last post. You know, the one where I'm saying how great balance is, and being able to do this whole thing without feeling deprived, etc. etc.?

Sometimes I feel like such a sham (or like that silly commercial, Sham-wow!)

Sham-wow!

No, I am not conning you. I'm not even conning myself. I'm chalking my feelings this morning up to a plain old bad day. I'm hoping that it won't last the whole day, though. My plan is to nip it in the bud by purging the ugly feelings into my blog. I need to keep telling myself, "I'm human, I'm fallible.. . and it's OK."

Sham-wow! What's going on, man?

Ugh. Not much. Just that getting on the scale this morning was a gross disappointment, even though I made the choice to totally eat dirty this weekend. Oh, it was all well and good when I was maintaining, but watch me show a few pound gain and the whole thing shifts.

It's not just the weight gain, though, it's also that I only ran two times last week and didn't pursue any other physical activities aside from gardening and housework (OK, I should cut myself some slack on that because I totally kicked my own ass on those!). So add two and two and you get the feeling that you're starting to veer off track, which is scary as all get-out.

Of course since I am here in my blog addressing the problem, I have no doubt that I will come through this little crisis better and stronger than before. But for now, for this morning, I'm feeling a little defeated. I'm sure PMS isn't helping matters, either.

My plan to get out of this funk and get back to business, even just for today (because sometimes that is all you can do), is to log my food today and watch my calorie intake. Honestly? After not having done it for a while, I think it will really make me feel better, more in control and more like I am actively doing something for myself. Also, I am recommitting to starting Hal Higdon's 5K Training for Novices running program tomorrow, as planned.

See, my old self just night have decided that I just didn't have it in me to continue trying anymore. The old me probably would have said it was too much trouble, or that I was just sick of having to monitor what I eat and how I exercise. Within a few weeks, or sooner, the old me would have been firmly ensconced in the old habits and on the way to gaining all the weight back plus more.

It's just not going to happen that way anymore. This journey is far from over, and I have not run out of gumption yet. I want to reach my goals. I want to weigh between 150 and 175 (we'll see when I approach it), and I want to be able to run a marathon. That's it. And I can do these things. It's going to take time and it's going to take lots of effort, but I CAN DO THESE THINGS.

Dammit.

5 comments:

battyhelen said...

"I have not run out of gumption yet" Loooove that!
You can and will get back on track. I wonder if some of this is simply the anti-climax after actually competeing in a race and finishing. Maybe you could set yourself the target of another race?
I have agreed to run a 5k next May (I won't be ready until then, I don't think)just to give me a target other than weight.

Roxie said...

Good for you!

Michelle said...

Yes! "It's going to take time and it's going to take lots of effort, but I CAN DO THESE THINGS."

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Cammy said...

PMS plays with our brains. Good for you for keeping yourself focused on headed in the right direction!

weelittleme said...

Hang in there girl. It takes lots of time and lots of starts and stops to learn the lessons we need about how eating right at this moment is going to make us feel later and to learn how to prefer to delay the pleasure and trust that you really will feel better. How do I know? Because I'm still only learning this. Listen to your body and keep trying to learn from it and you will get there. Keep trying and you can't lose (well, rather you will lose!).

Something to think about... I don't know how much time you have to exercise but I've actually back off my running just a bit and I've added heaps and heaps of walking and I'm losing weight like I'm making up for lost time!!!! I'm definitely going to maintain and work on the running still but I think the massive amounts of walking are part of the key that I'm losing now. I stopped and asked myself what the real goal was and though I want to keep running I realize the best way to get better is to make sure I can drop my extra weight and walking is helping so if it means I have a bit less energy to direct to running that is okay.